Hi,

I am a student planning to take IELTS test , but I am poor in writing. I find this place
maybe helpful to me.
I really appreciate it if you could take a look at the following practice.

Should college students be encouraged to take up a part-time job?

In recent years, the issue of whether or not students should take a part-time job has touched off a heated debate. Some people are happy to see students work during their spare time. They believe a part-time job will bring students many benefits, such as widening their eyesight, shaping their personalities. On the contrary, others tend to have an opposite attitude. They insist that students should not waste their precious time to get a part-time job and should focus on their study instead. As to me, I prefer the opinion of the former for the reason that the advantages of taking up a part-time job outweigh its disadvantages indeed.

There is no denying the fact that taking a part-time job does occupy time of students. Sometimes, students may find there exits conflicts between their job and study schedule. This arose many people worry that part-time job will waste much valuable time of students and exert a negative impact on their study. They insist students should focus on their study rather that taking that kind of job.

However, we cannot stop eating for fear of choking. Considering the benefits of the part-time job, we may find it does contribute to a student’s life. Above all, it provides a chance for students to apply what they have learned in class into practice. Actually, I should say I hate the abstract theoretical doctrine during my study. When I got a job after my graduation, I found that those boring theories what I have learned in the university, however, are very useful sometimes. But I regret I cannot keep those useful theories in mind firmly. I believe taking up a proper part time job is the key to get benefits from what I have learned earlier. Additionally, taking a part-time job is beneficial to the cultivation of independence and a sense of responsibility. Children would never grow up without leaving their parents and behaving as an adult.
All in all, students would get a lot benefits from taking a part-time job. Although it will take student’s time, we cannot neglect its outstanding advantages. I hereby suggest that students to run a reasonable time-management to take a proper part-time job.
This is basically nicely written. Take another look at these parts though

widening their eyesight, shaping their personalities (eyesight can only be taken literally here + punctuation)

This arose many people worry (does not make sense)

that kind of job. (what kind of job?)

theories what I have learned (what)

get a lot benefits from (a lot of)

take student’s time (decide whether you are talking about one or more students)

that students to run a reasonable (to run is incorrect)
Hi! Nona,

Thank you very much for your kind revise!

I really appreciate it! I feel getting warm now, he he...