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Please grade my TOEFL essay, out of 5. I'm taking the test in 7 days and I'm a bit nervous ... Emotion: smile

Topic:
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

My Essay:
The question of independence is of great value to the modern young generation. Although some young adults would rather leave their parents as soon as possible, there exists another group of youth people who does not like this approach. Despite the fact that living with family sounds to be a more natural choice, I personally believe that it is better for a young person to be independent and to be on his or her feet as soon as possible.

On the one hand, staying with parents for a long time, as I said, is the easier choice for some young adults. This is also the safer choice apparently, as they will have the support and assistance of their parents in case of facing severe problems. This situation can also be seen from point of view of financial issues. Living with parents definitely eliminates a large portion of financial issues which a young person can encounter.

On the other hand, it can be argued that an individual will benefit a lot providing he or she becomes autonomous sooner. For one thing, living independently can form one’s characteristics in a more mature way. For another, being responsible is another gift which is provided by becoming independent. It is an undeniable fact that whenever you make your life by yourself, you have no other choice than facing some extreme difficulties and in many cases to overcome them.

Above all, becoming a strong person is the main reason that makes me defend the demand of independence from parents. When you are on your own, you have to challenge the difficulties that life brings with itself. You will not be able to rely on anybody else. Consequently, you will become a stronger person than those who cannot get things done without the assistance of others.

To sum up, owing to becoming a tough person, being responsible, and shaping one’s own characteristics, I am among the group of supporters of young adults who wants independence from their parents sooner than others. (335 Words)

Thanks in advance ... Emotion: smile
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Hello, S.Malekzadeh-- and welcome to English Forums.

Your essay is well-organized and you have a good vocabulary. You do have some noticeable problems with structure, for which you will lose some pointage. I suspect this would receive 3.5 to 4 points. When you take the test, be sure that you reserve at least five minutes at the end to proofread what you have written. Correctlng simple errors yourself will increase your score.

Relax, and good luck!
Comments  
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Dear Mister Micawber,

You have said:
Mister MicawberYou do have some noticeable problems with structure, for which you will lose some pointage.
Could you please explain to me what are my problems with structure?

Thank you very much.
I have underlined some problem areas:

The question of independence is of great value to the modern young generation. Although some young adults would rather leave their parents as soon as possible, there exists another group of youth people who does not like this approach. Despite the fact that living with family sounds to be a more natural choice, I personally believe that it is better for a young person to be independent and to be on his or her feet as soon as possible.

On the one hand, staying with parents for a long time, as I said, is the easier choice for some young adults. This is also the safer choice apparently, as they will have the support and assistance of their parents in case of facing severe problems. This situation can also be seen from point of view of financial issues. Living with parents definitely eliminates a large portion of financial issues which a young person can encounter.

On the other hand, it can be argued that an individual will benefit a lot providing he or she becomes autonomous sooner. For one thing, living independently can form one’s characteristics in a more mature way. For another, being responsible is another gift which is provided by becoming independent. It is an undeniable fact that whenever you make your life by yourself, you have no other choice than facing some extreme difficulties and in many cases to overcome them.

Above all, becoming a strong person is the main reason that makes me defend the demand of independence from parents. When you are on your own, you have to challenge the difficulties that life brings with itself. You will not be able to rely on anybody else. Consequently, you will become a stronger person than those who cannot get things done without the assistance of others.

To sum up, owing to becoming a tough person, being responsible, and shaping one’s own characteristics, I am among the group of supporters of young adults who wants independence from their parents sooner than others.