okay i fixed my letter , and now it's looks better ! i really can't see how to make it more official than this one! check itEmotion: smile

Dear Sir,
My name is Guy Cohen, I'm from Israel and I would like to apply for an athletic scholarship at your college.
I would like to tell you about me,
I was born in 83', I've been playing since I was 10 years old.
I was the best scoring player in the youth team of "Hapoel Eilat" - division I.
After the youth team I got recruited to the army (since there is no alternative).
The army wasn’t too bad, since I had my "Active Player" rights, and I was able to play and keep in shape during that time.
I played at Yotveta for 3 years, and I became the captain of the team.
I decided I needed to get an education, and the states were the only place to fulfill my dream, combine basketball and school work at the same time.

At July 2004 , I went to "Eatern Invitational" camp , and I got a few offers from some colleges , but I couldn't afford it , because it's was all division III , and it's not a full scholarship .
I did go to "Hilldale" college (at Michigan) and did a try out game, so u can ask the coach DUMA about my basketball skills on this e-mail address (***@yahoo.com).
fortunally, when I played in the camp , A French coach saw me there and invited me to go on a tour to Paris. I accepted and joined the tour to Paris, and I did my tour there between 4 major teams.
My contact man, Fred knows me very well, and you will be able to address him on his e-mail account on (***@yahoo.com).
The tour was nice, but I'm not interested play for money, I want to learn and get an education, whilst I'm still young.
That's why I came back to Israel.

I understand that the full scholarship is usually given in April or sometime before that, and this is the reason I'm writing to you so soon.
I attached my resume from the camp plus a few pictures, and since then I improved myself A lot.
I am working' right now on my tape , so you'll will be able to see me in the future .
My SAT score was 900 and I am willing to learn anything that involves computers.

Thank you for your time

Sincerely yours,
Guy Cohen

* This e-mail is toward to the head coach , please forward it if it's wrong address !
Well done, it is starting to look like a bit like a letter. The most important thing you need to do is to get some structure into it and sort out the paragraphing, as at the moment virtually every sentence is a paragraph on its own.

Now you have all your thoughts down, you can put them into a better structure. How about:

Paragraph one:which scholarship you are applying for and why you want to go to that particular college?

Paragraph two: why they should give you the scholarship

Paragraph three: future plans

Paragraph four: references etc.

Paragraph five: polite conclusion of letter.

Currently all the information is jumbled up at random and it is quite difficult to pick out the important facts (like your SAT score).
wow ! thanx alot !
it's really helped !!! i'll get my hands on it right now ..