Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
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A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Have a laugh at my cost guys!
i like 'em. he he. thanks
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A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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