re: Check My Poem Plz page 4

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guava book 115...Your yoga pants...your sweet caboose... your Phat ass, camel-toe...use my face as a seat....I'm a must raise the rate of divorce every time you dress in a pair...and walk away slow.

I would walk away fast from your writing class. That is not poetry, that is even not funny. It is the work of a 13-year-old. Stop farting around. Start again and raise your sights. Try to shoot nearer to this:

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he’s to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.

I fall for him like an apple fall from tree..Without knowing why it's falling towards earth..Unconditional, unwillingly and with out any warning..Just like this ... I run towards him when I saw him for first time...He was like a bright light and I run towards it to get away from my darkness..Run away from my worries and responsibilities..To make him mine and only mine..But it turn out that he is sun and I am moon ..I can get just glimpse of his love..Not his whole love at all.Because if I try to break my orbit its will destroy the whole universe..If the universe get destroy I can't be able to have a glimpse of that love I am living onn..

Afnan khan.

Can you plz check my poem.

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full poemCan you plz check my poem.

What should I check for, Afnan? I like the beginning part and the ending part. The words 'worries and responsibilities' don't have the right register for your poem.

Bright eyes

Catch and release

Dance around

Fiddle with harmonies

Take my hand

Tell me the mystery

Guide my mind

Throughout our future history

Wild eyes

Breakneck rides

Stomp on dreams

Rip apart all the seams

Give me a power

Then you devour

Past smiles

Broken-down lies

Scared eyes

Cracked glass

Strained, empty grasp

Bare feet on the grass

Run your hand through your hair

Say you’ll always be there

Shifted aspirations

From subtle inspiration

Dim eyes

You think that you’re wiser

Tripping on nothing

A sadist deviser

Blurred lines

With an inconsistence

I keep forgetting

And you keep your distance

Can someone please check this?

If I could pick my favourite day,

I would pick Earth Day,

We get to be green,

And keep our Earth clean,

I wish it was like this everyday.

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anonymousIf I could pick my favourite day,I would pick Earth Day,We get to be green,And keep our Earth clean,I wish it was like this every day.

Pretty good, Anonymous—but notice that 'every day' (meaning 'all of the days') is two words. 'Everyday' (one word) means 'common, uninteresting'.

Hello! Please lemme know the problems with this. Thanx.

Quick and Other Sands

Like slipping sands

through the cliched

grasping fingers

on the reluctant hands

of times sequenced frames

according to order

clicking along

a cosmic film strip

on a projector unseen

Like fine spun glass quicksand

the path beneath your feet

Leaving behind the past

like frames of memories

of the times you used to laugh


The first thing I notice is 'cliched': if it is a cliche, it does not belong in a poem—and if it is used anyway, attention should certainly not be drawn to it by calling it such.

The second thing I notice is short lines for no good reason and no punctuation for no good reason. I feel that you have done those to make it look like a poem and nothing more, but both techniques here do not enhance your meaning; they just make it hard to read and understand.

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