I am translating a novel and all I want is someone who can just give it a read along with critical comments. Please read the following passage and let me know if what I have written is grammatically correct or not.

"The sun was casting its shiny rays on the dew-morning when I reached at the bus stop traipsing. My bag was hanging over my shoulder and the water bottle was in my hand. I kept the bag on a side and sat on the bench with the stodgy mien-the same place-where I'd wait for the arrival of the bus for ten minutes daily. The weather was getting hotter day by day. The scroching heat of sun was becoming unbearable.I was sweating profusely at this time of morning. I took a sup of water in a humdrum way. My face was wearing the same perpetual exasperating expressions and my eyes were filled with indignent. I was wearing the usual attire- Long shirt along with jeans and my scarf was around my neck. I was looking around with critical eyes- sitting leg-crossed-leg.
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Are you translating this with the intention of trying to get the translation published, or is it just for your own interest?
It's for publication but before that the author said that the work will be checked by an editor as well. So, I want it to be well translated before it is checked by any editor. So, your reviews on my translation?
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It is mostly grammatically correct (more or less), and mostly intelligible, but there are a lot of odd word uses and unnatural or unidiomatic phrasings, which I have highlighted below. I have also highlighted some typos and spacing/punctuation errors.

The sun was casting its shiny rays on the dew-morning when I reached at the bus stop traipsing. My bag was hanging over my shoulder and the (?) water bottle was in my hand. I kept the bag on a side and sat on the bench with the stodgy mien-the same place-where I'd wait for the arrival of the bus for ten minutes daily. The weather was getting hotter day by day. The scroching heat of sun was becoming unbearable.I was sweating profusely at this time of morning. I took a sup of water in a humdrum way. My face was wearing the same perpetual exasperating expressions and my eyes were filled with indignent. I was wearing the usual attire- Long shirt along with jeans and my scarf was around my neck. I was looking around with critical eyes- sitting leg-crossed-leg.

There are two different characters: hyphen (-) and dash (– or —, depending on style). These have completely different uses. In some cases you are using a hyphen when it presumably should be a dash. If typing a proper dash is too hard on your keboard then type either "word - word" or "word -- word". If it's a dash, do not type "word-word" or "word- word". Use "word-word" only for hyphenated words. There is never a reason to use "word- word". Do not overuse dashes.

PS. Why would you be wearing a scarf round your neck on a boiling hot day??
I'm going to post my comments and proposed corrections in another entry. Your original is in bold, with my additions in red and deletions in strikeout. If I had further comments after a line or lines, they will appear in regular type with red run-in headings. I have noted problems in grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, idiom, and cultural reference. I hope they're self-explanatory. If not, you may ask me to explain myself. In any case, I'm not going to cover those problems here. I do want to talk about two larger issues.

The first is the issue of the narrator, i.e., who is telling the story. You have three choices of person – first, second, and third, and many variations of those. You seem to have chosen first person. That is, the narrator says “I” – “I reached the bus stop.” You have also chosen to let the narrator tell the reader about what's in his mind. (“my imagination ran wild.”). Those choices are fine and probably dictated by the original, but you have to be careful to restrict yourself to what an individual telling a story can know. “I” wouldn't generally describe his own expression unless there's a mirror at hand. “I” can't know what's in another person's mind. So your narrator can tell what the woman is looking at but he can't say what she sees. Only she knows that. Your first person narrator might be unreliable, i.e., he might fail to tell the truth. For instance, the woman on the bus could turn out to be figment of the narrator's imagination, something due to heat stroke. Readers may find that out later or perhaps they have to guess. Or the narrator can be reliable, reporting things that happen as anyone would see them.

Second person narration isn't common. The author puts the reader in place as the narrator and speaks for “you.” The only example I can think of is Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney, which says, “You take more cocaine and you ruin your life.” And not much more.

Third person talks about the characters. In third person, your story would start, “The man reached the bus stop.” If the third person is “omniscient,” then the narrator can describe the thoughts of all the characters. A third person narrator may introduce his own commentary in the story or restrict himself to the unfolding action of the story.

Different portions of the story may have different narrators, but in any one segment, you have to stay with one and write consistently from the current narrator's point of view.

The second issue is conveying the sense of the original. What does it mean to talk to a black woman in Islamabad? Will she have an accent? Will she speak in a particular dialect. This will likely be different from talking to a black woman in Chicago, and you have to realize that readers will bring their own experiences to your story. My edits make everybody sound the same, and that may well be wrong.
The sun was casting its shiny rays on the dew-morning when I reached at the bus stop traipsing.

shiny. In English, the sun shines. So whatever it sends is shiny, so “shiny rays” tells us nothing. We're expecting some figurative language – “blinding” for bright; “molten” for hot. Or metaphorical, like one of the most celebrated poetical weather reports in the language: “The fog comes on little cat feet.”

dew-morning. It's common to find noun-noun phrases where the first noun modified the second (e.g., office manager). Won't work here, though. “Dewy morning” A dewy morning, however, has to be cool. The scorching heat of the sun mentioned below would have burned off any dew.

traipsing. The gerund is too far from “I,” the word it modifies. But the fix isn't to write “I, traipsing, reached.” This is not only unnatural, but it's an expression weakened by the contrast of the heaviness of traipsing and the neutrality of reaching. And, unfortunately, “traipsing” also has a meaning of moving carelessly. You're better off with the word “trudge”: “as I trudged to the bus stop.”

