Dear IELTS examiner, could you help me to correct my essay and give me furthur advice? I would be grateful for your help.
IELTS Writing task 2: In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

It is an alarming fact that adolescents are more likely to carry out unlawful acts. The growth of this trend can be attributed to a number of reasons, and I suppose that the government should impose punishments for juvenile criminals based on the severity of their offense.

There are two main reasons accounting for the increasing crime rate of teenagers. One of the culprits, from my perspective, stems from a dysfunctional family. Children growing up in such families are likely to suffer from mental problems which are the root of future illicit behaviors. Domestic violence, for example, can result in cognitive distortions, leading to children being obsessed with violence and tending to imitate these behaviors when they reach adulthood. Another factor to blame is the Internet being rife with uncensored contents. Once these harmful contents entrench in the subconscious mind, children without general awareness will consider them normal and will emulate them in the real world.

I believe that punishments that juvenile perpetrators have to receive should depend on the nature and seriousness of the crime. In specific, people commiting to misdemeanors such as pickpocketing and vandalism should be sent to reform schools where they are taught to tell right from wrong. This punishment seems to be appropriate because it is possible to influence these adolescents’ awareness and change their line of thought, thereby, helping them to reintegrate into the society. On the other hand, it is imperative that authorities make an example of criminals committing felonies. Murderers and drug dealers, for instance, should be sentenced to either carceration or death penalty to gurantee social security. In addition, strict punishments can act as a deterrence that prevents children in the puberty period from taking an illegal path.

In conclusion, there are underlying factors behind the unexpected increase in the rate of young offenders, and those lawbreakers are necessarily forced to serve punishments according to the severity of their crime.

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