In a recent work, my boss asked me to translate an application for leave. Its important part was translated into English (from Vietnamese) as follows:

"I hereby apply to you leaders of 'Department I' for your consideration and approval of my taking leave of 2011 for the purpose of travelling to the U.S from 26/10/2011to 08/11/2011.

During the time abroad, I commit to abide by the regulations of the State of Vietnam and the local country. I will pay all related expenses on my own".

Then, it was corrected by the boss as follows:

"I hereby request management of 'Department I' to authorize me to take my 2011 annual leave for going on tour to the U.S.A from 26/10/2011 to 08/11/2011.
During the stay in foreign country, I undertake to comply with the regulations of Vietnam State and of the host country. All related expenses will be borne by myself".

And he concluded that my translation was poor, word for word. I wonder if he was right?

I need your help. Native speakers wanted.

Many thanks!

The Vietnamese version: Tôi làm đơn này đề nghị lãnh đạo Vụ I xem xét, chấp thuận để tôi được nghỉ phép năm 2011 đi du lịch tại nước Hoa kỳ, thời gian từ ngày 26/10/2011 - 08/11/2011.
Trong thời gian đi du lịch, tôi xin chấp hành đúng các quy định của Nhà nước Việt Nam và nước sở tại".
They both seem rather turgid to me. This is what I would have done:

I would like to apply for annual leave from 26 October through 8 November. I intend to travel to the US, and I will abide by the laws of both Vietnam and the US during this time. I will assume all related expenses.
Thank you very much for your answer. Trying to maintain the look of the source language in many cases produces bad translation.
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phuoc1977 Trying to maintain the look of the source language in many cases produces bad translation.
Yes, indeed! That is an intelligent observation that many translators fail to understand.
Looking at your contribution to this forum, I am wowing. In fact, I have never been to a foreign country, let alone an English speaking one. I was trained and then have worked as a translator for nearly 10 years, wondering always whether my translation is proper, and the language I use is current.

Your comment and correction lead me to a piece of thought: I may use this forum and others to update myself while I am unable to go to and communicate in a true English speaking country.

Tks again.
Why not take a trip to the US yourself? (Or Australia — it's closer.)
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Hic, my wife does not allow me to do that. She fears there would be some girl who will take me from her.....Emotion: embarrassed