I am learning NCE iii myself, here is my composition of lesson eight, which is about "St. Bernard Pass". I know there are many problems, but I don't know how to improve it:


A monk took two dogs out for exercise in the morning, when they went near the Pass.The dogs suddenly became very restless, as they found a traveller's bag in the snow, which has a traveller's name and some tools. It's obviously that somebody was in trouble.
A search party was organized soon after the monks returned to the monestery. They were led by the dogs to the Pass.As there were high winds the previous night, it was heavy fog in the morning. The temperature was 20 degree below zero. Everyone was very worried because nobody can be alive after exposing in such cold weather over 24 hours. When getting near the Pass, the dogs found a man behind a huge rock, who was trapped unconsciously under the snow except his head. The dogs dragged him out. He was taken to the monastery on a sledge. For the old monks had experience to recover frozen people, he waked very soon. After rest for a while, he told what had happend at previous night.
There are not too many problems really.

You need to organise your thoughts a little better and think about where each paragraph (I think you need more than two) and sentence should start and finish.

You also need to check that your use of tense is consistant.

First paragraph for you:
A monk took two dogs our for their morning exercise and ventured ner the pass. Both dogs suddenly became very excited as they had found a bag in the snow which contained some travelling (climbing?) tools. It was clear/obvious that somebody was in trouble.
Thanks a lot for your suggestion.

Actually, it asked at least 200 words, soEmotion: embarrassed I write the sentence too long. Cause I don't know
how to develop the details.