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Below is a joke in which I marked in red two instances I cannot get my head around as for the funny factor. Care to explain, please?

Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on ! shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
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LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
The Pole misunderstood 'grudge" for "garage".

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
The Pole misunderstood the modal "beat up". He though it meant "does your wife wake faster than you". Like in a race where an adversary gets to the finish line first. He beat his opponent because he was the fastest.
Comments  
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
EyeSeeYouLAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
The POLE misunderstood "grudge" to be "garage."
EyeSeeYouLAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"POLE: "No, I always up before her."
The LAWYER is asking if his wife beats him (hits him), he misunderstands the question as being about when the wife gets out of bed before he does (whether she "beats him up [from bed]"). It's a play on the idiom "beat up on"

Hope this helps. Not a bad joke as such things go.
I feel like an idiot. Thanks, folks.