hey, my schooling life in getting over in 2 months, studying in modern school, was quite an experience, here is an article i have decided to submit to the school magazine, hope you like it. it would also familiarize you to the new delhi present day teen culture. please do post your feedback and suggestions for improvement.

Are You Modern?

Before pounding at my keyboard over this controversial topic, I was in a dilemma, weather or not I am inviting criticism and if I would be added to your hate list, but eventually temptation got the better of me. Even though I realize that, I may indeed be inviting criticism, but I believe the motive behind writing this article, is an attempt to refine the so called “Typically Modernite” attitude and therefore although at certain instances I may sound a bit harsh, but I believe whatever I am writing is for a brighter future of my schoolmates, and my endeavour to take My school to new heights, its my attempt to do “MY” bit for “MY” school.
So Ms Xyz jumps out of her seat after reading this article, or may be even after a glance at the very first paragraph and declares “He thinks, he’s a philosopher, he’s trying to suggest me how to manage life, I am much more successful, I from the top-notch in my class and moreover I am Bill Gates daughter, he stands no where in comparison and here he’s suggesting me, how things are done.” Mr. Abc, the captain of blah blah sports team, and the owner of Walmart, joins in and says “He hasn’t been in school for two years out of which he was absent for one and a half, and here he’s teaching me, the coolest dude in Modern”. And finally the big Bond joins in and says, “bloody hell, damn it”. Well, well, well keep your criticisms to yourself, take it or leave it, a typical modernite would have said, but what I can say is no doubt you are the boss, you are the best judge, take it or leave it, but do mail me you criticisms if any, or correct me anywhere if you think I am wrong at the e-mail address mentioned below, and I will owe you one for giving me food for thought.
My first day in school, lots of plans, zillions of ideas, and myriad dreams, in my class I come across this guy, who says, “hey dude, what’s your name”, “Ashish”, “cool, so which car do you have”, yes, this was indeed the second question he asked me not the hundredth. I was completely bamboozled because the question came out of the blue, I wondered what made him ask such a questions before knowing a thing about me, secondly I fail to understand how it makes a difference to him. If I have a 1910 two seater, I won’t obviously ask him to give his car to me, and if I have a stretch limo, I won’t really plan to gift a Honda city on his birthday, would you? Well, this was just one in a series of such questions, like what’s the dad’s income? The scope for earning “upar ki” income, number and models of mobiles I change every month, and the brand of music system in my car, woofer was a compulsion. Well, many told me this is called being “Modern”, and the person asking such questions with arrogance and shirt hanging out a “Modernite”, do you really think so? The first thing that came to my mind while these interrogations were on by so many so called Modernites was, am I in a crime cell? And the person asking such questions should actually be called a CBI officer. Oh yeah, trust me, the person asking these questions was in class 11th and not in 1st. So what I basically want to convey is these things are of little or no importance, what matters while choosing friends is, weather you have common interests or not, if your wavelength matches or not, comparative levels of tempers, i.e. weather you are icy cool and the other person an earthquake or vice-versa, and the list of criteria is equal to the number of stars. So often, I believe, present day teen Delhites tend to fall for a financially solid person in comparison to a person at par, ( now I don’t want to talk about those below par ), and the reason is our expectation that he will give us a bite out of his pizza or he will introduce us to all the hot steamy girls he meets at the disc, or he will take us for a looooooong drive in his new Lamborghini, but it takes us a few hundred bad experiences to realize that if rich start to share, what makes them rich, then they wont be exclusive any more, in short its every man for himself, if you want a ride in a Ferrari than you will have to earn it with your own skills, hard work and tact or win a lottery, your Ferrari owner friends wont really gift you even a scooter, then why is there a need to make that distinction between a rich friend and someone not as rich. I don’t say you should or shouldn’t be friends with a particular class of person, but that distinction on the basis of money should be done away with, and that will help you pick and choose the right kind of long lasting friends rather than the pretentious, voguish, and swanky kind of one month friends.
