Can you please check this short column on male/female relationships that I translated? It is is supposed to be funny, and I hope you'll enjoy it. I know I have problems with articles, and maybe even with tenses sometimes. If you can give me some better idea to make it more funny, please do so!

A sketch/ A little portrait of a conservative man

‘’If my wife told me to dust, I would throw the cleaning rag through the window’’, certain D.P. boasted, the man whose boys I know inside out and whose wife I met once in my lifetime, by chance.

Pure and Mutated Types

Maybe you have him in your house deliberately. Maybe you live with him, and you do not know it. Pure conservatives, old-fashioned ones, are convinced that women’s place is kitchen, and theirs is pub. Fast driving, mistresses, gold watch and similar banalities are part of their folclore, but they hate to imagine their wife in a similar situation (with a lover, in a fast car, with little gold watch on her wrist). Household is to him a complete taboo; he would rather be castrated than wash the dishes. ‘’If my wife told me to dust, I would throw the cleaning rag through the window,’’ certain D.P. (1952) boasted, the man whose boys I know inside out and whose wife I met once in my lifetime, by chance. Through mutation of his gene we get a model of a moderate conservative, more or less adapted to the demands of the contemporary woman, emphasis given to ‘’less’’. Mutated conservative (now in his thirties or forties) allegedly does not have anything against taking over household chores, taking care of the children, even of heating up the lunch, but only because he is afraid of your nerves. As soon as your hands start shaking, he picks up a small broom, which the pure type would not dream of doing/ which the pure type would not do in his wildest dreams. In accordance with this, my husband is a Mutated Type. He lost the relationship with his grand-grandfather base, so he is OK with the household. But, since we divided the chores, we can breed giraffes in our house. Guests leave, and the bones that they had gnawed are left on the stove for days. When my husband does the ironing, a tiny vein pops on his forehead. Not that he is complaining, far away from that. But something is telling me that his next wife, no matter what she would be like, will iron her head off/flat out/in full swing. Where did I in the first place get this naively optimistic theory that men are physically more fit to do the household chores? He was young and crazy and he trusted me, and now he knows that I am cunning and more verbal than a devil’s advocate. If somebody is to be blamed for the mess, it is me. Isn’t it natural for a woman to walk in little slippers around the house and to wipe/go over glass surfaces with electrified cleaning rag? And isn’t it unnatural for her to like fast driving and gold watches? This is not a woman anymore, thinks the Mutated Type, whose consciousness/mind is still marked by the traces of the Pure.

Just my two cents...

Pure and Mutated Types

Maybe you have him in your house deliberately. Maybe you live with him, and you do not know it. Pure conservatives, old-fashioned ones, are convinced that women’s place is (in the) kitchen, and theirs is (parallel) pub. Fast driving, mistresses, gold watch (one?) and similar banalities (they are banalities?) are part of their folclore (sp. and wording), but they hate to imagine their wife (1?) in a similar situation (with a lover, in a fast car, with little gold watch on her wrist). Household (wording) is to him a complete taboo; he would rather be castrated than wash the dishes. (that's rather strong.) ‘’If my wife told me to dust, I would throw the cleaning rag through the window,’’ certain D.P. (1952) boasted, the man whose boys I know inside out and whose wife (one?) I met once in my lifetime, by chance. Through mutation of his gene we get a model of a moderate conservative, more or less adapted to the demands of the contemporary woman, (something missing) emphasis given to ‘’less’’. Mutated conservative (now in his thirties or forties) allegedly does not have anything against taking over household chores, taking care of the children, even of heating up the lunch, but only because he is afraid of your (you're speaking to only ladies?) nerves. As soon as your hands start shaking, he picks up a small broom, which the pure type would not dream of doing/ which the pure type would not do in his wildest dreams. In accordance with (awk.) this, my husband is a Mutated Type. He lost the relationship with his grand-grandfather base (what does that mean?), so he is OK with the household. But, since we divided the chores, we can breed giraffes (what do you mean?) in our house. Guests leave, and the bones that they had gnawed are left on the stove for days. When my husband does the ironing, a tiny vein pops on his forehead. Not that he is complaining, far away from that. But something is telling me that his next wife, no matter what she would be like, will iron her head off/flat out/in full swing. (what do you mean?) Where did I in the first place get this naively optimistic theory that men are physically more fit to do the household chores? He was young and crazy and he trusted me, and now he knows that I am cunning and more verbal than a devil’s advocate (wording). If somebody is to be blamed for the mess, it is me. Isn’t it natural for a woman to walk in little slippers around the house and to wipe glass surfaces with electrified (what is that?) cleaning rag? And isn’t it unnatural for her to like fast driving and gold watches? This is not a woman anymore, thinks the Mutated Type, whose mentality is still marked by the traces of the Pure.
Hi!

Thank you for responding. This is a translation, it is not an original text, so banalities here mean status symbols in a derrogative sense. It is folklore not folclore. Does it sound too awkard if I leave it? Do you have a better suggestion?

Household-perhaps doing household chores? Can it not houshold stand by itself?

I have to leave castration because it is a translation.I must not change the meaning.

''the man whose boys I know inside out and whose wife I met once in my lifetime..'' Yes, one, it relates to the man

Through mutation of his gene we get a model of a moderate conservative, more or less adapted to the demands of the contemporary woman, (something missing) emphasis given to ‘’less’’ This less should refer to the ''less adapted to the demands ...''. I don't know how to avoid this. Can you please help me?

but only because he is afraid of your (you're speaking to only ladies?) Yes, the author is speaking only to ladies

Perhaps I should replace in accordance to this with in this sense or something like that?

He lost the relationship with his grand-grandfather base (what does that mean?), so he is OK with the household-this means that the mutated type evolved a little bit in relation to his ancestors who were the Pure types or more conservative. In this sense he lost the relationship with his grand-grandfather base.

he is ok with the household-What's wrong with this? Is it OK if I write: Household is not a problem to him. or He is ok with doing the household chores or He doesn't mind doing the household chores?

breed giraffes- it's another literal translation meaning we can do whatever we want even breed giraffes if we want to

will iron her head off/flat out/in full swing-it means that she'll be enthusiastic about ironing

''a devil’s advocate (wording)''-it's a literal translation

electrified cleaning rag-is the galvanized better word? when you clean, the rag becomes electrified

mentality- meaning set of values and attitudes of a person or a nation. Can you please help me find a better solution?However, it is also a literal translation

Thank you very much for your time and effort