Well time to apply to college, the application has to be in by January first and Ive talked to my english teacher about my Essay... I am in AP enlgish but when my Teacher went over the essay with me it was in a hurry so I didnt quite get all the he was saying. I know there are some sentence structure problems, but Ive always had trouble point those out. This is my 2nd draft any comments or critic I would love.

Describe a person or event that has had a profound effect upon your life.

My mother and father are two people that have had a profound effect on my life, but that is so cliché. I will have to say that my cousin Dave has had a very profound effect upon my life this has meant a lot to me; throughout my life I have talked to Dave and heard about how well Dave has been doing and in general, it has just inspired me to try my best in hope to do as well as him.

Now I did not grow up with Dave, he is about 8 years older then me but I did get to know him well as a cousin. My grandma would have these Sunday dinners or lunches where the whole family would get together, eat and then swim. Stories would be told about Dave and how smart he is or how well he is doing, these inspired me to better in school, sports and now my job, hoping that one day I would have similar stories told about me.

Dave has been very successful in what he has done: he was valedictorian at Dartmouth College and then went on to become a computer programmer from some great companies. I have looked up to him for as long as I can remember and I hope that I can become just as great as he is. He is currently working for Google and living in California, great apartment and loving family. I guess you could say my largest goal in life is to be successful, happy, and altruistic like my cousin Dave.

Now-a-days I talk to Dave as often as possible through e-mail, we talk about recent new games we’ve played or I’ll ask him for advice on college or school. I do not get to see him often usually only around the holidays so I’m glad I am still able to at least chat with him. In addition, he has been a lot of help with college issues, such as giving me tips on how to study for the SATs or suggesting some good colleges for the major I want. If it weren’t for him I would be in the dark on a lot of issues and the fact that he can take the time out of his busy day to help me out really means a lot to me. I admire that.
My cousin Dave is really my role model and his two kids are very lucky to have him as a father. I hope that this essay shows you what a good person Dave is and that his effect on me is maybe one of the best things to ever have happened to me. His benevolent attitude and intelegence has brought him far in life and I hope that those characteristics in me can take me as far if not further.

I dont have much longer for this essay to be looked at, the sooner I apply the better. Any critic welcome.

I think you should be more specific and more personal. Admissions officers

don't want to see the list of activities Dave has done, but how he's done them and

how his activities have influenced you. Perhaps you should focus on the his greatest

act that clearly shows his personality.
Yeah your right, thanks for the tip. Ill revise it tonight when I get back.