when I joined the school my plan was to win lots of friends by being nice and casual, still in my early days, first few were not the best but anyways it was a new school so does takes time to adjust, what I observed was that the nicer and sweeter I tried to become the more people tried to dominate, so I got a but puzzled, to add to the agony the ***y rappers in my bus tried their best to get the hell out of me with their innovative kind of ragging attempts, their leader was a well built wrestler and she had a swashbuckling sense of humour and when she combined it with lies, Tehelka could have got a mission, and when it comes to arguing or proving a point to girls, I feel a bit helpless. So coming back to the topic, guys were getting aggressive by the day and so I got to witness what is called a “Gang Bang” in our school, i.e. a gang of people kicking and hammering, smashing and bashing, beating the hell out of a helpless bloke, just for fun. In a case, the guy who was regularly gang banged was one who tried to be a part of the “Cool-Dudes Group”, or you can say “ The Bangers”, was a victim, just because he wanted the girls to believe that he was one of the cool dudes too, it took him about one year, a thousand bangings and approximately one million bruises to realize that the group wasn’t for him ( seeing his number of attempts, I am sure he had read that spider story ), I guess you got my message again, group should be one where you feel comfortable, and can actually enjoy without caring about what the group of girls standing 20metres away is thinking about you and the people you are standing with, it doesn’t always need to be the one with cool dudes in it, who kick your butt if you don’t buy a coke for them, from the canteen on their orders. So, for a second I imagined myself being banged and the message which flashed through my mind was, “sweet and nice aren’t welcomed”, I was further assisted by suggestions from a new comer friend, who’s a sensation today in school. I still remember his words “ if you want to make a name in this school, if you want to be a champ, insult everyone, get the Mickey out of everyone and once in a while slap the so called “LOOSERS””, he didn’t gave his advice for free, he knew I could actually be of use to him, as we both were newcomers, we became pretty close friends, and he came to know quite a lot about the so called deadly people I knew which constitute a persons “BACK” as termed in our school. For days his words strained every little vein in my brain, and that guy lying on the floor with thirteen kicking the different parts oh his body, from head to toe, turn by turn, became a horror dream for me and I wondered, if there is any possibility of me being there in place of that guy one day?. My plans to be popular by being nice needed big time revaluation. So do I really need to use the deadly weapons or at least expose them? Should I call that dreaded guy who “BONDS” generally make brother because he roams around the city on his Harley Davison carrying a lethal Kalashnikov rifle? And most importantly, was my new and to be famous friends advice worthy? The answer was yes, why not. Oh no, no, no, how can I be that bad? Oh c’mon that’s the only way to be popular here. The cool-dude’s dictionary defines nice people as “LOOSERS”. So I got struck in between. Although not intentionally, but luckily or unluckily because of a few friends in school who came to know about my so called, “Back”, major part of my batch came to know about it, barring the girls, I guess. I earned a lot more friends. In 12th life changed by leaps and bounds. I always knew that I haven’t earned true friends barring a few; I was banking on fear psychology.
There are many so called “BONDS” in our school, who I often came to know, got smashed outside the school, even though, they claimed they knew Dawood Ibrahim and they ruled Modern. What is the reason for this? The false impression that they developed when they dictated a small group of a few hundred and got the reputation of “THE BONDS OF MODERN”, notice carefully “of modern” they actually didn’t notice it and forgot there is a world much bigger than the school, and may be at that level there are bigger BONDS and then one fine day due to that over confidence gathered by dominating those few hundred they go and bump into the big-guns outside, remember in Delhi, no matter how big a BOND you become, one day somewhere or the other you will find a “BAAP”. What will we in Modern call that person...Ummm…..BOND DADDY???
Before I move forward, let’s clear the concept of BONDS and BACKS. What is meant by BACK and who’s a person having a solid back? No No, it’s not a person with a solid backbone strengthened by eating green vegetables and fruits. This is what I assume what most of my schoolmates would define it, “A person having a solid back is a big GUNDA knowing GUNDAS bigger than him, the more GUNDAS he knows the bigger a BOND he is and the stronger is his BACK, he has the right to gang bang, he’s always fighting and if he slaps you once in a while, keep your mouth shut, always go and shake hands with him, and say “AUR BHAI, KYA HAAL”, even if he doesn’t answer and looks away, embarrassing you on the spot, doesn’t matter keep trying, one day he will give you the privilege of allowing you to buy him a coke, and then you can feel assured that if you ever have a PANGA, he will come to your rescue (doesn’t mean he actually does). Just because he has a solid back and is called a Bond, it means he definitely puffs away all day and boozes too. BACK means a group of people, who have an AK-47, hidden in their toilets and carry a mouser in their socks, if they don’t like something you say, in a split second they will, take out six from the other side.
How is BACK nurtured and enhanced?
Go to all the pubs, gyms, nightclubs, discs; meet the desperados, punks and thugs, and all other kind of lawbreakers. Say hi, buy them a Bacardi rum, exchange numbers and then once in a while, send another bottle, maybe perfumes, cash will rock, if the package looks thick enough and then one fine day with your collar up, shirt hanging out, using smart slangy language challenge the biggest BOND in your school to meet you outside the school at 1.40, call the BHAI you made at disc, and tell him to do a favour of building a reputation for you, rest is his job, so now you are “A BOND” if you were just another guy, and “ THE BOND”, if you were “A BOND.