My bag was hanging over my shoulder and thea water bottle was in my hand. I kept the bag on a side and sat on the bench with the stodgy mien-the same place-where I'd wait for the arrival of the bus for ten minutes daily.

On a side.“Keeping the bag at my side, I sat.” Or “I kept the bag at my side as I sat.”

with the stodgy mien. The prepositional phrase is misplaced. The speaker is presumably the one with the stodgy mien, but the placement either makes the bench the modified noun or makes the speaker sit beside the mien, both of which are impossible. “Stodgy” either means dull and boring or bulky. “Mien” means appearance, particularly facial expression. The former isn't an apt modifier of the latter.

the same place Hyphens are wrong here, and dashes won't help either. “The same place” is in apposition to “bench,” and the stodgy mien gets in the way. But that has to be moved anyway, so something like “I kept the bag at my side and a dull expression on my face, as I sat on the bench, the same place,....”

daily. Better “every day.” Thus “where every day, I waited ten minutes for the bus.”

The weather was getting hotter day by day.

day by day. This is an odd locution for past events next to the ten-minute wait, which is in the present. You need something like, “I had noticed that the weather had been getting hotter day by day” to talk about past temperature trends.

The scrochingscorching heat of sun was becoming unbearable. I was sweating profusely at this time of morning. I took a sup of water in a humdrum way.

at this time of morning. You need something like “even at this time of morning” to indicate how remarkably hot things are.

sup. Correct, but somewhat old fashioned. Better “sip.”

humdrum. Humdrum means ordinary. Is there any other way to sip water?

My face was wearing the same perpetual exasperating expressions and my eyes were filled with indignent.

Exasperating expressions … eyes … filled. That should be “a perpetually exasperated expression” and “eyes … filed with indignation.” “Perpetually” makes “the same” redundant. Although it's hard to imagine how the speaker can see his own face. These descriptions are usually made by another party.

I was wearing themy usual attire --Llong shirt along with jeans and mya scarf was around my neck. I was looking around with critical eyes, sitting leg-crossed-legged.

[Para]Suddenly, I realized that, that same negro was sitting beside me. It had been one and a half month since I was seeing her on this bus-standat this bus stop.

Same negro. Two problems. The first is, same as what? At this point, your reader hasn't a clue where this person came from. Second problem: the word “Negro” (which is always capitalized). Any American reader will be misled by the dated nature of the word. There's nothing pejorative. One of the most respected educational charities in the US is called the United Negro College Fund, which sponsors scholarships to historically black US colleges and universities. And that's what black Americans have chosen to call themselves since the 1960s – black. (That and “African-American,” which is hardly available in Pakistan.) “Negro” would be a jarring note to any American reader. Is she African, say Kenyan or Nigerian? I'll go with that as an example, but of course, I don't know what the Urdu says in the original.

I was sitting beside an African woman, and I suddenly realized that I had seen her over the past six weeks waiting at my bus stop.

Seeing negroes in Islamabad is nothing to be stupefied- but she was different than that of her genre.

to be stupefied. This means shocked into an unthinking state. I think you mean it's nothing surprising, so “to be surprised about.”

different than. Better “different from.”

genre. That's a category of art, not people. I don't know what word to choose that won't make your narrator seem boorish, unless Africans in Islamabad all look and dress alike.

She would wear an overcoat and would keep her head covered by making a knot of her headscarf at the back of her neck.

Would wear … would keep. This verb form can have a future sense of uncertainty. Don't you means that she wore and overcoat and kept her head covered? This is the simple past tense, suitable for current events in a narration.

Apparently, her complexion was black and had chubby lips- but her eyes were lustrous.

Apparently. Why apparently? If the woman is a Negro or a black African, then her skin doesn't just appear black; it is black.

complexion. This is usually more than skin color, but includes tone and texture.

chubby lips.“Thick” is better.

but her eyes. This isn't a “but,” that is, black skin and thick lips aren't a contrast to lustrous eyes. You'd use “but” in the phrasing “Her skin was dull, but her eyes were lustrous.” Don't use hyphens, when commas will do.

Her eyes had a bizarre shine that I never ventured to have a direct contact with them.

direct contact. Means touching. You want “look directly into,” thus: “I never ventured to look directly into her eyes, which had a bizarre shine.

She was an eerie character. She displayed the constant comportment without any variation.She would sit with her straight backback straight, always seeing in an undeviating direction.

constant … without variation. Redundant.

comportment. Bearing but also behavior. Perhaps “posture” is better

seeing. Only she knows what she sees. You want “staring.”

