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Hii ~~ This is a writing task 1 from an IELTS Cambridge book. I made a progress to improve my writing skill. Please help me! Thanks alottt !


The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The pie charts compare the retail turnover of trading commodities on Internet in New Zealand from 2003 to 2013.

At first glane it is clear that for three of sectors have witnessed a sharp increase in their ratios of online expenditure through time framing.

One prominent factor is travelling, took up the lion’s share in 2003, representing for over one third of the total consumption before falling to 29 percent by 2013. Meanwhile, 21 percent of entertainment, including film and music, was sold by retail dealers in 2003, which was followed by expanding to 33%, the largest part of total expentditure in 2013.

The rest of New Zealand retail purchase was divided between books and clothes. Although the proportion of clothes reached nearly a quater of total number in 2003, they cut it by 8% accounting for the smallest share of the chart. Just a modest ratio of the country budget was allocated for books, largening from 19% in 2003 to 22% in 2013. (164 words)

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Hye JungThis is a writing task 1 exercise from an IELTS Cambridge book. I have made a progress to improving my writing skills. Please help me! Thanks a lot alottt !

The pie charts compare the retail turnover of trading commodities (Commodities are bulk items like precious metals (gold, silver), agricultural products (wheat, corn, soybeans, and cotton) and bulk crude oil. These are traded by large companies and speculators. They have spot market prices on electronic markets.) on Internet in New Zealand from 2003 to 2013.

At first glane it is clear that for three of (missing word) sectors have witnessed a sharp increase in their ratios of online expenditure through time framing. (??)

One prominent factor is travelling, (missing word) took up the lion’s share in 2003, representing for over one third of the total consumption before falling to 29 percent by 2013. Meanwhile, 21 percent of entertainment, (incorrect usage) including film and music, was sold by retail dealers in 2003, which was followed by expanding to 33%, the largest part of total expentditure in 2013.

The rest of New Zealand retail purchase was divided between books and clothes. Although the proportion of clothes reached nearly a quater of total number in 2003, they (Who is "they?" - the clothes?) cut it by 8% accounting for the smallest share of the chart. Just a modest ratio of the country budget (The government's expenditures?) was allocated for books, largening from 19% in 2003 to 22% in 2013. (164 words)

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I have made some corrections to my essay, pls help me to check one more time. Thank you so much <3

The pie charts compare the retail turnover of trading on Internet in New Zealand from 2003 to 2013.

At first glance it is clear that for two of sectors, like films/music and books, have witnessed a sharp increase in their ratios of online expenditure during the 10-year time period.

One prominent factor is travelling which took up the lion’s share in 2003, representing for over one third of the total consumption before falling to 29 percent by 2013. Meanwhile, 21 percents of entertainment usage, including film and music, was sold by retail dealers in 2003, which was followed by expanding to 33%, the largest part of total expenditure in 2013.

The rest of New Zealand retail purchase was divided between books and clothes. Although the proportion of clothes reached nearly a quater of total number in 2003, they have been cut by 8% accounting for the smallest share of the chart. Just a modest ratio of the country's sales was allocated for books, expanding from 19% in 2003 to 22% in 2013.

Hye Jung the retail turnover of trading

That is not what the charts show.


At first glance it is clear that for two of the sectors, like films/music and books, have witnessed (Where is the subject of this verb?) a sharp increase in their ratios of online expenditure (This is grammatical, but not correct. ) during the 10-year time period.

One prominent factor is travelling which took up the lion’s share in 2003, representing for over one third of the total consumption sales before but falling to 29 percent in 2013. Meanwhile, 21 percents (percent is not plural) of entertainment usage, (where is the other 79% of entertainment?) including film and music, was sold by retail dealers in 2003, which was followed by expanding to 33%, the largest part of total expenditure in 2013.

Your vocabulary usage is not right.  Look at example usage: In 2003, spending on travel, as a percentage of total sales, was the largest, at 36%. but over the next ten years, its market share had the greatest decrease. It fell to 29% in 2013.  On the other hand, the proportion shoppers spent on entertainment increased, rising from 21% to 33%. In 2003, the ratio of spending on travel to spending on books was nearly 2:1. 

Sorry for this inconvenience just because of my lack of vocabulary usage. You helped me a lot. Thank you once again. I will try more in next essays.

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I think your overview somehow is not true about the information given. Actually 2 of them decreased and the other two increased.

Secondly, 21 percent for entertainment is not correct. You should have said "The sales in terms of Entertainment occupied 21%....."

The last point is you should not use pronouns in task 1. What is "they" in the last paragraph refered to?

The pie charts display the online-shopping market shares of 4 different retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

Overall, while the travel and clothing industries both experienced a decline in sales, film/music and books both showed an increase. In addition, the film/music industry overtook travel as the leader in online shopping in 2013.

The travel sector accounted for the greatest proportion of total sales on the Internet in 2003, at 36 percent; however, this number decreased significantly to 29 percent in 2013. Although the clothing sector had the second biggest market share in 2003 at 24 percent, its share fell dramatically to only 16 percent in 2013.

Just over a fifth of online sales in New Zealand were made in the film/music industry in 2003. However, this industry became the market leader in 2013, controlling a 33 percent share of the market. The book industry also saw its online sales figures grow, from 19 to 22 percent.

cat aqua 239The pie charts display the online-shopping market shares

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