Different people, in different spheres of life will define a BACK in a countless ways, but what is mentioned above was derived from some of the things which fly around my ears courtesy of people who sit close by, in my classroom, and I guess they are the “standard modern definitions”, but I believe they are completely eccentric and vague. Here I want to highlight the real concept of BACK and how it should actually be used, BACK may or may not mean knowing the rugged kind of criminal guys. For a political leader back may be the support he has from his party members, for a team leader, the support he has from his team-mates, and for a business the links it has with govt. and various financial institutions which can pull it out of bankruptcy in an emergency. Ok so coming onto the very modern definition of BACK, i.e. knowing and using GUNDAS for dominance. After carefully scrutinizing and analyzing the facts I have observed that this culture has led to a groovy life for a selected few, while others have got habitual to Hitler style tyranny. I have seen guys in my batch who turn away when they are 50 metres away from a BOND on the presumption that if they lock eyes with him, even by mistake, they may fall a victim to what can be termed as a BONDS TIME PASS. Well ok now I am not completely sympathising with the one’s who get dominated, because this is actually what the scenario is, there is a hierarchy of BONDS, everyone wishes to be one, some of the highest class, which constitute “THE BANGERS” group, some a bit lower, and some who after coming to 12th, once in a while dare to try their hand on a 8th or 9th class guy because of the “hit-or-you-are-a-looser” factor. So in short, everyone wants to suppress the weaker ones, and this culture goes right down to the wire, and funnily enough, sometimes, the “TO BE BIG BONDS” of school, who are on a learning spree in junior school, have the courage to challenge a senior because they have already started building a BACK. I recall, once I heard this one classmate of mine saying to another, “Don’t ever mess with this class 6 lad, because he knows so and so BHAI. I don’t say building a back is wrong, actually the true meaning of building a back is building contacts, good or bad is also another matter, and using them when required, not intentionally creating situations and then asking for their favours. A perfect example of creating situations can be, intentionally getting involved in a duel with someone only to realize that he has a big bro and then calling for a favour from your built up back. (Luckily she’s don’t need it because in India they just need to shout “help” once and hundred guys will be at service). Once you have built a back doesn’t mean you have to necessarily use it against people who modern dictionary would define something like “BACKLESS LOOSERS”. A question which occupied me for hours was, as I know all these mobsters, should I make my claim of being a part of BONDS group, and the very moment I decided no way, because I knew that would only help me loose on the BACK I had built over the years. Wonder why? When you become a bond, when you think you are the best, and when you try to get the hell out of every person who doesn’t jump through the hoops for you, that is when your back starts to dwindle. Why? Here’s an example, you have 10 so called BHAIS constituting your back, you fight with this new fellow in school, unaware that he has 5 such BHAIS too, now you go for a game of cricket to a club, you tell that stranger guy who is in your team to bring you a glass of water, he refuses, SMACK…on his cheek you go, you are used to doing this in your school, so you cant curb your instinct, now he knew 4 BHAIS too. I don’t need to mention that, it will take them no time to set their BHAIS mobile on fire, to get one back on you. So you began the day with 10 solid blokes providing you with the psychological advantage which makes you a BOND and now you have 9 solid musclemen waiting to get a bite of your flesh, your aggregate BACK at the end of the day, 10-9 = 1, now only hope that the nine don’t get hold of you when you are on a drive with your girlfriend and I want to tell you I have seen this thing happening with some of my schoolmates at least thrice in the last one year. So my message should be crystal clear by now, BACK should be to for self-defence and not for domineering, if you try and become an aggressor you never know what kind of a person you may bump into one day. Trust me if you want to enjoy life there are one million ways, but why do you want it to be at someone else’s expense? If you can do it by sharing a joke, shaking a leg at the discotheque, etc. then why is there a need to involve someone else and then tag him a LOOSER. This is the major difference between the Delhi culture and English culture, they weigh their words so well before they come out of their mouth that I sometimes feel, that there is an automatic scanner and eraser fixed in their mouths, which automatically scans and eliminates things which may hurt others. As so many of my friends are going to UK, I would recommend them to revaluate and make the necessary adjustments if they want to be successful there, because English culture demands, control and class, its very different from the US one, which I believe is more similar to the Indian one, people being more BINDAAS.
