Hi,

I was wondering if someone could read through this and tell me what you think. Good? Bad? Also what I could do to make it better.

Thank YouEmotion: smile

In 2000, my father was diagnosed with complete kidney failure, resulting in him to dialysis three times a week, until he received a kidney in 2002. Realizing the potential fate of my father I decided to become a doctor, a veterinarian in fact so that I could do research in kidneys to understand the mechanisms that resulted in kidney failure in my father. So I decided to pursue a degree in biology, so that I may one day go to veterinary school.

As my undergraduate years preceded me, I realized that I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies, then science aspects of it. I becomae interested in the prevention and education concerning diseases. I got my first glimpse of public health when I shadowed a veterinarian at the------ Humane Society. During my shadowing period with Dr. ---- I learned of many common zoonotic diseases that affect the region. As Dr. Fletcher told me of how this disease has been controlled considerably through education of the public and initiative of the local government I became interested with the field of public health field.

I am constant in a health setting working at the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a work-study for the Facility Support Service (FSS). Everyday I learn something new dealing with veterans at the VA. I have been working with FSS staff assisting the engineer, maintenance, safety, and telephone staff in ensuring that the facility works smoothly. For the first two years as a work-study I assisted the safety office in ensuring the that fire extinguishers worked properly, assisting with the fire alarm panel, and maintenance of Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS). Each day I learn of how the administration works in ensuring patients get the quickest and most proper treatment. One case in particular was when a flood occurred throughout , I quickly learned of the administrative process of the public health. Working quickly each employee worked to do their task. The facility support service (FSS) watched for the weather reports and ensured the safety of the employees and patients by alerting them of them the road conditions. I assisted FSS through announcement of road closures and I also worked with the Patient Service Assistants (PSA) to ensure that each patient was safe by calling their homes and ensuring that their appointment will be re-scheduled and that they do not have to come in for their appointments.

Since this time I have been looking to further my interest in public health. In the summer of 2006, I took two health promotion courses to help better equate me with the field. Through these courses I was able to survey many significant diseases that are effecting the world today and learn that health promotion is key in lowering the occurrences of these diseases.

Presently I am a studying biology in with concentration in the biomedical aspects of biology. My curriculum allows me to explore all aspects of biology, especially those in the preventive measures of diseases. Currently I am taking Immunology and future will be taking Pathogenic Microbiology to understand the basis of pathogens why they are able to easily access the body.

Currently I am a member and secretary of Sigma Alpha Lambda, an honorary society. In this society we work through community service to promote unity throughout our community whether its through helping with the United Food Bank El Paso chapter helping sort food items so that they can be distributed to needy families or working with our adopt a highway project to help beautify our community.

If admitted to your MPH program I plan to use my knowledge of biological sciences and apply it the to the field of epidemiology. Upon earning my degree I plan to go to veterinary school where I will concentrate on the field of zoonotic diseases, so that one day I could track down up emerging infectious diseases

Sorry just wanted to know if someone could me edit this one.

Thank You Emotion: smile
I think you are stretching belief rather in saying that you chose to become a vetinarian so that you could conduct medical research? Everyone knows that isn't the route you would need to follow.

I think you need to think of a different reason to explain your initial training in that field if you really wanted to work on human research and biology... I would drop the vetinarian aspect altogether (apart from the work experience while you were studying biology). Although from your letter it sounds as if you didn't actually go on to become a vet - or did you? If you did, you need to explain how you ended up in a field unrelated to research on human health, and if you didn't why even mention it?
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Hi,

Thank You Nona the Brit for your reply. I made some changes. I kept the veterinary aspect of wanting to pursue the degree, but I tried to explain it a little bit more. Please tell me what I need to work on further. Here is my essay.

Thank YouEmotion: smile

For nearly two decades my father lived with Membranoproliferative glomerulonephritis type II a rare kidney disease that resulted in chronic kidney failure in 2001. My father was lucky enough to get a kidney transplant two years later. Upon learning the full extent of my father’s disease I decided that I wanted to pursue the profession of veterinarian medicine so that to under the disease the mechanism of the disease of the disease through animal models and one day find a cure this disease so that people like my father may not have to deal with the agony of the disease.

As my undergraduate years preceded me, I became more interested in how social aspects of my studies and became more interested in the prevention and education concerning diseases. I got my first glimpse of public health when I shadowed a veterinarian at the El Paso Humane Society. During my shadowing period with Dr. ---- I learned of many common zoonotic diseases that affect the El Paso region. As Dr. ---- told me of how this disease has been controlled considerably through education of the public and initiative of the local government I became interested with the field of public health field.

Since this time I have been looking to further my interest in public health. In the summer of 2006, I took two health promotion courses to help better equate me with the field. Through these courses I was able to survey many significant diseases that are affecting the world today and learn that health promotion is key in lowering the occurrences of these diseases.

I am constant in a health setting working at the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a work-study for the Facility Support Service (FSS). I work with the FSS staff assisting the engineer, maintenance, safety, and telephone staff in ensuring that the facility works efficiently.

Presently I am a studying biology in with concentration in the biomedical aspects of biology. My curriculum allows me to explore all aspects of biology, especially those in the preventive measures of diseases. Currently I am taking Immunology and future will be taking Pathogenic Microbiology to understand the basis of pathogens why they are able to easily access the body.

Currently I am a member and secretary of Sigma Alpha Lambda, an honorary society. In this society we work through community service to promote unity throughout our community whether its through helping with the United Food Bank El Paso chapter helping sort food items so that they can be distributed to needy families or working with our adopt a highway project to help beautify our community.

If admitted to your MPH program I plan to use my knowledge of biological sciences and apply it my public health studies. Upon earning my degree I plan to go to veterinary school where I plan to concentrate my studies on renal diseases so that I might understand the understand these diseases in humans.
Hi,

Sorry again, I wanted to know if I was close to answering these questions to the statement purpose.

Please submit below an essay in your own words of no more than one page describing your interest in

public health. The essay should cover career goals, leadership positions, and experience

relating to the health field, research, and community service. Applicants are encouraged to describe how

significant life experiences have influenced your motivation, qualifications, or academic record.

Thank YouEmotion: smile
I was wondering if someone could explain how to revise this essay.

Upon reading this essay I plan to explain my long-term goals, short term goals, scholarship statement, and personal achievements.

My primary long-term goal is to get accepted into college. While in college I plan to study to be a pathologist. This will allow me to research diseases as a career. Next I want to join the honor society in college. By doing this, I will be able to build a background that supports my career. After joining the honor society, I want to be in a fraternity that does positive things. The fraternity will open social doors. It will put me in places to meet people of different ethnic backgrounds. Cause being a pathologist, you have to be well rounded.

As my first short term goal, I’m going to maintain a high GPA. By obtaining a high GPA, I will attend as many leadership classes possible. These classes will ease the tension of applying to colleges. After applying to several different colleges, I plan to finish high school. That way, my diploma will keep in running for college.

The reason why I want this scholarship is to research life threatening diseases. I want to cure a major disease, if I get this scholarship. I believe I will have more to offer.

I have numerous personal achievements. A few of my achievements are Youth Leadership Forum in , National Youth Leadership Forum on medicine, Number 1 class rank, and Wal-mart African American Essay Contest Winner. I am glad to be number 1 in my class. Plus I’m proud to win the African American Essay Contest. These achievements help me to better myself. They put me in areas to meet different people. Meeting this achievements make me better suited for college.

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