She was a taciturn girl- and And then there washer weird book, of which front cover was purewith its solid black front cover that she held tightly and she would hold it with a tightgrip-, as if the book waswere valuable.and precious.Her apparent attitude would demosntrate it to beseemed to indicate that the book was an irreplaceable book.The book was an inch widethick. The outlooking pages of the book were pale yellow and worn out.

outlooking. I don't know what pages those are. Wouldn't the black cover hide them?

As if it was an antidiluvien book or heretofore nostrum; maybe any classified document or any enigmatic parable.

antidiluvien. Antediluvian.

heretofore nostrum.“Heretofore” means before now. “Nostrum” means a quack remedy. What's the connection?

enigmatic parable. Enigmatic means mysterious. Why would any parable necessarily be important or precious?

Between us was lyinglay my bag and that girl was looking at my bag with her head bent down and squinteding her eyes at where my name was written in every form and style- Mehmil Ibrahim. She would look at my bag once in a blue moon. But I spent my entire ten minutes would spend in observing her.

I'm afraid that none of the above makes much sense. If the girl was looking at the bag (past continuous), then she was continuing to look at it, but then you say she only looked at the bag “once in a blue moon,” which means once in a very long time. But the two of them are at the bus stop for only a short while, ten minutes. You say she bent down, but before you say that her posture was unchanging. How many times was the name Mehmil Ibrahim written? Sounds like a lot: every form and style.

Whenever I'd look at her book, my imaginations would run wild. And this curiosity had led me to waylay her.

waylay. Means to stop (with an uncomfortable connotation of attack). But the two are already stopped waiting for a bus.

Excuse me!” I said. “Can I ask you something?”

Yes.” she replied as sShe looked at me with her glassy eyes.


Glassy eyes are dull and dazed, not really compatible with her lustrous gaze from before.

Whose book is this?” I asked.

It's mine.” she replied.

I meant to ask what's it about written in it.” I corrected myself.

She kept on seeinglooking at me placidly and then replied slowly,It has my life's story.”


Oh really...! “ I said. I thoughttook it to be an ancient book.” I couldn't conceal my bewilderment.

It is.she told me. “It is a primitive book. It was written centuries ago.”

Then wWhere did you get it from?” I asked.

She said, From an old shop of eEgypt.


Egypt. It has to be Egyptian something. Egyptian curios? Artifacts?

It was lying between some other books. When I picked it uptook it out, ;

took it out. This illustrates the problem with not knowing the original. “Took it out” is grammatical, but in English it means taking a book out of a library.

it hasdthe sands from aeon's sands of time on it. I wiped that dust off and took it along with me. And when I read this book, I reckoned that someone had left this book it there writtenjust for me.” She was patting her book lovingly and smiling vaguely. I gawked on her reply.

took it along. Unfortunately the antecedent of it is by placement “dust,” and you want it to be “book.”

What interest do you have in it?” Sshe asked.

I want to know more about it.I said. “Can I have a read?”


She smiled slightly., saying You are a new generation of a new era. How will you understand this heretofore book?”

But what'sit has. What is written in it?” I asked, mMy inner curiosity had beganbeginning to make me fidget me.

It has my past.” she repeated.The clamouredof the bus hornof the bus boggledstartledme.


It has my present.” she continued.And it has my future too. What's going to happen. , tThis book tells it all..That negro continued saying.

I stood up holding my bag and as I headed to the bus, I said apologetically, Okay. I have to go now.” I stood up holding my bag and said her apologetically and headed toward the bus.

It statestalksabout you as well, Mehmil.” she said.I turned on my heels.

on my heels. “On my heel” means to pivot 180 degrees. Hard to do with both heels.

Does it state about me? What it has written for me?” I asked.

state, written. Neither is grammatical or can be made natural. Maybe: “What does it say about me?” or “What's written about me?”

I winced at her in a nonplussed manner.

winced, nonplussed. This doesn't work because “wince” implies pain; “nonplussed,” confusion.

She replied, It says tThat I should give this book to you. But I will give this book to you only when you will get tiredtire of yourself and will come to ask for it yourself. Because it has your life's story as well. What is bygone and what is coming forth,all is it has written all in it.”

The horn of the bus clamoured again so I rushed toward it without replying. While clambering up the rod of the bus, I turned my head and her uncanny, seemingly-meaningful smile sent shivers down my spine.

rod of the bus. I don't know what that is.
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I am much obliged to you for doing this kind favour. Thank You so much for taking time out and correcting my mistakes.
By "purist" to you mean someone who speaks english proper or someone who is old fashionedly talking?
Your tenses are mixed up. Traipsing should be dropped. It is a useless and misplaced word. End at the object-the bus stop. Traipsing belongs before the bus stop. Dew instead of dewey. Pretty good start. Keep practicing. Try reading some short English sentences and analyze how they are structured.
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