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Hello,

I'm trying to write Essays to improve my English level cause I want to study in the United Kingdom. But I always have some problems in grammar.

So I would like a kind English speaker correct the big mistakes in the grammar of my sentences (not the content). I'll be very grateful if you can help me Emotion: smile

Thanks a lot !

The topic is : "According to press articles, the US is a more masculine country than France. To what extent do you believe this is true ?"

Through History, we’ve seen that American people are proud and want to manage the world. Meanwhile, French people know how to live and they have a more collectivism mentality. According to several studies, the US is a more “masculine” country than France. We’re about to study if this is a reality or not.

First, we can compare educational values between these two countries.

American people are rather individualistic.

Each person must show his value to be recognized. The merit is more important than the link formed with others. Pupils and students have to be independent, self-confident and competitive. Competition is the key word there.

For instance, intercollegiate sporting events are promoted in American football and basketball. These competitions attract not only young people but all sport fans.

In France, people are rather collectivistic. Ties between people are privileged. It doesn’t matter if a person undergoes many failures, his family and his friends will always support him. Devotion in relationships is essential because people don’t want to be alone.

We’re used to partying several times by week, we enter in student associations to share our ideals with others and we think that is the victory of groups which is more important.

In a soccer games, one player goal is the equip goal. (but 1 joueur est le but de l’équipe)

According to Geert Hofstede, these points show that the US is a more masculine country than France. I think there is another aspect of this topic with the gender ideas.

One of those ideas is the power that is a more masculine idea. We have noticed that big is part of American culture, I think it can illustrate that idea.

Indeed, American cars are big like 4x4 or Espace, there are big burgers.

They use an amazing budget for their movies with many special effects. They often contain fights like Rambo, Terminator or Rocky. Each time, we have the feeling that American glory is bet and it’s always American people who win.

Then, American comics imply more heroes with superpowers and a nice physical appearance like Superman or Hulk.

On the contrary, French culture hires the small things. Products are adapted to family which is a more feminine idea.

French cars for young people are smaller like the Twingo, the Clio or the Smart. We’re used to taking a little break with a small cup of coffee.

In France, there are often humoristic or romantic movies. At the moment, “Bienvenue chez les ch’tis” is the best French humoristic movie of the year.

In France, we’re used to reading comics like “Astérix” or “Tintin” who are not really superheroes.

As we see through all these examples America owns more masculine ideas than France. We really see a gap between these two mentalities.

However, the feminine culture in France is limited.

We also have a competitive policy as we se through a job or college interview. The selection is tough, there are some oral or written exams and many people are refused.

The vision of soccer as a “sweet” sport is far from reality because many players are hurt during the games. There are French action movies like “Les rivières pourpres”, “Nikita”, “Leon” which compete with American super production.

In my opinion, the association between masculine culture with men who search success and feminine culture with women who look after their family is a stereotype. It tends to disappear today, women are more and more independent and they can be company’s boss or minister.

For instance, the French company CHANEL is lead by a woman.

To conclude, obviously the US is a more “masculine” culture than France. But in my view, there isn’t best culture because self-confident and relationships are essential to live.

And we can wonder if the promotion of power and success could not lead to abuse.

Sincerely,
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Hi,

My first reaction is that you have a huge number of tiny paragraphs, mostly just one or too sentences. To write an English-style essay, you need a smaller number of longer paragraphs. Each paragraph should introduce and discuss one of your main points.

I suggest that you revise your work and repost it for further comments.

Best wishes, Clive
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Hello,
Thanks for your quick answer !

I didn't realise my sentences were so short, I corrected them so I hope it is better now. I added numbers to empasis my main points.
Could you help me to correct my grammar ?

Through History, we’ve seen that American people are proud and want to manage the world. Meanwhile, French people know how to live and they have a more collectivism mentality. According to several studies, the US is a more “masculine” country than . We’re about to study if this is a reality or not.

1°/ First, we can compare educational values between these two countries.

The American people educational values are rather funded on individualism.

Each person must show his value to be recognized, the merit is more important than the link formed (relationship) with others. Pupils and students have to be independent, self-confident, their teacher assists them in work but they don’t give solutions. They also have to be competitive.

For instance, intercollegiate sporting events are promoted in American football and basketball. These competitions attract not only young people but all sport fans.

In , educational values are rather funded on collectivism.

The ties between people are privileged, it doesn’t matter if a person undergoes many failures his family and his friends will always support him. Devotion in relationships is essential because people don’t stand to be alone.

As students, we’re used to partying several times by week, we enter in student associations to share our ideals with others and we think that is the victory of groups which is the more important.

For example, in soccer games, one player goal is the equip goal. (but 1 joueur est le but de l’équipe)

According to Geert Hofstede (a press article writer), these points show that the US is a more masculine country than . I think we can reveal there is another aspect of this topic with gender ideas.

2°/ The power that is a more masculine idea can be illustrated by American will to possess big things.

Indeed, American cars are big like 4x4 or pick up, they like to eat big burgers.

They use an amazing budget for their movies with many special effects and they often contain fights like Rambo, Terminator or Rocky. Each time, we have the feeling that American glory is bet and it’s always American people who win.

Then, American comics imply heroes with a super strength and a nice physical appearance like Superman or Hulk.

On the contrary, French culture hires the small things and products are adapted to family which is a more feminine idea.

There are small French cars for young people the Twingo, the Clio or the Smart and we’re used to taking a little break with a small cup of coffee.

In , there are often humoristic or romantic movies like movie of the moment “Bienvenue chez les ch’tis” which is the best French humoristic movie of the year.

We’re also used to reading comics like “Astérix” or “Tintin” who are not really superheroes.

As we see through all these examples owns more masculine ideas than France and we really saw a gap between these two mentalities.

3°/ However, the feminine culture in is limited.

We also have a competitive policy as we se through a job or college interview. The selection is tough, there are some oral or written exams and many people are refused.

The vision of soccer as a “sweet” sport is far from reality because many players are hurt during the games.

Furthermore, there are French action movies like “Les rivières pourpres”, “Nikita” and “Leon” which compete with American super production.

In my opinion, the association between masculine culture with men who search for success and power, and feminine culture with women who look after their family is a stereotype. It tends to disappear today, women are more and more independent and they can be company’s bosses or minister.

For instance, the French company CHANEL is lead by a woman.

To conclude, obviously the US is a more “masculine” culture than . But in my view, there isn’t a best culture because self-confidence and relationships are essential to have a happy live.

We can wonder if the promotion of power and success could not lead to abuse.

Sincerely,
Hi,

I was talking about the lengths of the paragraphs. You have too many short paragraphs. Please try to combine them into longer ones in the way that I explained.

Best wishes again, Clive