Hello, I am going to send the following as part of an application for a PhD in Computer Science. I would like to hear your opinion on my writing and how I can improve my application.
Thanks a lot in advance...

Please explain in the box below your motivation for the selected project (5-10 lines):

Online Social Networks (OSN) such as Facebook or Twitter has seen an increased popularity during recent years. Current OSNs use a centralized infrastructure that prevents users of realising more ubiquitous services that a decentralized OSN provides. Research in decentralized OSNs is currently in its infancy with many open research issues. The ****** project attempts to push the boundaries into more pervasive decentralized systems that address security and privacy concerns and improve their scalability, performance and fault-tolerance. Collaborating with many universities that have the common goal of building such decentralized systems is an exciting venture that I am rest assured that will produce quality research publications. This will result in an increase in the coming years of the adoption of DOSNs from regular users and the development and deployment of new innovative social application and services.

REASONS FOR APPLYING AND CAREER PLANS

Please state within the box below in approximately 400 words, the following points:
  1. Your reasons for applying to *********
  2. Your personal skills and abilities for such a program and your possible preparation to undertake it
  3. Your focused interest within the field of distributed computing, if any
  4. Your career plans upon completion of the training
This statement is very meaningful for the Selection Committee in order to appreciate the strengths or weaknesses in your background, in your motivation, and in your ability to successfully participate in ************ project, as well as future responsibilities in the field of distributed computing.

Contributing to a research project such as ******** requires not only the ability for research rigour but also a high capacity for designing and implementing distributed systems. I have graduated with distinction from ********* with high marks in all modules related with enterprise systems, cloud computing, software engineering and dependability. In particular, my MSc thesis and final project mark ranks among the top five percent students and my overall average mark is placed among the top fifteen percent of students. The topic of my thesis was to design and implement a middleware service that is able to evaluate the compliance of an electronic contract in a business-to-business environment. Furthermore, along with the support of my supervisors we continue to improve the middleware service and we are currently writing a research paper that discusses the architecture and our findings from the performance evaluation and formal model-based testing of the service.

This is evidence of my high capability of building distributed systems and researching a topic. Apart from my recent studies I am working as a senior software engineer for ******, a company that provides a Software-as-a-Service for integrating data and services from different sources. My experience as software engineer working for almost 8 years in start-up and Fortune 500 companies is a valuable asset that will improve the quality of my research towards building a middleware for Decentralized Online Social Networking Application Deployment.

My area of research is middleware systems that provide a service to their users in a secure, scalable and fault-tolerant way. In addition, my research interests include cloud computing, monitoring of electronic contract, formal model checking, scalability and fault-tolerance.

My plans upon completion of the training is to continue pursuing my research interests and improving my knowledge in the research area of distributed systems.

Thank you for your attention and consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.
Hi,

I just have time to offer a quick overall comment on your first 'box'.

They want you to talk about your motivations I would expect a lot of 'I want to do this because .. . .' .

You have only used the pronoun 'I' once in the paragraph. It's almost like you are completely absent from what you have written.

Clive
Hi Clive,
I really appreciate your feedback.
Here is an updated version. Let me know what is your opinion.

thanks in advance,
alpac

Please explain in the box below your motivation for the selected project (5-10 lines):

My research focus will be on designing a middleware for decentralized online social networks. There are four key reasons why I want to focus on this research topic. First, I strongly believe that building a scalable and secure overlay networking service is of major concern that will increase the adoptability of the service from regular users. Second, my extensive technical experience in building middleware services is proof that I will provide optimal research results for this particular problem area. Third, this research project gives me the opportunity to further enhance my knowledge on designing distributed systems for online social networks. And last, the collaboration between universities that are part of the research project that foster research rigor and innovation is an additional factor why I have chosen this particular project.

REASONS FOR APPLYING AND CAREER PLANS

Please state within the box below in approximately 400 words, the following points:
  1. Your reasons for applying to *********
  2. Your personal skills and abilities for such a program and your possible preparation to undertake it
  3. Your focused interest within the field of distributed computing, if any
  4. Your career plans upon completion of the training
This statement is very meaningful for the Selection Committee in order to appreciate the strengths or weaknesses in your background, in your motivation, and in your ability to successfully participate in ************ project, as well as future responsibilities in the field of distributed computing.

Online Social Networks (OSN) such as Facebook or Twitter has seen an increased popularity during recent years. Current OSNs use a centralized infrastructure that prevents users of realising more ubiquitous services that a decentralized OSN provides. Research in decentralized OSNs is currently in its infancy with many open research issues. I want to be a part of the ******** project because it attempts to push the boundaries into more pervasive decentralized systems that address security and privacy concerns and improve their scalability, performance and fault-tolerance. In addition, collaborating with many universities that have the common goal of building such decentralized systems is an exciting venture that I am rest assured that will produce quality research publications. This will result in an increase in the coming years of the adoption of DOSNs from regular users and the development and deployment of new innovative social application and services.

