This is narrative I wrote got me a 3 out of 5 for the first draft. I was wondering if you guys could help me make it abit better for a higher mark for my second draft. It is out of 10 my second one and hope to get good marks. I hope you guys can help me.

Assessment Task 1- Narrative…

First Draft:

Today was a special day in my life. I had leapt out of bed at 6:00 am, dressed up, had a shower, took my passport, airline ticket and drove my way to the Airport. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and the feelings of the heebie - jibbies started to predominate the sense of excitement I had acquainted before reaching the Airport. I was troubled of what I was going to leave behind but the sense of Adventure, changing my life for the better instead of living in the Attic of my Family’s home living off chips, coke and my Computer. I had stopped questioning my self “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR MISERABLE LONELY LIFE” and took the action to change my life.

I was traveling to . A City called “不死神奇城市” which in English is “ of the Undead”. It was a said to have been abandoned 20 yrs ago because of Haunted, Magical unaccountable acts had been carried out by supernatural beings.

When I reached the outskirts of the City I felt an abnormal presence encompass me. I was on a quest to find enlightenment on my Path to change and I wouldn’t cease at anything in my way.

I entered the city looking everywhere thoughtfully. The City was like those olden day movies with everything Black and White. I tilted my head to the left and saw a Corner shop. I entered the shop and found all these ominous Symbols on the walls. While I was Gazing into the Symbols an Old Wisdom looking Man struck up from behind the counter. He noticed I was not from the Area and spoke in English to me. He said “What are you doing City here in? Don’t you know what happened has here you insolent fool?”.

I answered hesitantly and slowly because of the sudden appearance of this man. I said “I have heard everything about this city but I want to seek a new beginning in my life”. The Old man subsequently told me “Ahh so you beginning seek… I have correct tool need you for Beginning.”

In my head I was confused of what this Old man is on about. I thought he was crazy and his Yoda type Accent from Star Wars added to the dilemma.

Then all I see he bends down under the counter and he brings forward a Box covered by dust and mould. He slowly opened the box and an immediate light filled the room exactly like when the Sun is slowly rising in the Morning. My eyes where a bit blurry but once the blurriness had gone away I found “3 Little Gerbil’s standing on the counter”.

I was fascinated and told the Old man “These are going to help me”. He replied “Help they do… Now take Gerbil’s, beware but, have they hidden power for good also ………”

Before he could finish his sentence a slight breeze had entered the room and hit the Old man. He had disappeared into thin air like when you blow a dandelion flower and all its white fluffy hair disappears.

I was abit agitated and hesitant in taking these Gerbil’s back home with me. But I then said to my self ”I have nothing to loose except a new introduction in my life”.

I took the Little Gerbil’s, packed them in my bag and took the first flight back to my Hometown. As I had reached my house I saw it had changed. It had been renovated also there was a new car. I asked my parents “Who is that Car for?” My mum answered “It is yours son everything good has been occurring in your absence”.

I said to my self “Ohhhh these Gerbils are working”.. I was ecstatic and wanted to see what else these Gerbil’s can do”.

So I took it up my self and went to the Mall with my new Car. I suddenly felt in the crowd of society… While I was parking a really beautiful Woman started to talk to me. I was intoxicated within her beauty and dazed of. Everything she said I replied with “Yes”. She asked me out and I replied “Yes I would like it”. Tomorrow she suggested!!

I bought my self a set of new clothes, shoes, perfume and a Watch this was all with my mums newly founded fountain of money!!

I went back home and slept for the next day to rise. Once I woke up the next morning all I hear is a Huge Truck parking outside our House. It said the “Depo Department” and everything I had learnt to accept disappeared. My car,watch new clothes everything. I had even lost the date with the dazzling Woman I met at the mall.

I wondered to my self “WHY WHY is this happening to me?”. I got those stupid Gerbil’s and looked underneath it. My answer had been solved it was made in “”.

I have been told and had the experience my self that “Everything made in doesn’t last”.

In my last plea for help I said “Please God get me out of this mess”.

Then out of nowhere my mum comes to me and says “What do you do when you realize all your dreams come true?”

I answered “You wake up”.

All I see I wake up in the attic where I sleep and I was full of sweat and my heart was pumping like I had run from to my House.

I took my dream as a undertaking venture and applied it to the real world.

Hope everything works out for the best.
Hi,

This is an interesting story! I have suggested some amendments to make it read better. My changes are shown in bold. One thing you should be careful about is the use of capitals. Usually only proper names are written with a capital letter, though words can be capitalised for literary effect. I have taken out all of the capitals in your draft that seem to be unnecessary. Also, be careful when using apostrophes. I have corrected these in your draft. The word "gerbils" does not need an apostrophe unless you are talking about something that belongs to a gerbil - for example, "the gerbil's nose", or "the gerbils' noses" if you are taliking about more than one gerbil.

