Could you please correct my letter? Thank you in advance!!

Dear Sirs,

I’m writing you this letter in order to complain about the new commercial campaign your company has been advertising on television, so far.

It is common knowledge that afternoon programmes are meant for six to eleven year old children, thus, content, language and subliminal messages are strictly controlled. Likewise advertisements must be appropriate to the category of customers they are trying to persuade. Being unable to understand the commercial message they are sent, children are easy to manipulate. As a matter of fact, commercials are to be thoroughly realised, avoiding suggesting to children any sort of wrong behaviour.

Your new advertisement shows a group of young teenagers punching and fighting each other to get the latest version of remote control toy car. Such a commercial conveys but violence and bullism.

In my opinion the advert suggests that violence and fighting are the keys for fulfilling their dreams and aspirations. This is basically wrong and counter social: it contradicts form the common hardworking-reward system and any principle parents may try to give their children.

Moreover, not only are the youngsters induced to obtain what they desire thorough arrogance, but they are also pushed to dominate their peers. Willing to stand out form the group, the child feels the need of imposing his strength and power on the others. It is highly evident form your commercial that the only one managing to succeed in the fight will be admired and respected lastingly. I think that by no means should these values reach the young audience.

Would you please stop broadcasting this advertisement and replace it with a new one more appropriate to the viewers.

I sincerely hope my views would be taken into account.

I am looking forward to hearing form you.

Yours faithfully,



XYZ

First paragraph, end after "television".

Second paragraph: instead of "thus", how about saying "and therefore". I would omit "Being unable to understand.....are sent" and change the final sentence. "Children are easy to manipulate. Commercials aimed at them should avoid any suggestion of violence or bad behaviour".

Third paragraph, second sentence "Such a commercial conveys violence and bullying as acceptable behaviour".

Fourth paragraph, second sentence - anti-social; delete "form"[from]; "principles"

Fifth paragraph thorough arrogance > through aggression; the need of imposing his strength> he must use his strength; respected lastingly> respected.

NB I presume you have spell-checked this - "from" is incorrectly "form" throughout.
Hi Feebs11, thank you very much for your prompt reply and for having improved my letter!!

And...yes, I misspelled "from". Does the word "bullism" exist? Is it better to use "bullying"?

Cheers
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Have never met the word. There is a word "bullish", but that means being self-assertive [in a positive way] or it can be a tecnhical term relating to rising stocks on the Stock Exchange.

I am interpreting it as "bullying" as that makes sense within the context. Bullying is the act of intimidating someone smaller than yourself through physical fear.
Yep, right. That's what I ment^^

Thanks