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Could someone correct my anti-obsessive love poem
the assignment was to write a anti poem, and I was
wondering wheter this is a anti-love poem, is not super
strongly written, so pls give your advise and comments
and corrections, I would really appreciate that!

Anti- Obsessive Love

In the ocean of your eyes,
I'd have liked to drown voluntarily.
Everytime I looked at you
I seemed to have drowned even deeper and deeper.
I might had ever reached the bottom of your heart?
I might.....
When you looked into my eyes you saw
my ocean full of raspacious manic love for you...

Desolated streets, greyish sky
limitless silence and the unbearable agony
which reminds me of the abandoning fact
you were to be the light of my life
to which I wanted to give all my love.
Innocent tears of obsessive love, the dangerous kind
desired to that one look of you which
couldn't express: I love you

There falls a dark shadow
on the light of a sunny day.
There comes a wave
of sadness and takes all my happiness away.
I see the leaves fly away dreary,
Even the breeze
doesn't give me any message.
No one thinking of me.
She didn't abandon me out of her life.
I was just never present in it.
That's how my life ends like a dark shadow
Falling on the light of a sunny day.

Alphabetically that was what would have supposed to happen, right?
Being obsessively in love, the dangerous kind, which once is tasted will
haunt you forever, all-consuming and ends in tears and everlasting misery.

I passed over that part, rewriting my story with a happy end and a
life lesson to be learned: You don't need to be in love to be happy.
I'm not and surviving perfectly.

Written by Faisal Syed


Comments  
I'd be so greatful it somone could take 2 minutes to correct my poem
if there are any mistakes in it, which I believe there are:P!
faisal112
Could someone correct my anti-obsessive love poem
the assignment was to write a anti poem, and I was
wondering wheter this is a anti-love poem, is not super
strongly written, so pls give your advise and comments
and corrections, I would really appreciate that!

Anti- Obsessive Love

In the ocean of your eyes,
I'd have liked to drown voluntarily.
Everytime I looked at you every time
I seemed to have drowned even deeper and deeper.
I might had ever reached the bottom of your heart? I may never have reached
I might..
When you looked into my eyes you saw
my ocean full of raspacious manic love for you... ?

Desolated streets, greyish sky
limitless silence and the unbearable agony
which reminds me of the abandoning fact elusive
you were to be the light of my life
to which I wanted to give all my love. whom
Innocent tears of obsessive love, the dangerous kind
desired to that one look of you which yearned for just one glimpse of you, which

couldn't express: I love you I couldn't put in words:

There falls a dark shadow
on the light of a sunny day.
There comes a wave
of sadness and takes all my happiness away.
I see the leaves fly away dreary,
Even the breeze
doesn't give me any message.
No one thinking of me. No<one is thinking
She didn't abandon me out of her life.
I was just never present in it.
That's how my life ends like a dark shadow
Falling on the light of a sunny day.

Alphabetically that was what would have supposed to happen, right? was supposed
Being obsessively in love, the dangerous kind, which once is tasted will
haunt you forever, all-consuming and ends in tears and everlasting misery. ending

I passed over that part, rewriting my story with a happy end and a I skipped
life lesson to be learned: You don't need to be in love to be happy.
I'm not and surviving perfectly.

Written by Faisal Syed


Hi FS
I have written exactly one sonnet in my life and a few verses for songs I have written. What is wrong and what is right in a poem is very much a matter of opinion. I have "corrected" just a few expressions that caught my ear. Some other parts of your poem might have jarred in some other people's ears. It is often difficult to say what exactly the poet wants to say:
Like a bird on a wire
like a drunk in an old midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free...
Leonard Cohen, Bird On A Wire

Cheers
CB
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
thanks for the correcting, but do you think concerning the context
that it has something Anti in it, which is clearly visible!!???
hey. i know you dont know me but, im into poetry also... im trying to get mine out for the world to see... im a "used-to-be" cutter.. and i have mainly written bout that.. but i have written some ones on love and some that are like i hate you and i hope you die.. but yours was great.. it made me cry.. just thinking about my ex while i was reading it.. poems like this inspire me to be a better writer. keep writing.. i want to see more...
Oh really, thanks.... If you like to read more, give me your e-mail adress addy,.... so I'll add you and I'll send you more:)

F.S
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Anti-Love by – Faisal Syed

In the ocean of your eyes,
I'd have liked to drown voluntarily.
Every time I looked at you
I seemed to have drowned even deeper and deeper.
I might have ever reached the bottom of your heart?
I might...
When you looked into my eyes you saw
my ocean full of raspacious manic love for you...

Desolated streets, grayish sky
limitless silence and the unbearable agony
which reminds me of the abandoning fact
you were to be the light of my life
to which I wanted to give all my love.
Innocent tears of obsessive love, the dangerous kind
desired to that one look of you which
couldn't express: I love you

there falls a dark shadow
on the light of a sunny day.
There comes a wave
of sadness and takes all my happiness away.
I see the leaves fly away dreary,
Even the breeze
doesn't give me any message.
No one thinking of me.
She didn't abandon me out of her life.
I was just never present in it.
That's how my life ends like a dark shadow
falling on the light of a sunny day.

Alphabetically that was what would have supposed to happen, right?
Being obsessively in love, the dangerous kind, which once is tasted, will
haunt you forever, all-consuming and ends in tears and everlasting misery.


I passed over that part, rewriting my story with a happy end and a
life lesson to be learned: You don't need to be in love to be happy.
I'm not and surviving perfectly.


Great poem here are your corrections there weren't that many just a few misspelled words and punctuations