Jack and Jill, best friends from class 7, on a breezy winter morning entering the class to attend the English period when Jack spots that stunning girl whom he talked to, on her first day in school, two months ago, decides to bunk the period and have a chat with her. Just their second conversation, and she asks, “Who was the guy with you there?”, “My friend” he says, “He’s your friend….YUCK...he looks sick”, “oh well, actually he’s just a hi-bye friend and I was with him because he wanted a favour and you know I am too sweet to say no, otherwise I have hardly ever talked to him”, “oh I see..anyways I got to go, my eco period”. So jack sits for the rest of the period alone, as she decides not to bunk the period. Sitting under the tree jack is analysing was it a mistake he did by being friends with Jill, was it the reason he didn’t get a girlfriend in school, from class 7th, he’s ugly man, how could he have chosen him a friend? Period gets over, jack heads back to the class, Jill “Hey buddy”, and Jack looks to the other side and passes by. Next day, Jill, “Hey Jack, today the new movie…hello…listen”, Jack ignores him once again, since then they never talked. This was one in a million cases, I witness daily in our school, I see people who sit together in the break, pass by one another in the morning, just because they want the other person to say the first hi, I see some of the people, with a smaller ego dare to go and shake hands with Mr. popular, and just when that hand is hanging in the air, Mr. popular turns a blind eye, and before the guy could get over the pinch of the moment, the gang of girls who saw his hanging hand move to adjust the strand of hair in embarrassment, burst out laughing and what was just a pinch, feels like an arrow has just divided a heart into two and that arrow could be seen by only one person, the person who committed the crime of greeting Mr. popular. Stop here and think for a moment have you ever felt the arrow strike you, or have you left that arrow to strike some one by moving away when that hand came up to you or by gliding your eyes away just when that person was approaching you to say hi, I can bet more than 90% belong to at least one of the category.
If this is called being modern then I feel the people in UK are tribes, they aren’t urbane at all. If this is called being modern then I feel the word respect and friendship have been deleted from the modern dictionary. If this is called being modern then I wish I lived on an undeveloped island with a few sweet people who I could talk to all day without thinking what they are thinking of what I have to say, without worrying about the fact that I may be sounding dowdy and frumpy, and allowing the talk to flow freely rather than my words looking left and right, up and down, then getting scanned in the modern dictionary before finally coming out. I don’t understand why is everyone trying so hard here, to score points over others, I don’t understand what Mr. BOND gets by seeing a bruised eye, I don’t understand what Mr. popular would loose if he had shaken that hand, I fail to understand how does it makes a difference to the girl, whoever jacks hangs out with, and Jack, come on how can you leave a five year old friend for a girl, who didn’t even stay with you for a single period and who you don’t even know if you will ever see again or not. Trust me, shaking hands with someone less popular will only make one more person per handshake like you, thereby making you more popular, and saving someone from embarrassment, so no one’s at a loss. We all know, how much difference, who we hang out with makes, in our school, in my first few months, this new Sensation frequently asked me why the hell I roamed around with that guy who is considered a LOOSER even though I have a solid BACK. Why shouldn’t I? I feel he has more common sense and I am damn sure he hasn’t got beaten as many times as you have Mr. Sensation. When I chat on the net and say I am a modernite trust me in 90% of the cases the other person inevitably uses the word “typically modernite”, even if it makes no sense, it seems to be becoming a pre-conceived notion that modernites have an ego problem, and I want to change that image, I want and I hope you want people to say that modernites are modern, cool, and sweet, not modernites are modern, cool and egoistic. Should I go to those people’s house, bring back their neck and hang it in my house and say I did it because I am loyal to my school, or should I try and convince my schoolmates, ok here, lets give this some thought, why do outsiders say this, come on shut their mouth forever, feel more relaxed in school, remove the facades and be yourself, make life a bit better for everyone and yourself, rather than only the BONDS, if everyone gives up a bit of an ego, the overall scenario will change so much, and with the time, modern will be universally modern and modern in true sense. I am not a mahatma Gandhi fan, nor am I very SHARIF, I have done and do anything and everything I feel is naughty and exciting, don’t want to mention what because I am sure my dad will get hold of this article some day, but my enjoyment has never been at the expense of someone else’s emotions. To make my life more exciting, more enjoyable, I don’t make any one else’s life bitter, because I know it can’t give a person satisfaction in the long run. It’s high time we take action, batches will come and go, but there is no reason why we should allow more BONDS to bloom out of those batches.
So give some time, and analyze whatever you have done in your school life, at whatever level you are, there is always time to change, if you are one of the bonds and brats, think about those 9 guys gearing to crush you into pieces, if you are one of the loosers, then learn to speak up, no Mahatma Gandhi Is going to come and revolutionize the modern culture, but lots of loosers together can. So I sign off with best wishes to all of you and especially to those of my immediate batch for a very successful career and an enjoyable UN-BONDISH kind of life.

Ashish Monga.
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Gosh, this post is so dense, so full of ideas.
Emotion: surprise !!!!
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
I am quite modern. Nokia disconnects me.