I hope you find this helpful,

Revised Draft:

Today was a special day in my life. I leapt out of bed at 6:00 am, had a shower, dressed, took my passport and airline ticket and drove to the airport. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and the feeling of the heebie - jeebies started to dominate the sense of excitement I had felt before reaching the Airport. I was worried about what I was leaving behind, but felt a sense of adventure. I was changing my life for the better instead of living in the attic of my family’s home, spending my time on the computer and living off chips and coke. I was questioning myself “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MISERABLE, LONELY LIFE?” and I was taking action to change things.

I was travelling to . A City called “不死神奇城市” which in English means “ of the Undead”. It was a said to have been abandoned 20 yrs ago because of haunting, magical and unaccountable acts carried out by supernatural beings.

When I reached the outskirts of the City I felt an abnormal presence encompass me. I was on a quest to find enlightenment on my Path to change and I wouldn’t stop for anything that got in my way.

I entered the city looking around thoughtfully. The city was like one of those olden day movies with everything black and white. I turned my head to the left and saw a corner shop. I entered the shop and saw many ominous symbols on the walls. While I was gazing at the symbols an old, wise-looking man stood up from behind the counter. He saw that I was not from the area and spoke in English to me. He said “What are you doing here in the city? Don’t you know what has happened here you insolent fool?”.

I answered hesitantly and slowly because of the sudden appearance of this man. I said “I have heard everything about this city but I want to seek a new beginning in my life”. The Old man told me “Ahh, so you are beginning to seek… I have the correct tool you need to begin.”

In my head I was confused as to what this old man was on about. I thought he was crazy and his Yoda type accent from Star Wars added to my dilemma.

Then I saw him bend down under the counter and he brought forward a box covered in dust and mould. He slowly opened the box and immediately a light filled the room exactly like when the sun is slowly rising in the morning. My eyes where a bit blurry but once this had gone away I saw three little gerbils standing on the counter.

I was fascinated and told[asked ?] the old man “These are going to help me[?]”. He replied “They do help… now take the gerbils. Beware, but they have hidden power for good, also ………”

Before he could finish his sentence a slight breeze had entered the room and hit the Old man. He disappeared into thin air like when you blow a dandelion flower and all its white fluffy hair disappears.

I was abit agitated and hesitated to take the grebils back home with me. But I said to myself ”I have nothing to loose except a new beginning to my life”.

I took the little gerbils, packed them in my bag and took the first flight back to my hometown. As I reached my house I saw that it had changed. It had been renovated and there was a new car outside. I asked my parents “Who is that car for?” My mum answered “It is yours son, lots of good things have been happening in your absence”.

I said to myself “Ohhhh these gerbils are working”.. I was ecstatic and wanted to see what else these gerbils could do.

So I took it upon myself to go to the mall with my new car. I suddenly felt in the midst of society… While I was parking a really beautiful woman started to talk to me. I was intoxicated with her beauty and felt dazed. To everything she said I replied “Yes”. She asked me out and I replied “Yes I would like to”. Tomorrow she suggested!!

I bought myself a set of new clothes, shoes, perfume and a watch - this was all with my mum's new found fountain of money!!

I went back home and slept, waiting for the next day to dawn. Once I woke up the next morning all I could hear was a huge truck parking outside our House. It said “Depo Department” on it. Everything I had learnt to accept had disappeared. My car, watch, new clothes, everything. I had even lost the date with the dazzling woman I met at the mall.

I wondered to myself “WHY WHY is this happening to me?”. I got the stupid gerbils and looked underneath them. My answer was revealed. They were "made in ”.

I have been told and had the experience myself that “Everything made in doesn’t last”.

In my last plea for help I said “Please God get me out of this mess!”.

Then out of nowhere my mum came to me and said “What do you do when you realize all your dreams come true?”

I answered “You wake up”.

I woke up in the attic where I sleep. I was covered in sweat and my heart was pumping like I had run all the way from to my House.

I undertook to take my dream and apply it to the real world.
Thanks for helping me man appreciate it
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Today was a special day in my life. I leapt out of bed at 6:00 am, had a shower, dressed, took my passport and airline ticket and drove to the airport. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and the feeling of the heebie - jeebies started to dominate the sense of excitement I had felt before reaching the Airport. I was worried about what I was leaving behind, but felt a sense of adventure. I was changing my life for the better instead of living in the attic of my family’s home, spending my time on the computer and living off chips and coke. I was questioning myself “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MISERABLE, LONELY LIFE?” and I was taking action to change things.

The teacher said to build more suspence in this paragraph. I got no idea how to really. Need some help guys. Would really appreciate it Emotion: smile
The easiest thing to do is to move the sentences about changing your life, to the beginning. So the passage would open with:

" Today was a special day in my life. I had questioned myself “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MISERABLE, LONELY SELF?” and I was taking action. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and changing my life for the better. Instead of staying in the attic of my family’s home, spending my time on the computer and living off chips and coke..... " - then go on to say what you were going to do.

Cheerio,

Nick