Could someone check out my covering letter and say if it was ok? I have already sent it to the University, just a small feedback would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

Savvy

___________________________________________________________________

( my address )

(address of the University I applied to)

Aug. 18, 05

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply as a Transfer Undergraduate in Cell Biology/Neuroscience in your esteemed University.I have completed a three year Bachelor degree (Biochemistry) in with distinction anda GPA of 3.82.

In my three years of Biochemistry, my most exciting periods were during the Anatomy & Physiology sessions where I thoroughly enjoyed discovering the complex yet perfectly engineered system of the brain. Additionally, I secured 85/100 in the University examination for Cell biology. After completing my Bachelors course, I continued working in our family business whereby I constantly interacted with our employees on their health & psychological issues. The combination of my courses in Biochemistry along with consultation kindled my interest in pursuing something that would combine the two- Cell Biology/Neuroscience.

I decided to choose because American Universities impart unparalleled opportunity

to transgress the tenets of science & help students scale new heights.

I browsed extensively through several Universities and found your University has a milieu replete with strong & versatile academic programs in the field of Neuroscience, the environment which would give me unbridled freedom to explore new ventures in the interesting field of Neuroscience.

At this juncture, I assure you Sir that you will find a dedicated, hard-working and capable individual in me. I am confident that your institution will be able to satiate my thirst in this eminent field.

Please find my Curriculum Vitae enclosed herewith for your reference.

I eagerly look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly,

(my name)
Savvy,

Let me give you my humble (for a change) feedback on your résumé. Your english is far better than mine so don't take everything I say for granted and trustworthy (but you do already know this, don't you ?).

'In my three years of Biochemistry, my most exciting periods...' : too many 'my' in my (?) opinion here. You don't want to sound like it's all about you, 'cause it's also about what you can bring to 'them'. I would have simply said 'the most exciting'. Also I would have used something less neutral than 'period'. Maybe 'the most exiciting experiences' ?

'I secured 85/100' : I'm not sure but don't you mean to say 'to score' instead of 'to secure' here ?

'The combination of my courses...... that would combine the two' : you may want to avoid using 'combine' twice in the same sentence. You could say 'unite Cell biology and Neuroscience.
'... in pursuing something...' : they don't want to hear that what they have to offer you is just 'something' so you may want to say 'pursuing with a curriculum' or 'pursuing a curriculum' not sure which one is best.

'...impart unparalleled opportunity to transgress the tenets...'. Missing article before 'opportunity' or missing plural for 'opportunity, you decide. Also 'transgress' is a bit strong and make it sound like you're going to be a trouble-maker to them. I would think 'to challenge' is more appropriate maybe ?
Refrain from using '&' instead of 'and', I believe this is not proper written language.

'I browsed extensively thru several Universities'. Just a minor remark here. You would browse thru their websites maybe. But as far as the universities themselves, I think you would 'survey' them.

'... to explore new ventures in...' : I would have simply said '... to venture in...'

'At this juncture...' : I'm not sure this brings in any additional meaning to the whole sentence. I would simply drop it. Unless you want to express this is a critical point in time in your carreer or something around those lines ?

'Please find my Curriculum Vitae' : you probably know this but just in case... Americans would usually say 'a résumé' (eh oui avec les accents) whereas Britons would use 'Curriculum Vitae'. I think everybody understands 'curriculum vitae' though...

Voilà... That's pretty much all I had to say. Hopefully you'll get some authorized pieces of advice from a native speaker...
Thank you very much for your inputs Waiti.Americans do understand what's a CV though.

I'm very happy today because I just learnt I have been admitted to the above University which was my dream university!! Woohooo[<:o)]

However I hope an American or someone who's used to American English also reviews my essay and rates it. Thank you for your suggestions/comments.

Savvy
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Congratulations to you Savvy !!! I think I will speak for the whole englishforum.com clan when I say that we're all very proud of your achievements
Is this admission for next year or this year ? I would think it's quite late for this year ? Or maybe it only starts next semester ?
Somehow I feel sad though 'coz it means very soon you won't have time left to chat with us...
Emotion: cake Well done Savvy.
Sooooooo Nona has just agreed to bring a cake (and custard of course)... I can take care of the Champomy (non alcoholic champagne-like cider)... We can invite 3P over (and his posse) since he appears to be professional entertainer... What/who else have I missed ?
Now we should agree on a venue...
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Thank you very much NonaEmotion: embarrassed