Hi everyone. This is my college admissions essay for USF, if anyone could offer some suggestions on making the essay direct and clear and making every word count. Please don't mind the gramattical errors,( I'll be dealing with that later) and just focus on the context of it. I'll be sending my application on Saturday so if anyone could help me before that it would be GREATLY GREATLY appreciated. Thanks.

Please compose a one or two page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission -that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals and architects of a more humane and just world.

Even since I was nine, the wise words of my parents remained with me through the years; I was told, “In this world you must be aware of the many problems and help not only reactively but proactively.
As a young adolescent, my mother’s wise teachings and key phrases always helped me see the world in a more potential light. Being raised in a family full of faith and values, my mother made sure I was able to distinguish right from wrong. Together, we watch the news and witness all these terrible adversities occurring all around the U.S. We both stand in disbelief as my mother says, “If only we could receive help from all, then things would be much better.” we both hope for the best during those tough times, My mother gave me value that there is always hope. Whether it was for a person who is low on money or a person who is fighting a disease. I was told that there is always a cause for something and It could mean just helping someone out for the greater good .If one can do that then it’s much better than just giving money I believe that we need to allow ourselves to offer help when it’s apparently needed and not simply help when asked.

My mother’s upbringing of living a life full of hope and faith drew me to a place where I longed to offer my assistance most; my local church. Aside from being active in my weekly youth group, every Sunday, I assist the Sunday school teachers in helping young kids ages three, six further their knowledge on the teachings of God and celebrate his presence. Using role-playing games, stories, and songs as methods to teach these kids, I know they enjoy learning about God. As I help these kids, it brings me all the way to my young roots and how I was raised. I help preach about the glory of God and how he plays an important role in each our lives. Helping and informing children makes me feel like I am just spreading the world on. My close connection with kids brought me closer to them and helping them is very rewarding. Young children today are our future and by informing them about teaching them good values will help them grow up to be good individuals. This led me to me the selfless person I am today. I knew from then I wanted to help people; not only help them but provide them with a sense of hope and willingness to spread the common good out there by means of community, schools, and family.

When I was nine, my mother taught me that charity that stays at home is not a good way to provide people help. Charity does not have to consist of a dollar sign, or have to be monetary-based. Charity is best acknowledged when practiced out of the home such as helping in the community and or local neighborhood. The best way I wanted to offer my charity was to the elderly. While living in a family with two grandparents, I know first-hand how difficult it is to live a disabled life around the community. Currently, I am an active member of the Bayanihan Cultural Organization, a non- profit organization that focuses on helping the elderly with their daily tribulations. For those who aren’t able to cook, we offer food. If they need a place to go, they go here. Along with our organization, we carry a Filipino dancing group where we perform dances to the elderly and show the grace of historic Filipino dances. Each time I perform, it always seems to bring a smile on their face. When our group is not dancing, we will visit the disadvantaged elderly at their homes and sing carols, play music or cook food for the holidays. When I see that warm smile and pure enjoyment of what I do for them, it makes my day remarkable. I’m glad to know that even though they are left with limited options, that I can offer a helping hand and even crack a smile on their face. Their gratitude towards me makes me feel proud to help. I consider it my passion. It transforms me from the normal girl at school to this assiduous helper that strives to help and make people happy. After all, its all for the greater good. I forever knew that giving help will provide hope and will make someone’s day much brighter.

As I go to college and start a bright new future, I will bring these values along and show the world that all help whether it’s for your loved ones or to complete strangers is needed and deeply appreciated. My goal is now concise; to excel in a place that will help guide me in my direction as well as help me carry on my beliefs of providing service to others. Somewhere where I can expand my good morals and values out elsewhere is just another stepping stone. I have served my family, my youth, my elderly and now I wish to serve more. I know it will make my family, my community and most of all, myself happy. Looking back over the past year, I am proud of the work I have accomplished, but I am even more excited at the foundation I have laid for my future. Now is still the time.

If we can change people and teach them that helping is all for the greater good, then I think that’s enough to have people achieve their limitations and become the successors, not only mind wise but heart-wise as well.
What subject are you going to be studying? This sounds very heavy on religion to me, which might be relevant, but if you are not studying at a seminary or something similar, you might be better sounding a bit less like your mission is to spread the word of God!
Hi Angelina,

Please note that the grammatical errors in a college essay count a lot...especially when the very first word in your essay is wrong.