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Not sure if this is the right thread; however, hope I'll find some help! Emotion: smile

I've been asked to choose some "poorly worded" sentences from postgraduate theses and rewrite them, explaining why they are wrong (I'm not cheating ... it's not an assignment and I won't be marked!)

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Example no.1 and edited version:

'During a hundred years, 150 traders had been reduced to less than 10 with approximately 20,000 square feet of redundant space and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighting the site.'

According to SOURCE (YEAR), the number of traders decreased from 150 to less than 10 in a hundred years, from YEAR1 to YEAR2. As a consequence, a space of approximately 20,000 square feet was redundant and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighted the site.’

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Example no.2 and edited version:

'Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales has a similar population to Dartmoor of 26,000, it also attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year yet covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor.'

According to the (YEAR) Census, Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales, has a population of 26,000 inhabitants, similar to the Dartmoor National Park's one (also in Wales). Figures from (SOURCE1) show that it attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year; yet, it covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor (data from SOURCE2).

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Are the editings correct? I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example.

Thank you very much in advance!
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Dartmoor National Park's one (also in Wales)

Small point - Dartmoor is in England, not Wales.
Comments  
Hi,

I've put my suggestions in blue.

I've been asked to choose some "poorly worded" sentences from postgraduate theses and rewrite them, explaining why they are wrong (I'm not cheating ... it's not an assignment and I won't be marked!)

---------------------------------

Example no.1 and edited version:

'During a hundred years, 150 traders had been reduced to less than 10 with approximately 20,000 square feet of redundant space and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighting the site.'

According to SOURCE (YEAR), the number of traders decreased from 150 to less than 10 in a hundred years, from YEAR1 to YEAR2. As a consequence, a space of approximately 20,000 square feet was redundant and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighted the site.’

'In a century, the number of traders decreased from 150 to less than 10. As a consequence, approximately 20,000 square feet, and a further 25,000 square feet of cellar space, fell into disuse and blighted the site.’



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Example no.2 and edited version:

'Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales has a similar population to Dartmoor of 26,000, it also attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year yet covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor.'

According to the (YEAR) Census, Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales, has a population of 26,000 inhabitants, similar to the Dartmoor National Park's one (also in Wales). Figures from (SOURCE1) show that it attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year; yet, it covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor (data from SOURCE2).

'Snowdonia National Park in Wales has a population of 26,000, similar to that of Dartmoor. Like Dartmoor, it attracts around 6 to 10 million visitors a year, yet it covers 823 square miles compared to Dartmoor's smaller 386 square miles.'

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Are the editings correct? I didn't try to add the sources of this information, although I see that you feel this is necessary.

I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example. Grammatically, it's fine. It conveys a suggestion of contarast, which I assume is the author's intention.



Best wishes, Clive
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 Feebs11's reply was promoted to an answer.
Clive
I didn't try to add the sources of this information, although I see that you feel this is necessary.

You're absolutely right, sources are necessary (but not because of a feeling of mine Emotion: smile )
Clive
I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example. Grammatically, it's fine. It conveys a suggestion of contrast, which I assume is the author's intention.

Yes, I knew the meaning. What I was not sure about was the punctuation (in the original sentence there were no punctuation marks both before and after 'yet').

I see you've used only a comma ( ... a year, yet it covers ... ).

Shall I consider it as a general rule, when 'yet' act as a conjunction?

Thank you very much!!!
Feebs11
Small point - Dartmoor is in England, not Wales.
That's not a 'small point'! (sorry for my ignorance about Britain ... Emotion: sad )

Thank you!
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