Nowadays, people care about their appearance more than before. Do you agree or disagree?

In fact, nowadays economic is more wealthy as well as people are more sociable. Many ones just following a fashion movement that likes a socialization of fashion or lifestyle. While as someone wants to show their success, their class, and so on. Besides, our societies are more open-minded these days. This allows people can show easily their characteristic, their lifestyle, even their habits through the way they look like. In other words, I think people today focus on their appearance more than before.

Firstly, following the development of showbiz and broadcasting system, fashion movements are socialized widely and quickly. Young people who always like to be fashionable are almost influenced by their idols. For example, after watching a drama, someone has liked to be similar to a persona in this. So they try to wear or behave like that they saw in the drama. In addition, it is easy for them to do it these days, because young people get better income than generations before while as products such as clothes, goods and so on are rich and cheaper.

Secondary, with the development of economy, there are so many rich and famous people who would like to assert themselves. They always try to show how successful they are. By their appearance, their class would be valued. For example, whenever a famous person goes to a party or appears in a public place, she or he tries to be the number one in this event through their costume and the way they behave. Furthermore, their image is not only telling others who they are, it also support their success, even it is the way to be success.

Moreover, people today are more independent, they can be on their own ways they like without any criticism because our societies are more open-minded. Through their fashion style, they would like to show their hobbies, their life style, or maybe their characteristic.

On the whole, thought, people had many things changed, and they also have been influenced by these changes. Following the development of social life, people care about how their public image is than ever before.
Hi, it needs quite a lot of work. Be careful with the words you use to start off a thought, you are using a lot of these incorrectly. Another major problem seems to be the use of socialise/social - I don't think you understand this properly and there are some other odd word choices. Do you have a dictionary? I've corrected the first paragraph for you and highlighted the errors in the rest.

In fact - use this phrase when you are disagreeing with a previous point.

nowadays economic is more wealthy as well as people are more sociable. this doesn't make sense.

Many ones people (you can't use ones to mean people) just follow a fashion movement that (likes a socialization of fashion or lifestyle this doesn't make sense). While as someone People use fashion to show their success, their class, and so on. (Besides, besides is used to contradict a previous statement) our societies are more open-minded these days. This allows people to can show easily their characteristics, their lifestyle, and even their habits through the way they look. like. (In other words, use this phrase when you need to explain something complex you said previously) I think people today focus on their appearance more than before.

Firstly, following the development of showbiz and broadcasting system, fashion movements are socialized widely and quickly. Young people who always like to be fashionable are almost influenced by their idols. For example, after watching a drama, someone has liked to be similar to a persona in this. So they try to wear or behave like that they saw in the drama. In addition, it is easy for them to do it these days, because young people have a higher income than generations before while as products such as clothes, goods and so on are rich and cheaper.

Secondary, with the development of the economy, there are so many rich and famous people who would like to assert themselves. They always try to show how successful they are. By their appearance, their class would be valued. For example, whenever a famous person goes to a party or appears in a public place, she or he tries to be the number one in this event through their costume and the way they behave. Furthermore, their image is not only telling others who they are, it also support their success, even it is the way to be success.

Moreover, people today are more independent, they can be on their own ways they like without any criticism because our societies are more open-minded. Through their fashion style, they would like to show their hobbies, their life style, or maybe their characteristics. (this paragraph just repeats what you said earlier)

On the whole, thought, people had many things changed, and they also have been influenced by these changes. Following the development of social life, people care about how their public image more than ever before.
Thank you so much, nona the brit. Your critique is very helpful.