Please help me with my introduction for academic writing task 2. I only got 6.5 in writing so I decided to learn IELTS academic writing thoroughly. You please correct my introduction as much as you could and give your assessment. Thank you so much in advance.

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This is the question:

Public transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis. The metro is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?

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This is my introduction:

In the modern world, a good way to move about is public transportation in which underground systems are commonly used in big cities. Therefore, is is agreed that the subway is the most convenient way to go around a city. Avoiding traffic jams and gaining health benefits are the main reasons to explain this.

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This is another question:

Increasingly, the western world has been outsourcing its labour-related jobs to cheaper alternatives available in less-developed countries. Although this creates opportunities for people in poorer nations, it is a policy that is criticized by many in the west. Write an essay response supporting the case for the outsourcing of labour-related jobs.


Here's the introduction:

The outsourcing of labour-related jobs has been becoming increasingly popular in developed countries as developing nations provide cheaper alternatives. Even though this is criticized by many western people, it is agreed that the policy offers people in poorer countries opportunities for not only employment, but also better jobs and higher income.

jennifertranI only got 6.5 in writing

What is your target band score?

The most important thing you need to do now is to understand the scoring components.

There are four sub-scores given to the two writing tasks, and these are averaged to give a band score for Task 1 and another for Task 2. The Task 2 band score gets a higher weight than Task 1.

Here is a good reference. It is a guide for teachers. The scoring system is shown in the appendix.

https://www.ielts.org/-/media/publications/guide-for-teachers/ielts-guide-for-teachers-us.ashx

If I were you, I would try to understand my weakest area and focus my practice on improving that one. If you are about the same in every one of the four, then lots of practice is the only remedy.

This video will be excellent for you because it shows how an essay is graded in detail between a band 6 and band 7.

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jennifertranPublic transportation is a great way to travel, particularly within a metropolis. The metro is the most convenient way to get around a city. Do you agree or disagree?

In the modern world, That is not good. Use the present tense verb in your sentence to set the time frame.)

A good way to move about large, congested cities is by public transportation, especially where there is a light rail or subway system. Therefore, is is agreed that (The prompt asks for your opinion, not some dummy "it") I agree that the subway or bus system is the most convenient way to get to different places in go around a city. Avoiding traffic jams and saving time gaining health benefits (walking might give better health benefits than riding in a vehicle.) are the main reasons to explain this.

jennifertranIncreasingly, the western world has been outsourcing its labour-related jobs to cheaper alternatives available in less-developed countries. Although this creates opportunities for people in poorer nations, it is a policy that is criticized by many in the west. Write an essay response supporting the case for the outsourcing of labour-related jobs.

Your opening paragraph copies too many of the words and phrases from the instructions. To get a good score, you must paraphrase the topic in your own words, convincing the examiner that you have understood the task.


The outsourcing of labour-related jobs has been becoming (not a good verb form for this word) increasingly popular in developed countries as developing nations provide cheaper alternatives. Even though this is criticized by many western people, it is agreed that (Avoid these dummy-it clauses. They make your writing less direct and less appealing.) the policy offers people in poorer countries opportunities for not only employment, but also better jobs and higher income.


Example:

Large international companies can choose where to locate their major operations such as call centers and manufacturing plants. Over the past few decades, they have slowly been moving more and more of these operations to countries where the cost of labor is low. The western countries, where wages are relatively high, have been the net losers of jobs and the developing countries have been the beneficiaries. Although the people who have lost their employment are understandably angry, overall, the entire world benefits from the equalization of the job opportunities among the nations.

Comments:

1. The underlined sentence is my thesis statement.

2. Note that I did not use the key words from the instructions, but described the situation in my own words.

Thank you so very much, AlpheccaStars.

I wish I could write that band 9 level; however, it's my poor vocabulary that makes me stuck when choosing fitting words and synonyms. Therefore, I sometimes have to borrow words from the question though I don't want to.

How come my vocabulary improves? I am struggling with it but it's so hard.

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AlpheccaStarsWhat is your target band score?

I aim at 8 which is so hard for me. I do know that but I must try my best.

AlpheccaStarsThe most important thing you need to do now is to understand the scoring components.

I have learned thoroughly all the criteria related to every of the four tests in IELTS: listening, reading, writing and speaking.

For writing, there are 2 tasks. Task 1 is worth one thirds of the writing score and it's two thirds for task 2.

There are 4 sections in the cubric: Task Achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resources and grammar.

Task achievement refers to the full response to the question.

Coherence is how fluent and clear the response is.

Cohesion is the way words, phrases, clauses, sentences and paragraphs connect together to make a strong theme of the essay.

Lexical resources is the fitting words and phrases used in an essay. I lack of synonyms that can substitute keywords in the question.

Grammar is about structures that are used in an essay. Although my grammar is not very good, I think the examiner adequately understand what I write.

After learning all those things, I figured out my weakness that is my poor lexical resources, my poor vocabulary that holds me from moving into the higher echolons of the IELTS band scores.

Therer you see, even though I know the criteria quite well, I don't know how to achieve the score that I need.

You suggested that I work on my weakness which is what I don't know where to start.

I have tried expanding my vocabulary for quite a long time; however, it sounds like this doesn't work.

The inability of applying sysnonyms is an apparent proof as you can see.

You have done an excellent job of self-assessment.
If you know where you are now and have a target of where you want to be in the future, the only challenge is to take effective steps to get there.

The way to do that is to do another self-assessment on your internal learning style.
Some people learn best with their eyes - that is by reading and looking at pictures.
Some people learn best with their ears - that is by listening and repeating.
Some people learn best by movement - that is by taking lots of notes and writing things down.

What is your learning style, or do you learn best by a combination?

Have you looked at videos on building vocabulary?

You should consider this advice:

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Of course, the best thing to do is practice, practice and practice.


Here is some good advice for vocabulary building:

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AlpheccaStarsYou have done an excellent job of self-assessment.

Thank you so very much for encouraging me and great advice on my weaknesses.

I have watched the videos you recommended. From them, I learned what I need in order to achieve a band 7 or above in IELTS writing.

For task 1, I need to put items into groups of the similar ones, not write down every detail. Task 2 requires a wide range and precision of vocabulary used; however, I got 6.5 because I tried to implement advanced words, so I need to pay attention to precision from now on. I need to take any words into consideration before employing them in each sentence and set priority to how accurate a word or phrase is used, not how less frequent it is.


For vocabulary, I am now aware of how to effectively expand my vocabulary by learning different forms of a word at the same time. But what's more interesting is the card method. I actually designed cards of words and phrases employed in essays, reading pages as well as listening.


You said that I need to figure out my learning style and I did it. It turns out that I must a topic and write as much as possible about it, listen, and revise and talk about it regularly in order to master new words and phrases related to the topic. So to speak, my learning style is a combination of all the four skills.


This is what I learned from you. Thank you again.

Take care.

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