Point out some errors for me please. Thank you.

Purpose : To persuade the readers that success is not all about their family backgrounds, their education, and their personality; regardless of who they are, they can one day become successful.

Introduction :
"Thank you for coming. We are going to make some history today. Today, Apple is going to reinvent the phone" (Avery, 2007). Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, excited his audiences at the annual Macworld Conference and Expo in San Francisco last year. He walked onto the stage and enthusiastically presented his new innovation, iPhone, which later became the most wanted mobile phone in human history. Only two days before,Window Vista, Microsoft's new operating system, was launched at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. All the techno-geeks were stunned by Bill Gates, a chairman of Microsoft, and his new product, one that, according to Gates, will be the most used software on the planet (Avery, 2007). These two gentlemen are among the most successful people alive today, both in terms of wealth and prestige. They are listed as one of the richest Americans for several year in a row. While, Jobs was awarded the National Medal of Technology and was introduced into the California Hall of Fame (Beetz, n.d.), Gates was named CEO of the year (Petechuk, n.d.) and was honored with the KBE Order (Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire) (Woopidoo, n.d.). However, despite the similarity regarding their prestige, both men are very different in many aspects: family backgrounds, education, and personality.

Conclusion :
Steve Job and Bill Gates are two iconic technologists that most children wish to become. How to be successful like them? many may ask. Do I need to be raised in a well-off family? Do I need to be educated in an elite college? Or what kind of person do I need to be? According to the two successful gentlemen, Stave Jobs and Bill Gates, it is neither the matter of your family nor your education nor your personality. What is the matter, then? a question has risen. For centuries, philosophers and sociologists have tried to answer this, but have never be able to come up with a unanimous answer. This might be because one that know the answer the best is the one himself who asks it. Take a minute and carefully consider it. No matter what your answer would be, one truth is you can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Say "make history", not "make some history".

Say:
They have been listed as two of the richest Americans for several years in a row.

Say:
inducted into the California Hall of Fame

Re:
While, Jobs was awarded the National Medal of Technology and was introduced into the California Hall of Fame (Beetz, n.d.), Gates was named CEO of the year (Petechuk, n.d.) and was honored with the KBE Order (Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire) (Woopidoo, n.d.).

You shouldn't have a comma after While. On the other hand, it shouldn't be there in the first place. Instead, say:
Jobs was awarded the National Medal of Technology and was introduced into the California Hall of Fame (Beetz, n.d.), and Gates was named CEO of the year (Petechuk, n.d.) and was honored with the KBE Order (Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire) (Woopidoo, n.d.).

Try:
Despite the marked similarities between them, both men are very different in many aspects: family background, education, and personality.

Try:


Many people would like to be as successful as Steven Jobs and Bill Gates, but how can it be done?

Try:
For centuries, philosophers and sociologists have tried to find an answer but have been unable to do so. This might be because the one who knows the answer best is the one who asks it. Take a minute and carefully consider it. No matter what your answer is, one truth is that you can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.