Contributing to a research project such as ******* requires not only the ability for research rigour but also a high capacity for designing and implementing distributed systems. I have graduated with distinction from ********* with high marks in all modules related with enterprise distributed systems, cloud computing, software engineering and software dependability. In particular, my MSc thesis and final project mark ranks among the top five percent students and my overall average mark is placed among the top fifteen percent of students. The aim of my thesis was to design and implement a middleware service that is contract compliance checker for monitoring electronic contracts in a business-to-business environment. Furthermore, along with the support of my supervisors we continue to improve the middleware service and we are currently writing a research paper that discusses the architecture and our findings from the performance evaluation and formal model-based testing of the service.

This is evidence of my high capability of building distributed systems and researching a specific topic. Apart from my recent studies I am working as a senior software engineer for Cazoomi, a company that provides a Software-as-a-Service for integrating data and services from different sources. My experience as software engineer working for almost 8 years in start-up and Fortune 500 companies is a valuable asset that will improve the quality of my research towards building a middleware for Decentralized Online Social Networking Application Deployment.

My area of research is middleware systems that provide a service to their users in a secure, scalable and fault-tolerant way. In addition, my research interests include cloud computing, monitoring of electronic contract, formal model checking, scalability and fault-tolerance.

My plans upon completion of the training is to continue pursuing my research interests and improving my knowledge in the research area of distributed systems while working as a post-doc researcher or a lecturer in an internationally recognized university.

Thank you for your attention and consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.
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I only have time to look at this first part. Much, much better.

I have marked in red some parts you need to improve.

Clive

Please explain in the box below your motivation for the selected project (5-10 lines):

My research focus will be on designing a middleware for decentralized online social networks. There are four key reasons why I want to focus on this research topic. First, I strongly believe that building a scalable and secure overlay networking service is of major concern that will increase the adoptability of the service from regular users. Second, my extensive technical experience in building middleware services is proof that I will provide optimal research results for this particular problem area. Third, this research project gives me the opportunity to further enhance my knowledge on designing distributed systems for online social networks. And last, the collaboration between universities that are part of the research project that foster research rigor and innovation is an additional factor why I have chosen this particular project.
Hi,
I have corrected the issues and also improved both boxes.

Any suggestions for second box?

Thanks ,
alpac

Please explain in the box below your motivation for the selected project (5-10 lines):

My research focus will be on designing a middleware for decentralized online social networks. There are four key reasons why I want to focus on this research topic. First, I strongly believe that building a scalable and secure overlay networking service is of major concern that will increase user adoption of the service. Second, my extensive technical experience in building middleware services is proof that I will provide optimal research results for this particular problem area. Third, this research project gives me the opportunity to further my knowledge on designing distributed systems for online social networks. And last, the collaboration between universities, which fosters research rigor and innovation, is an additional factor why I have chosen this particular project.

REASONS FOR APPLYING AND CAREER PLANS

Please state within the box below in approximately 400 words, the following points:
Your reasons for applying to *********
Your personal skills and abilities for such a program and your possible preparation to undertake it
Your focused interest within the field of distributed computing, if any
Your career plans upon completion of the training
This statement is very meaningful for the Selection Committee in order to appreciate the strengths or weaknesses in your background, in your motivation, and in your ability to successfully participate in ************ project, as well as future responsibilities in the field of distributed computing.

Online Social Networks (OSN) such as Facebook or Twitter has seen an increased popularity during recent years. Current OSNs use a centralized infrastructure that prevents users of realizing more ubiquitous services that a decentralized OSN provides. Research in decentralized OSNs is currently in its infancy with many open research issues. I want to be a part of the ******* project because it attempts to push the boundaries into more pervasive decentralized systems that address security and privacy concerns and improve their scalability, performance and fault-tolerance. Collaborating with many universities that have the common goal of building such decentralized systems is an exciting venture that I am rest assured that will produce quality research publications. This will result in an increase in the coming years of the adoption of DOSNs from regular users and the development and deployment of new innovative social application and services.

Contributing to a research project such as ******* requires not only the ability for research rigor, but also a high capacity for designing and implementing distributed systems. I have graduated with distinction from ********* with high marks in all modules related with enterprise distributed systems, cloud computing, software engineering and software dependability. In particular, my MSc thesis and final project mark ranks among the top five percent students and my overall average mark is placed among the top fifteen percent of students. The aim of my thesis was to design and implement a middleware service that is contract compliance checker for monitoring electronic contracts in a business-to-business environment. Furthermore, along with the support of my supervisors we continue to improve the middleware service and we are currently writing a research paper that discusses the architecture and our findings from the performance evaluation and formal model-based testing of the service.

This is evidence of my high capability of building distributed systems and researching a specific topic. Apart from my recent studies I am working as a senior software engineer for ******, a company that provides a Software-as-a-Service for integrating data and services from different sources. My experience as software engineer working for almost 8 years in start-up and Fortune 500 companies is a valuable asset that will improve the quality of my research towards building a middleware for Decentralized Online Social Networking Application Deployment.

My area of research is middleware systems that provide a service to their users in a secure, scalable and fault-tolerant way. In addition, my research interests include cloud computing, monitoring of electronic contracts, formal model checking, scalability and fault-tolerance.

My plans upon completion of the training is to continue pursuing my research interests and improving my knowledge in the research area of distributed systems while working as a post-doc researcher or a lecturer in an internationally recognized university.

Thank you for your attention and consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.
I'm sorry, I don't have time. Perhaps someone else may offer further comments.

Good luck,
Clive
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