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When we got to A and B's room, A pulled B into the bathroom to change. Soon, A unexpectantly came out half naked, not knowing we were there waiting, bent over to get her stuff out of her backpack and stood up facing us. Surprised by our presence, she embarassedly screamed.

Is the above natural?
Thanks.
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Unexpectedly (which half?)

she screamed, embarassed. (it's like "sleepily")
(Did you mean to describe her scream, or her state of mind?) Wouldn't she be surprised first and embarassed second? That is, it would be a surprised scream rather than an embarassed scream, which I imagine as more like a squeal.

Small logic problem?? A&B + C&D (we) arrived together at the room. (Or did C&D just happen to pop in as A was pulling B into the bathroom?) Anyway, B had to know you were there at some point in time. Did she just forget about you, or assume you had left? But either way, "unexpectedly" seems strange, since the action is all focused on A&B. The unexpectedness belongs to C&D. Or was it unexpected to A? How about "abruptly"? OR, "To our great surprise and delight,"?

Shouldn't it be, "straightened up facing us"? (You said she bent over, not that she was kneeling.)

Whom was she facing when she bent over? At some time she must have turned around to face you. (If you're going to describe details, you should think it through and get them right. - I know this is a difficult scene to picture.)
You picked up a lot of points that I never considered. I really appreciate your detailed analysis.
AvangiDid you mean to describe her scream,
Yes. Is it not a natural thing to do?

AvangiWouldn't she be surprised first and embarassed second?
Yes! I started with saying, "Surprised by our presence (So,this comes first), she embarassedly screamed (This comes later) "
Avangiwhich I imagine as more like a squeal.
I thought of using 'squeal' but don't quite understand its meaning. Is it a short scream? Does a little girl squel when she sees a mouse?
AvangiSmall logic problem?? A&B + C&D (we) arrived together at the room
We arrived together. I agree that the text is ambiguous. I would be clear if I had the preceding paragraph.
AvangiDid she just forget about you, or assume you had left
Assumed we had gone to wait outside her room. She could have forgotten about us. I have no idea what she was thinking.
AvangiThe unexpectedness belongs to C&D. Or was it unexpected to A?
C and D didn't expect her to walk out naked.
AvangiShouldn't it be, "straightened up facing us"? (You said she bent over, not that she was kneeling.)
I see your point. So, if you are in a bent over position, you're technically still standing up. So straighten up is the correct verb to use. Thanks!
AvangiWhom was she facing when she bent over
Her side was to us.
AvangiAt some time she must have turned around to face you
I thought I could imply it by just saying "facing us".
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New2grammar she embarassedly screamed.
Dagnabbit, New2, you guys are such great spellers, I assumed I was wrong about another of my famous double consonants! I even started wondering about "occurrence" and looked it up. Okay, two sets of doubles. Why not look up "embarrassed" while I'm at it? Hmmm. Two sets of doubles, the way I've always done it - until this thread! - A.
Sorry, Avangi. I'm really poor at doubles. I even told Yoong Liat so he would check my spellings when he get a chance.
Don't get him started! (That's a joke, Yoong.)
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Avangi, I believe you're going to answer my endless questions, right?
New2grammar
AvangiDid you mean to describe her scream,
Yes. Is it not a natural thing to do?
The point I wanted to make is that there are different varieties of screams. Some are involuntary - an immediate response to a frightening surprise. ("I thought I was safe and alone": SCREAM). Some are affectations, requiring some thought. (Gee, they're looking at me naked. How embarrassing.": SQUEEL). The way your story line evolved, I would have expected a scream of the first variety, but you seemed to be trying to describe one of the second variety - an embarrassed scream, not a frightened scream. I was curious as to what your intention really was.

-A.

Edit. My remark, "It's like sleepily" was meant to evoke the adv. or adj. discussion of an earlier thread (sleepily I walked or sleepy, I walked). I wanted to point out that the same useage could follow, as well as precede the action. (She screamed embarrassedly or She screamed, embarrassed.)
AvangiSome are involuntary - an immediate response to a frightening surprise. ("I thought I was safe and alone": SCREAM). Some are affectations, requiring some thought. (Gee, they're looking at me naked. How embarrassing.": SQUEEL).
I see why you recommended squeel.
Avangi I would have expected a scream of the first variety, but you seemed to be trying to describe one of the second variety - an embarrassed scream,
Are you saying an embarrassed scream is voluntarily? I guess it makes sense. I never analyzed them before. I wanted to say she was frightened (because she was naked in front of others) and therefore, screamed briefly (a tenth of a second maybe, not a kid long scream).
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