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Hello,

The following is a small paragraph my friend composed on the independence of India. I would like an honest assessment of the standard and the style of the writing.

Tantalizing independence of India was at last achieved and enjoyed at first on 15th August 1947. Countless martyrs fell prey to the pathetic display of dignity to bring us the smile of independence. But we are yet to be fit to rise to our feet to hold the sweet canopy our beloved independence. With the bitter sweet experiences of the long 64 years, we have reached this day to stand united under the tri colour flag - the life and pride of our country. It is not only an auspicious day for us but also a red letter day to remind us to convince the world of our national integrity. As the future citizens of the holy country, we the students should pledge allegiance to the flag and get ready to walk all the futurity with the pride of freedom so that we can not blame ourselves of being black sheep of mother india. With all her blessings let us move forward.

I really want sincere criticism so that we can improve our style of writing.
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Hello

Your paragraph is full of nonsensical expressions that seem to have been translated by one of the online software-driven translation services. Each sentence contains phrases and couplings of words that are simply not said by proficient speakers of English.

However, there is a certain 'poetic' to your composition - perhaps you might consider writing a song or poem instead?

Your grammar and sentence structure need serious attention. One example, you say: "stand united under the tri colour flag - the life and pride of our country". Is the tri-colour Indian FLAG the life and pride of your country or are you speaking about the youth (students) of your nation? The way you have written your sentence bestows animate qualities (life and pride) to an inanimate object (a flag). Is this what you intended?

Perhaps if you provided more context about why and what you wish to write about we could be of more assistance.

John
Comments  
Thank you for drawing my attention to the ambiguity of the sentence.

This is a paragraph my friend wrote to be used as a speech on the independence day of India. I am sure It's the flag - and not the children - he refers to as being the pride and life of the country. Perhaps, his main purpose was to concentrate on patriotism, and sing the importance and glory of our country.

Would you plz comment on the phrases like tantalizing independence, fell pray to the pathetic display of dignity, yet to be fit to rise to their feet, black sheep etc.