I'm in the process of applying to graduate school (and apply for the scholarship too). They require me to write an essay about personal achievement/accomplishment that I've made.

I've tried to do it by myself. But, since I'm not a native speaker, I still need somebody to make sure that I write it right and deliver the message properly, concisely.

I will appreciate any help. Please let me know what I need to change in order to make it right. Please be brutally honest. And thank you very much in advance.
Since almost years ago, my cousin and I started an auto-repair business not far from our residence. Our motivation was very simple at that time: Helping unfortunate people around neighborhood and also utilize and empty land of our family.

Honestly, this is certainly not a big business. Started with 4 employees, at this time we already employ 7 permanent employees and 10 internships. Only 3 of them who were really have the expertise. While, the rest is just a “layman” who needs job and money. We took them from our neighborhood. There were also orphan and unskilled person. Some of them also drop-out of the school because of lacking money to pay the tuition. Some also came from broken home family who were abandoned by their parents who were no longer in existence.

Unavoidably, my cousin and I must supervise and teach them gradually in order our repair shop to survive. I brief them about the basic management and organization while my cousin teaches them the know-how and technical experience he has regarding the repair shop. Frankly speaking, this is not an easy job and very tiring because their level of knowledge and experience is not uniform. Moreover, we have to stick on time management because I also have to attend my college. At the beginning of my business, we frequently got frustrated and lost our spirit.

However, it was from this small business that I learned a lot about teaching. My father once said to me that teaching something valuable to other people will last forever and we will gain our return someday. We will obtain other knowledge which is probably more valuable than what we already given. And so on and so on. I my self truly realize that. When I teach Topic A, at second hand I also obtain new and deeper understanding about Topic B, C, and D.

And what makes me very happy is that many of our ex-employees who were finally being independent and start their own business. Some of them open special repair shop for motorcycle. There are also those who have specialties in paint and body repair. Some of them also become the distributor of oil and repair ship equipment. There are also those who were now famous for their audio shop. Not less than 20 persons of our ex-employees have now become independent and earn their own living (and their family). Some of them were now become our strategic business partner.

Thank God that at this time, our repair shop has been in auto-pilot mode. We already gain our BEP on the third year. There, our senior employees were gladly guiding their juniors. We were not too caring about our turnover level. Conversely, we always encourage our employees that someday they could finally start their own business. Even we only need to supervise our repair shop once in a month or two, if necessary.

If I am admitted in XYZ, I hope that I could found new friends who have similar spirit and interest as me – together establishing a social activity which is much focus with wider scale than my repair shop. Hopefully, someday we could make some positive difference for the world. Because for me, life is not about how far we could go, how high we could fly, how deep we could dive, but it is all about how big we could be useful for our environment.
1 2
Before you write please inform us about what kind of an essay it is supoosed to be.
DollBefore you write please inform us about what kind of an essay it is supoosed to be.
I don't understand what you're talking about. Don't you read my first paragraph above? I've given some information about what my essay supposed to be.
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
As one brutally honest, I must say there are types of essays. For example, descriptive essay, compare and contrast essay, illustrative essay etc.
Is it really that important? As far as I know, those type of essays seems to be no different each other. Emotion: smile

But if it must, I'll choose descriptive/illustrative essay.

Thanks
I like the ending a lot. I've fixed some things for you, but there are things you need to fix yourself.
ImanoffI'm in the process of applying to graduate school (and apply for the scholarship too). They require me to write an essay about personal achievement/accomplishment that I've made.
___ years ago, my cousin and I started an auto-repair business not far from our residence. Our motivation was very simple at that time: Helping unfortunate people __ __ neighborhood and also utilize and empty land of our family.(Don't know what you want to say. Is the land thing even relevant?)

Honestly, this is certainly not a big business. ____ (Who?) Started with 4 employees, and now we employ 7 permanent employees and 10 internships. Only 3 of them who were really have the expertise. While, the rest is just a “layman” who needs job and money. We took them from our neighborhood. There were also The rest __ __ __ orphan and unskilled person. Some of them also drop-out of the school because of lacking money to pay the tuition. Some also came from broken homes.

Unavoidably, my cousin and I must supervise and teach them gradually in order for our repair shop to survive. I brief them about the basic management and organization skills while my cousin teaches them the know-how and technical experience he has regarding the repair shop. Frankly speaking, this is not an easy job and very tiring because their level of knowledge and experience is very uneven. Moreover, we have to focus on time management because I also have to attend my college. At the beginning of my business, we frequently got frustrated and lost our spirit.

However, it was from this small business that I learned a lot about teaching. My father once said to me that teaching something valuable to other people will last forever and we will gain our return someday. We will obtain other knowledge which is probably more valuable than what we have already given. And so on and so on. I my self (look it up in the dictionary) truly realize that. When I teach Topic A, at second hand I also obtain new and deeper understanding about Topic B, C, and D. (Please clarify)

And what makes me very happy is that (Say something about this being your accomplishment) many of our ex-employees who were____ finally being independent and start their own business. Some of them open special repair shops for motorcycles. There are also those who have specialties in paint and body repair. Some of them also become the distributor of oil and repair ship equipment. There are also those who were (tense) now famous for their audio shop. Not less than 20 persons of our ex-employees have now become independent and earn their own living (and their family). Some of them were (tense) now become our strategic business partners.

Thank God that at this time, our repair shop has been in auto-pilot mode. We already gain our BEP (what is that?) on the third year. There, our senior employees were gladly guiding their juniors. We were not too caring about (Please rephrase) our turnover level. Conversely, we always encourage our employees that someday they could finally start their own business. Even we only need to supervise our repair shop once in a month or two, if necessary.

If I am admitted ___ XYZ, I hope that I could found new friends who have similar spirit and interest as me – together establishing a social activity which is much focus with wider scale than my repair shop. Hopefully, someday we could make some positive difference for the world. Because for me, life is not about how far we could go, how high we could fly, how deep we could dive, but it is all about how big we could be useful for our environment.
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Thanks a zillion, julielai. I really appreciate it. Muchas gracias!

Resolved!
Hi julie, BEP is the simplest used analytical tools in management, which is the point at which cost or expenses and income are equal -- there is no net loss or gain, one has "broken even".

Anyway, regarding essay writing, I'm still little bit confused about punctuation. For example, which is better between "didn't" or just let it "did not'?

Thanks before.
did not - at least in formal writing.
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Show more