I am a seventeen year old girl.Have a look at my poetry... every kind of criticism is welcome Emotion: smile

My life, this tormented life,is no more than a broken dream,

My thoughts are a book of grieve,

My hopes, a story of sorrow,

A thorn has pierced against my heart,

And this eternal pain is tearing me apart.

I cant survive another day!

I want to die, and leave this cruel world,

These verses are my only friends,

They can uderstand my pain.

I am a worthless, useless person..

I am no more what i used to be........
No replies... Emotion: sad
Hi Aelia, you've got a couple of errors:

My thoughts are a book of grief,

They can understand my pain.

Life can be painful when you're a teenager. Rest assured you will grow out of it. Emotion: big smile
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Thanks Nona Emotion: smile
Like Nona said, there are many errors in this poem that distracted me while reading it. Unlike the last poem I read by you, this contains feeling and depth. The thorn is effective and using our hearts makes us understand the true pain initiated by such feelings endured.

However there are problems apart from grammatical errors. The closing lines of the poem lack the depth I seen in the first half of the poem. This took dramatically from the poem.

However 'twas was very interesting to read, and as it embraced by thoughts and feelings, I must conclude out of 100, I would rate this 55 out of 100, stark improvement on the last poem I read by you. ( Rating was in the thirties in the last rated poem by you ).
Thanks Triquediqual..

As a beginner.. i m trying my best....

And as english is not my native language..submitting my works here wud be helpful.....

I hope u will help me with upcoming poems..

Once again, Thanks

Aelia
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I wouldn't have said there are many errors, only two really.

I like the last line...a longing for the simplicity of childhood?
It is important for everyone to express their feelings in a way that means something to them. You are quite entitled to call anything you write a poem and if it means something to YOU, that is all that is important.

But, when you show your poems to the world they will be judged. You are brave to share this poem with us and you have let us all know how you feel.

You use straightforward language and a poem can be made with straightforward language, but your poem reads like prose. Why? You have too many unimportant words.

Let's rewrite it without so many words:

My life is just a broken dream, a torment,

My thoughts a book of grief,

My hopes, a story of sorrow.

A thorn pierces my heart,

An eternal pain tearing me apart.

Survive another day? No!

Let me die; leave this cruel world,

These verses, my only friends,

Can understand my pain.

Worthless, useless...

I am no more the thing I was.....
that was cool,
n really good
i like the original as well as the rewritten ones
cant decide which is the better
though later ones sound more simple
n more poetic
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