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XXX, XX November 2010
For the attention of XXX Program Director
Prof. XXX, MD

Dear Prof. XXX,
the decision to join the XXX Program comes from one main motivation: the desire to have a high profile research experience which represents for me a challenge and an opportunity to deepen and develop further my knowledge about the XXX research area and, more specifically, XXX.
As Double Degree student of XXX at the XXX University and XXX University, I had way of obtaining a strong background about the XXX with specific reference to XXX even if I'm aware of the necessity to continue my studies in order to enrich further my skills and broaden my knowledge. Furthermore, having already had the opportunity to start a research experience in a suitable and stimulating atmosphere as the Laboratory of XXX of the Institute XXX of CITY, I was as first surprised and then involved in the enthusiasm that animates the researchers in their work despite the challenges and problems they have to face in everyday lab life.
So, I think that the XXX Program would be a crucial stage in the formation of my scientific career and therefore I hope to take advantage of this enhanced multidisciplinary training to having the chance to do my Master's Thesis Research, which concerns the XXX, as well as possible. This choice does not stem only from a deep interest about XXX but also from the ambition to follow my own research interests and meet the current needs of the labor market that is asking for more and more competent profiles.
I am well aware of the heavy commitment that is required by the XXX Program and at the same time I am sure I can succeed in it driven by my motivation, enthusiasm, dedication and sense of responsibility that I always apply to realize what I want.
For all these reasons, I have enclosed all required documents, which further details my qualifications and accomplishments. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Yours sincerely,
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Comments  
I have underlined some problem areas. All of your 'XXX's makes it impossible to check the grammar in their vicinity:

XXX, XX November 2010
For the attention of XXX Program Director
Prof. XXX, MD

Dear Prof. XXX,

the decision to join the XXX Program comes from one main motivation: the desire to have a high profile research experience which represents for me a challenge and an opportunity to deepen and develop further my knowledge about the XXX research area and, more specifically, XXX.
As Double Degree student of XXX at the XXX University and XXX University, I had way of obtaining a strong background about the XXX with specific reference to XXX even if I'm aware of the necessity to continue my studies in order to enrich further my skills and broaden my knowledge. Furthermore, having already had the opportunity to start a research experience in a suitable and stimulating atmosphere as the Laboratory of XXX of the Institute XXX of CITY, I was as first surprised and then involved in the enthusiasm that animates the researchers in their work despite the challenges and problems they have to face in everyday lab life.

So, I think that the XXX Program would be a crucial stage in the formation of my scientific career and therefore I hope to take advantage of this enhanced multidisciplinary training to having the chance to do my Master's Thesis Research, which concerns the XXX, as well as possible. This choice does not stem only from a deep interest about XXX but also from the ambition to follow my own research interests and meet the current needs of the labor market that is asking for more and more competent profiles.

I am well aware of the heavy commitment that is required by the XXX Program and at the same time I am sure I can succeed in it driven by my motivation, enthusiasm, dedication and sense of responsibility that I always apply to realize what I want.

For all these reasons, I have enclosed all required documents, which further details my qualifications and accomplishments.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,

Your letter is so full of overblown hack phrases that I will be surprised if Dr XXX is able to finish reading it.
Thank you for your reply. In any case, do you want to say the letter is too pompous? Are there redundant concepts? I don't know... but this motivation letter should dimostare my sincere motivation in order to win a scholarship really (really) great...
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I'm sure that your intentions are pure, but the phrasing remains overblown. I suggest that you repair the underlined portions first and re-post, and then we will look at other problems.
In any case, I replaced all XXXs with FICTITIOUS something.

New York, 07 November 2010
For the attention of STAR Program Director
Prof. Brown, MD

Dear Prof. Brown,

the decision to join the STAR Program comes from one main motivation: the desire to have a high profile research experience which represents for me a challenge and an opportunity to deepen and develop further my knowledge about the musculoskeletal research area and, more specifically, knee surgery.
As Double Degree student of biomedical engineering at the New York University and École polytechnique fédérale de Lausanne, I had way of obtaining a strong background about the biomedical engineering with specific reference to biomechanics even if I'm aware of the necessity to continue my studies in order to enrich further my skills and broaden my knowledge. Furthermore, having already had the opportunity to start a research experience in a suitable and stimulating atmosphere as the Laboratory of Knee Surgery of the "Kmee Research Institute" of Lausanne, I was as first surprised and then involved in the enthusiasm that animates the researchers in their work despite the challenges and problems they have to face in everyday lab life.

So, I think that the STAR Program would be a crucial stage in the formation of my scientific career and therefore I hope to take advantage of this enhanced multidisciplinary training to having the chance to do my Master's Thesis Research, which concerns the "Development of the menisci of the human knee joint", as well as possible. This choice does not stem only from a deep interest about biomechanics but also from the ambition to follow my own research interests and meet the current needs of the labor market that is asking for more and more competent profiles.

I am well aware of the heavy commitment that is required by the STAR Program and at the same time I am sure I can succeed in it driven by my motivation, enthusiasm, dedication and sense of responsibility that I always apply to realize what I want.

For all these reasons, I have enclosed all required documents, which further details my qualifications and accomplishments.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,
New York, 07 November 2010
For the attention of STAR Program Director
Prof. Brown, MD

That is why I said you should not simply use 'XXX'. The format for the date and recipient address is completely wrong.

Date

Name & title
Street address
City, state, zip code

Furthermore, you have corrected none of the problems that I previously underlined.
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Thank you for your corrections but I have not yet understood what I should correct referring to underlined parts, the style or grammatical errors?
That is what you must decide.
Sorry.

7th November, 2010
Prof. Brown, STAR Program Director

Dear Prof. Brown,

My decision to join the STAR Program comes from one main motivation: the desire to have a high profile research experience that would challenge me, and an opportunity to deepen and develop further my knowledge about the musculoskeletal research area and more specifically knee surgery.
As a Double Degree student at the New York University and École polytechnique fédérale de Lausanne, I have obtained a strong background in biomedical engineering with specific reference to bio-mechanics, although I am aware of the necessity to continue my studies in order to enrich further my skills and broaden my knowledge. Furthermore, having already had the opportunity to start a research experience in the stimulating atmosphere of the Laboratory of Knee Surgery at the "Kmee Research Institute" of Lausanne, I was at first surprised and then involved in the enthusiasm that animates the researchers in their work despite the challenges and problems they have to face in everyday lab life.

So, I think that the STAR Program would be a crucial stage in the formation of my scientific career and therefore hope to take advantage of this enhanced multidisciplinary training to provide the chance to do my Master's Thesis Research, which concerns the "Development of the menisci of the human knee joint", as well as possible. This choice stems not only from a deep interest about bio-mechanics but also from the ambition to follow my own research interests and meet the current needs of the labor market that is asking for more and more competent profiles.

I am well aware of the heavy commitment that is required by the STAR Program and at the same time I am sure I can succeed in it driven by my motivation, enthusiasm, dedication and sense of responsibility that I always apply to achieve my goals.

For all these reasons, I have enclosed all the required documents, with further details of my qualifications and accomplishments.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,
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