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Hi,
I was wondering if someone would be able to proof read my short essay that is due on Monday. Any help would be appreciated. I am pretty condifent about the words I have chosen, but I have a difficult time with punctuations. The requirements were 1 page summary essay with 3 sentences for the opening/closing and 2 body paragraphs. Thanks any help would be appreciated. Peace~

In “The Bridge Builder: Kathleen Boatwright,” Eric Marcus tells an illuminating story of one woman’s journey of self-discovery. Marcus introduces Boatwright as a Christian, social activist, mother and ***. Boatwright reveals that as an activist and through faith, she is able to educate Americans about homosexuality and the social injustices that accompany many gays and lesbians in America.
Boatwright had the All-American family in the eyes of her church and community. After four children and twenty years of marriage to a man, Boatwright found herself falling in love with a woman named Jean, whom she met at church. Boatwright was torn between her faith and her intimate feelings for Jean. Boatwright’s decision to declare herself a *** was not received well by her family, church or community. Boatwright has relied on her faith to speak out against the discrimination of homosexuals in America.
Boatwright’s decision to leave her marriage had its consequences. Her family and church disowned her and she paid the ultimate price by loosing parental custody of her children. Boatwright and Jean decided to move to Colorado. Colorado proved to be a good decision for Boatwright. She was able to find acceptance and support through a local Episcopal church. The church gave her the inner strength to become an activist for the homosexual community. Boatwright believes that she is a good spokesperson for the *** community because of her personal experiences. Boatwright’s courage and outspoken nature gives hope to all Americans who have been wrongfully judged because of their sexual orientation.
Boatwright’s passion for truth and reconciliation in her life is an inspiration to homosexuals in America. Boatwright has first hand experiences regarding the discriminations against homosexuals in America. Boatwright feels that tolerance and understanding is the key in building bridges between the gender issues that divide America.
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I would have used a comma before the final "and" or "or" in a series, like this:
mother, and ***
church, or community

You need "losing parental custody" -- one "o" in "losing".

I think you need a more parallel structure than "as an activist and through faith", maybe "through faith and activism" or "through activism and faith".

The choice of "accompany" in "... injustices that accompany many gays ..." is not really satisfactory. I'm not sure that injustices can "accompany" people -- maybe "face", "confront", "are experienced by", something like that?

I would have used "discrimination" rather than "discriminations".

"the key in building bridges" should be "the key to building bridges". (We say "the key to the locker", right? -- not "the key in the locker"!) But, on the other hand, you may want to reconsider whether you really want to say what you said in the final sentence. How is your reader going to interpret "building bridges between the gender issues"? In what sense is there a bridge between one gender issue and another gender issue? I can't be sure, but I think you intend to say something a little different from what you actually wrote.

You may want to consider using "Boatwright" less often or at least using it in a greater variety of positions within the sentences. It is the first word in a large number of the sentences in the essay. Likewise, the word "Colorado" comes up too close to another "Colorado", and the same happens with "church" in another passage.

Related to that, you could provide the reader with a little more interest if you were to use a greater variety of sentence structures. For example, you might use a few more subordinate clauses with "although", "since", "because", and so on. Varying the length of the sentences might also help. And your reader would be swept along through the essay more smoothly, I think, if you used just a little sprinkling of some connective expressions to relate sentences to one another -- like "yet", "still", "nevertheless", "also", "further", "even so", and so on -- but you don't want to overdo it, and you'll need to think of what will work best with the meanings of the sentences.

Writing is extremely difficult; you've done a great job, and my suggestions are mostly to do with polishing what you have so far. I hope they will help.

Emotion: smile
Comments  
Thank you very much. Your suggestions will make my essay better. I think this site is wonderful and I appreciate your quick response. Thanks & Peace