Hi,

I am waiting for your comments on my definition essay.

My audience: 9-12 years old children. (Did I accomodate the audience, and succesfully address them?) Because English is not my native language, it was hard for me to choose the
correct words for children (child language), and addressing them.

Are there passages where you get lost? Any serious grammatical mistakes? Any suggestion for improvement?

My mistakes from my previous essays; my problem is simply that until the very end my focus is unclear. I couldn't focus my essay around my thesis, by stressing relevant passages... Please eveluate my paper about this.

Thanks while looking forward to hearing from you,
hadeka

THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

Who are the most powerful people of the world? My fellows from my play group gave me many different answers. What are your answers?

Do you think the most powerful persons of the world are: moms and dads? The President? Strong peoples with huge muscles, hefty athletes, or muscular boxers? Kings, princes, and princesses which are richly dressed in ornamented clothing, and have servants? Businessmen that have a lot of money? Friendly teachers with their endless knowledge and smiling faces?

I tried to guess your answers. Because, those are also my fellows answers. Most of us have an idea of power that is connected with control or strength, and certainly money. My fellows also think power is in adulthood, in addition to money and strength. But I don’t think the power in money, or strenght or adulthood.

If power is in strenght, think of that: To most of us, a lion is a powerful animal that in most of the stories plays a role of king of the jungle. But, lions stay away from and fear elephants. Maybe it's because elephants are around thirteen times heavier and goodness known how much stronger than male lions! So, who do you think the most powerful animals of the jungle? Elephants? But, Elephants stay away from and fear spitting cobras. Altough spitting cobra cannot harm the elephant anyway. Because their poison is in their spit, but elephants’ skin is very thick; so this poison cannot affect elephants. Elephants fear spitting cobras because cobras don’t fear elephants. They are brave and fearless. Elephants don’t have any authority over cobras. So, elephants fear them. Power is not in strnght, but is in bravery.

Power in not money. Money is temporary; you can make it and lose it. If power is related with money, when we lost our money, we must be lost our power. But if we can make money once, we can make it again. If we have self-assurance, intelligence, and ability to perform effectively, we have the power for making money again.

Power is ability of having great influence or control over others. And, it is in bravery, frankness, honesty, and having big dreams. If you have big dreams, and believe in yourself; you can do everything you dreamed of.

I have a different opponion about the most powerful people. Now, it is your turn! Guess my answer? Ok, I will help you;)

Moms and dads are struggling for provide you a excellent future. They support, protect, and care for you. When you are ill, they spent sleepless night just beside of you. To most people, approaching the President is nearly impossible. But they show interest to you, especially youngers; they don’t say anything even tear their hairs. Every time, they develop projects for providing you a good education. Teachers use their knowledge for helping you on your life plan. Bussinessmen use their money for building new schools. All of them treat you more tolerant, even the laws. All people around you, your family, relatives, teachers, politicians, struggle for providing you a peaceful, wealthy and excellent life. I bet you guessed my answer.

The most powerfull peoples are children. They have the power of convince. Children have great influence and control over adults, and world because of their bravery, frankness, and honesty. With this power, you can change a difficult situation into an opportunity to do something good, and be admired for it. Please aware of your power, and opportunities that it provides you, and make use of it in the way of being a virtuous person for yourself, your family, your country, and the world!
1 2 3 4
so bad Emotion: sad

or, are you tired of helping naives like me?

Please,,, I need your help!!!

hadeka
Hello Hadeka

Sometimes it takes a little time to work through all the posts. We haven't forgotten you!

I have one or two other things to do first, but will return as soon as I can.

MrP
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Thank you MrP for your response.

I will wait your suggestions. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Sincerely,
hadeka
Hi MrP,

This is the last version of my essay...

***

THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

Who are the most powerful people of the world? My fellows from my playgroup gave me many different answers. What are your answers?

Do you think the most powerful persons of the world are moms and dads? The President? Strong peoples with huge muscles, hefty athletes, or muscular boxers? Kings, princes, and princesses which are richly dressed in ornamented clothing, and have servants? Businessmen that have a lot of money? Friendly teachers with their endless knowledge and smiling faces?

I tried to guess your answers. Because, those are also my fellows answers. Most of us have an idea of power that is connected with control or strength, and certainly money. My fellows also think power is in adulthood, in addition to money and strength. But I don’t think the power is in money, strenght, or adulthood.

Power is ability of having great influence or control over others, and ability to protect yourself from badness, and also protecting yourself from making bad things. Also, power is ability to don’t compromise your principles and morals. If you have an authority over yourself, if you can live without compromise your principles, you already have an authority over others. Power is in bravery, frankness, honesty, and having big dreams. If you have big dreams, and believe in yourself; you can do everything you dreamed of. A hint: we don’t name “powerful” to people which have an authority and control over others just by means of their strenght and money. We usually define them as oppressors.

If power is in strenght, think of that: To most of us, a lion is a powerful animal that in most of the stories, plays a role of king of the jungle. But, lions stay away from, and fear elephants. Maybe it's because elephants are around thirteen times heavier and much stronger than male lions! So, who do you think the most powerful animals of the jungle? Elephants? But, Elephants stay away from and fear spitting cobras. Altough spitting cobra cannot harm the elephant anyway. Because their poison is in their spit, but elephants’ skin is very thick; so this poison cannot affect elephants. Elephants fear spitting cobras, because cobras don’t fear elephants. They are brave and fearless. Elephants don’t have any authority over cobras. So, elephants fear them. Power is not in strenght, but is in bravery.

Power is in not money. Money is temporary; you can make it and lose it. If power is related with money, when we lost our money, we must lost our power. But, if we can make money once, we can make it again. If we have self-assurance, intelligence, and ability to perform effectively, we have the power for making money again.

