The Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid rejected this essay of mine. I am so mad. Can you tell me what seems to be the problem?
The only Instruction given aside from the format was to write an essay entitled 'Appreciation on the Benefits of Scholarship.

Here goes my essay:

Dear OSFA,

It has been four weeks or more since I last visited your office. I apologize for that. No, I was not out of school, doing gimmicks with my pals, nor hanging out 24/7 in an internet gaming café. I was very, very, busy making the best out of the free education you have gave to me.

I was very, very, busy doing 2 major projects for my 2 major subjects in Computer Science. It demanded so much time, so much research, so much analysis, so much programming, and so much work. There were even moments when I felt so depressed because of losing hope of being able to accomplish them. It was very, very, disheartening, you know what I mean? I felt even more down when I could not find the time to write this essay for Semi-Finals. Computer radiation had strained my eyes so badly, and yet I still had to read pages and pages for my Philosophy subject, and study for long, almost weekly, quizzes in Discrete Math and Physics. Indeed, this semester proved to be the toughest, my worst so far.

OSFA, I hope you understand. Because of my tough subjects, I had to prioritize many things. My very, very, late submission of this essay might suggest in you that I prioritize my scholarship the least, that I do not value it any more, that I think you are just a waste of time, a nuisance to my studying.

Please OSFA, please, do not ever think that way. I admit my scholarship was least in my priority list. But it was only because my subjects were all very demanding, and you, in so far as I know you, you, OSFA, are different from my subjects, you, OSFA, are very accepting and understanding. More than any subjects I had taken, more than any projects I had to accomplish, I value you most, OSFA; I value my scholarship so much. I will always remember that without it, all these other priorities will never be there. Without this scholarship, my life would have followed a completely different path. All the things to be prioritized, all the things to be accomplished, all of these semesters would not have been here if they were not because of my scholarship.

Thank you, OSFA. Thank you for this scholarship. Thank you for giving me the privilege to prioritize many things. These things are all tough. But they also awaken the spirit of a fighter within me. Kindly tell Ma’am Emma and Ma’am Eva a thank you, too. They are truly accepting and understanding individuals. Tell all scholarship benefactors, most especially the organizers and founders of VBBSF, a thank you, also. My scholarship would not have been possible without them. The inspiring books and my allowance from VBBSF are truly a blessing to me. Please tell them that I am truly and sincerely grateful to all of them. Thank you so much.

This thank you letter may not be enough to express my greatest appreciation to all of you. I can only hope that as you pray, our God will whisper to you that you are being a blessing to others. I thank Him for giving me so many blessings. I am glad to say that I am also able to become a blessing to others. OSFA, by prioritizing many things, I was able to accomplish not only my 2 major projects but also help my classmates accomplish their own. Thank you that, with your acceptance and understanding, I was able to do and accomplish many things.
I tried my best to defend it. (huhu) They said, "What is it with 'Dear OSFA'?" I replied, "It is a letter addressed to OSFA." They said, "A LETTER?" I argued, "Yes, a letter. A letter can be an essay - an informal essay." They said, "Where is the APPRECIATION part?" I answered, "Can't you see the THANK YOUs?" They said, "Gratitude was last last semester's theme." Finally I cried, "Don't GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION mean the same? Don't you see any trace of APPRECIATION in this essay????" Then, I walked out and hurried myself home to write this and let go of my anger.

to u reader: PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH MY ESSAY THAT THEY REJECTED IT. Please! Thanks! I will listen to any words that you say. Just tell me something. Emotion: big smile
Firstly , I think your essay is a bit "effusive " . secondly , perhaps you should have been more formal or "academic" in your writing , your essay looks as if directed at a friend not a scholarship providor ! ( e.g. 2 you , 2 my subject , don't think ... )

One more thing I noticed ( but not likely to be a reson for rejecting your essay ) is punctuation marks , especially inaccurately scattering commas everywhere .

Accept my regards & consolation ,

hi Rosamond!

My essay was meant to be that way Emotion: big smile i mean i chose it to be informal so that i could be personal in my words and thereby truly expressing my appreciation for the scholarship. I think that this choice i made caused your impression on my essay of being a bit "effusive". ~ ;D

Do all essays of appreciation have to be formal? I believe that a "thank you" can only be truly expressed in a personal way.
Oh well! I guess i have to submit myself to the norms of society, again.

