hi everyone,
I have written a narrative essay in 60 minutes.im 16 year old doing O level and english is not my native language.I would be very grateful to you if you gradethis essay and advise me where I need to work on.thnk you
"I had practised saying it a hundred times but when the moment came,I just could not open my mouth."

Asad was the epitome of sympathy and mercifulness.Young and handsome,he had returned from the United States,a few months back after completeing his higher studies as a Cancer Specialist Surgeon.He was formidable,comitted to his work and loyal to his profession.In kindness and candidness,he had no paralell in the shaukat khanum hospital where he worked.

Asad was happily engaged to his neighbour Alia.Alia was an icon of joviality in the family.Smart and gorgeous,she would make anyone smile with just her one look.A final year student in university,she had planned to get married that December.Alia and Asad adored each other and would never fall asleep without listening to each other's voice at night and discussing about each other's day.They just could not wait to get married.

One fateful day Asad's colleague walked into his clinic.His colleague,who was a general surgeon,wanted his views on a medical report that he could not diagnose."I am sure it is cancer but cannot figure out at what stage",said Asad's colleague Hamid.Asad's face became gloomy-the usual look on his face when he used to see a patient's report whose cancer had reached an incurable stage.Hamid guessed his colleague's facial expressions.They both looked into each other's eyes and shook their heads.

A storm of torment and anxiety broke upon Asad when Hamid asked him to tell the patient about his fatal condition himself.Since Aasd was a specialist,Hamid thought he would be able to reveal the condition to the patient and console him in a better way.

That night could be counted as the worst night of Asad's life.He did not even eat anything that whole day.His mind was overflowing with the tension of facing a feisty young patient the next day and explaining to her that dreaded diagnosis.He stayed awake all night,standing infront of his bedroom mirror,and practising saying that a hundred times.His condition stabled after talking to Alia,who convinced her to go ahead with it and tell that bitter truth to that patient.

On the following day ,a lovely november cool breeze was blowing.Asad sadly drove to his hospital on his Mercedez while the drizzle fell on to the windscreen.Holding reports in his one hand,he slowly walked towards Hamid's clinic,where he was notified that Hmid had not arrived yet but his patient was waiting in his room.Asad,his head bent down,proceeded calmly towards Hamid's room and gently pushed the handle to open the door.He mustered up his courage and in a low voice said good moring to the petite and smart unlucky girl whose back was facing the door.When she turned her face to reply him,he blinked his eyes twice in confusion and amazement.And when he gradually accepted that what he was seeing was in fact real,all his bravado melted away and tears came rolling in from his bright hazel eyes.His patient's beaming face reddened and she took a deep breath.Asad felt his hands becoming numb and the reports fell from his hand.Then,ran towards his room,smashing the door.

Piercing the dead silence of his clinic's miserable atmosphere,his cell phone rang.Hamid was on the other end of the line."I had practised saying it a hundred times,but when the moment came I just could not open my mouth",whispered Asad almost stammering."It was my Alia".And dropped the receiver.
I enjoyed reading your story. A possible Ballywood plot in the making???

(Just kidding. Just kidding.)

Perhaps a little more "show" and a little less "tell" would help. just my 2 cents.
urm. totally out of point. i will fail you immediately if i were a teacher. the topic said " I had practised saying it a hundred times but when the moment came, i just couldn't open my mouth."

It isn't a third person point of view story. that's why, right from the start, you will fail. details are improtant. nevertheless, pretty nice story (:
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you essay cool!
This is an amazingly creatvie essay!!!!!!!!!! Keep it up. if i was a teacher i would give you a 19/20. The content and language used in it is sparkling. Good job!!!!!!! U cn reply to this by emailing me on Email Removed">Email Removed

Nice but the story is a bit incomplete. It's like there is a part 2 of this story. If there is, then it's fine. I liked the story.

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