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I am going to submit this essay for a competition and the deadline is August 15th. I am worried that I have made some mistakes [grammatical error or terrible diction].

Here is my two-page-essay:
page 1:
page 2:

Thanks for your time (missing image)

If you dont want to click the links, here is the essay:

CRAVING A REVOLUTION



Quoted from A Bridge to Quality, Greiner and Knebel wrote “All health professionals should be educated to deliver patient-centered care as members of an interdisciplinary team, emphasizing evidence-based practice, quality improvement approaches, and informatics”. Therefore, the health professional education system has to yield excellent outcomes who can take care of the patients not only with enough knowledge but also good communication skills and great capability. Moreover, according to the WHO, we need not only an increase on the quantity of health professionals, but also a guarantee that they are globally competent and locally relevant.

Countless problems, especially in health sector, have caused Indonesia to be a still-developing country, yet the neighboring countries which had their independence earlier have instead left us far behind. Indonesia has less than 100 medical schools, many of which are accredited below A score. Limited lecturers and professors, shortage of laboratory and medical equipment, and low-quality students approved in the medical schools make everything worse. This results directly in the low-quality competence of the graduates.

A revolution on the health professional education system is very much needed. First of all, Indonesian government should allocate the national budgets for medical schools. This is due to the fact that students approved in the medical schools have to pay a lot of money, although indeed there are students who pay very much cheaper and some get scholarships. This huge disparity is not healthy and the government should stop this.

Secondly, the curricula taught in medical schools should be more practical. The education system seems to be theory-oriented, thus forcing the students to read the thick medical books all day long and forgetting any other activities such as involving in organizations which is more vital.

Thirdly, the government should distribute the freshly-graduated doctors all over Indonesia as they used to do in the Soeharto’s regime. At the present, there is no regulation concerning the distribution of new doctors, and they have the rights to choose their workplaces themselves. Numerous doctors then choose urban areas as their bases. Consequently, isolated regions lack of health care providers, exacerbated by the terrible infrastructure that makes the people also lack of access to health care.

There are many good things after all about the existing system. The problem-based learning system, the system alteration from teacher-centered to be student-centered, and a number of newly-founded medical schools have made Indonesia step forward progressively. Nevertheless, we still crave a revolution on the whole system. Will Indonesia change or degrade instead? Only time will answer.



References:

1. Greiner, A.C., E. Knebel. 2003. Health Professions Education: A Bridge to Quality.

Institute of Medicine.

2. Kreitzer, M.J., B. Kligler, W.C. Meeker. 2009. Health Professions Education and

Integrative Health Care. Institute of Medicine.

3. Thabrany, Hasbullah. 2006. Human Resources in Decentralized Health System in

Indonesia: Challenges for Equity. Regional Health Forum – Volume 10, Number

1, 2006. Faculty of Public Health - Universitas Indonesia.

Plan of Actions after attending the 2nd HPEQ International Conference:

- I will submit more writings about the health issues in Indonesia, hoping that I can increase people awareness on these things.

- I will involve in many organizations relating to the public health, hoping that I can make a contribution in the community.

- I will join many seminars concerning health issues, and gather with people with the same thoughts to share ideas on improving Indonesian health sector

- I will work hard to eventually be a great doctor and make a revolution on Indonesian health sector.
Comments  
Hi

Right, only time will answer.

I enjoyed it greatly, especially the Quote. Your essay is very informative I could say.

Thanks for sharing

Regards

Nata
Thank you for the kind words, lol. I think I have made many mistakes on the grammar or diction. Can you correct it all Emotion: big smile

Fauzi Js