Haha! Yeah i am very fond of writing commas. Emotion: big smile

hey thank you so much for saying something, Rosamond!!!
i can't believe someone actually read my post. thank you! thank you!
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.

1. Do GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION mean the same thing?

2. How do you appreciate something?

LOL. Are you kidding? This is not an essay but a letter that would be sent to your close friend or a family member (very informal).
I suspect, first off, that rejection may have been because of your " very, very late submission" and you admit it was not a priority, not important ('least on my priority list).Your 'letter' has not addressed the subject "Appreciation on the Benefits of Scholarship". Appreciation here means 'understanding, awareness, judgement". This definition is easily found by clicking on the word and doing {Shift F7}. So you needed to state what the benefits the scholarship would be to you and to others. I gather you have not received the scholarship and yet you are thanking them. A bit of humility may have helped. You admit you struggled to find the time to write the "essay". Well, I would wonder if you could cope with the workload.
The only person you should be angry at is yourself. You have not taken the time to compose an essay and been arrogant enough to say this letter is an "essay". It is a letter i would write to my aunt who had given me money.
So get off your high horse. You couldn't be bothered writing an essay and they couldn't be bothered accepting it. The effort you put into this letter you got back.
Topsey Uerata (ESOL teacher)
hi Topsey!

K so i'm supposed 2 focus on Understanding, Awareness, Judgment as Appreciation and also on How it benefits me (and others) instead of giving the essay an informal tone,showing my personality and being sincere about Appreciation, one that is rooted in my heart's core. Perhaps, i was just being too apprehensive about true expression of the self in writing.

Thanks for that advice, especially the Shift+F7 part haha! Emotion: big smile
The rest of your reply, you can keep for yourself. Thank you.

Oh, if it interests U, i revised the essay. I'd like to hear from U!

It'll be in my next post within 1 minute! ~_~'
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Hey! I crumpled that old paper and threw it away. That easy!

Here's the revised one:

In accordance with Microsoft Office Word’s English (US) Thesaurus, the word appreciation entails understanding, admiration, and gratitude. When referring to the benefits from a scholarship program, the word still and essentially leads one to an outlook, positive reception, and indebtedness.

Understanding and Outlook

A scholar, by large, is seen as an exceedingly industrious individual often of an intellectual bent whose act usually includes scouring books, investigating libraries, and/or probing computers. Various organizations and titled individuals magnanimously let go of their treasures (a fraction of) and distribute them to deserving scholarly hands. The result of such generosity is a scholarship, something that scholars consider a prize, a privilege, and a blessing. Having been granted two scholarships, I suppose it is only correct to label myself such of a scholar.

Admiration and Positive Reception

It is truly an honor for me to receive two scholarship grants. What matters more though is not the label but rather the benefits I am having. These include: half tuition and half matriculation payments from my Entrance Exam Scholarship and semestral allowances along with clothing subsidy, literature/book giveaways, and training workshops pertinent to my course that my VBB Scholarship offers. It is an overstatement to mention the bliss that prevails from such prizes. Such scholarships also give me the privilege to study and learn Computer Science with out being apprehensive about financial woes, even though they have to be renewed per semester.

Gratitude and Indebtedness

I feel very, very, blessed with all these. I am, indeed, thankful to God for the endowment of a scholarly blood to me. It also marvels me how a number of people live by the principle “To give is better than to receive.” I am receiving so many blessings already and, with all these, it is expected from me to give back, pay forward, and become a blessing to others.

Scholars are more than just being slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits. They serve not only themselves but also their family, community, and God. Thank you for letting me become one of them. I consider it a blessing and it is so much appreciated.

A Blessing - is it not what makes our world truly come round?

What do you think? Suggestions? Grammar? Content?
How is it (compared to the old paper) ?
How do i improve it?
I'd like to hear from you!
Thanks Emotion: big smile
Hello darling,

I just love your English:D You seem to handling words very easily - no problem at all.

I was trying to find some suggestions on how to write a Scholarship Thank you letter. But since I'll address it to the Managing Director of a company, I suspect I have to make it formal. ( ) and then I came across yours. What a marvel.. you have good imagination, not to mention a rather dual personality. Meaning easy to adjust - on what the audience wants to hear.

Cheers anyway, you made my evening!

Greetings from Scotland,

George Xx