I have a different opinion about the most powerful people. Now, it is your turn! Guess my answer? Ok, I will help you;)

Moms and dads are struggling for provide you a excellent future. They support, protect, and care for you. When you are ill, they spent sleepless night just beside of you. To most people, approaching the President is nearly impossible. But they show interest to you; they don’t say anything even you tear their hairs, especially youngers? Every time, they develop projects for providing you a good education. Teachers use their knowledge for helping you on your life plan. Bussinessmen use their money for building new schools for children. All of them treat you more tolerant, even the laws. All people around you, your family, relatives, teachers, politicians, struggle for providing you a peaceful, wealthy and excellent life. I bet you guessed my answer.

The most powerful peoples of the world are children. You have the power of convince. You have great influence and control over adults, and world, because of your bravery, frankness, and honesty. With this power, you can change a difficult situation into an opportunity to do something good, and be admired for it.

Power is valuable and useful, when it is used for possitive purposes. Please aware of your power, and opportunities that it provides you; and make use of it in the way of being a virtuous person for yourself, your family, your country, and the world!

END
Hi MrP,

This is the last version of my essay...

THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

Who are the most powerful people of the world? My fellows from my playgroup gave me many different answers. What are your answers?

Do you think the most powerful persons of the world are moms and dads? The President? Strong peoples with huge muscles, hefty athletes, or muscular boxers? Kings, princes, and princesses which are richly dressed in ornamented clothing, and have servants? Businessmen that have a lot of money? Friendly teachers with their endless knowledge and smiling faces?

I tried to guess your answers. Because, those are also my fellows answers. Most of us have an idea of power that is connected with control or strength, and certainly money. My fellows also think power is in adulthood, in addition to money and strength. But I don’t think the power is in money, strenght, or adulthood.

Power is ability of having great influence or control over others, and ability to protect yourself from badness, and also protecting yourself from making bad things. Also, power is ability to don’t compromise your principles and morals. If you have an authority over yourself, if you can live without compromise your principles, you already have an authority over others. Power is in bravery, frankness, honesty, and having big dreams. If you have big dreams, and believe in yourself; you can do everything you dreamed of. A hint: we don’t name “powerful” to people which have an authority and control over others just by means of their strenght and money. We usually define them as oppressors.

If power is in strenght, think of that: To most of us, a lion is a powerful animal that in most of the stories, plays a role of king of the jungle. But, lions stay away from, and fear elephants. Maybe it's because elephants are around thirteen times heavier and much stronger than male lions! So, who do you think the most powerful animals of the jungle? Elephants? But, Elephants stay away from and fear spitting cobras. Altough spitting cobra cannot harm the elephant anyway. Because their poison is in their spit, but elephants’ skin is very thick; so this poison cannot affect elephants. Elephants fear spitting cobras, because cobras don’t fear elephants. They are brave and fearless. Elephants don’t have any authority over cobras. So, elephants fear them. Power is not in strenght, but is in bravery.

Power is in not money. Money is temporary; you can make it and lose it. If power is related with money, when we lost our money, we must lost our power. But, if we can make money once, we can make it again. If we have self-assurance, intelligence, and ability to perform effectively, we have the power for making money again.

I have a different opinion about the most powerful people. Now, it is your turn! Guess my answer? Ok, I will help you;)

Moms and dads are struggling for provide you a excellent future. They support, protect, and care for you. When you are ill, they spent sleepless night just beside of you. To most people, approaching the President is nearly impossible. But they show interest to you; they don’t say anything even you tear their hairs, especially youngers? Every time, they develop projects for providing you a good education. Teachers use their knowledge for helping you on your life plan. Bussinessmen use their money for building new schools for children. All of them treat you more tolerant, even the laws. All people around you, your family, relatives, teachers, politicians, struggle for providing you a peaceful, wealthy and excellent life. I bet you guessed my answer.

The most powerful peoples of the world are children. You have the power of convince. You have great influence and control over adults, and world, because of your bravery, frankness, and honesty. With this power, you can change a difficult situation into an opportunity to do something good, and be admired for it.

Power is valuable and useful, when it is used for possitive purposes. Please aware of your power, and opportunities that it provides you; and make use of it in the way of being a virtuous person for yourself, your family, your country, and the world!
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Hello Hadeka

I think it's good. It needs a little work, though, here and there. First, the punctuation and grammar. I'll list the words and phrases that you need to review:

persons of the world
Kings, princes, and princesses which are
my fellows answers
I don’t think the power is in money
Power is ability
from making bad things
ability to don’t compromise
If you have an authority
without compromise your principles
we don’t name “powerful” to people
strenght
plays a role of king
power is related with money
struggling for provide you a excellent future
they spent sleepless night just beside of you
even you tear their hairs
especially youngers
Bussinessmen
treat you more tolerant
struggle for providing you
The most powerful peoples of the world
the power of convince
control over adults, and world
possitive purposes
power, and opportunities
make use of it in the way of being

See if you can find out where these are wrong, and post the answers here - then I'll check them.

MrP
Hi MrP,

My answers:

person of the world
Kings, princes, and princesses, which are
my fellows' answers
I don’t think power is in money
Power is an ability
from making bad things---?from harming others?
ability to not! compromise---? (I couldn't find any word for this. My vocabulary and Turkish-English dictionary is insufficient)
If you have authority
without compromise from your principles
we don’t name “powerful” to people ---it is a point that I can't make anything. Should I use "call" instead of "name"?
strenght (I think, you rewrite it in here. It is misspelled in the essay)
plays role of king /plays king role?
power is related with money -- if we relate power with money?
struggling for providing you an excellent future
they spent sleepless nights just beside of you
even you tear their hair
especially youngers of us?
Businessmen (should it be "businessman"? I'm not sure.)
treat you tolerant
struggle for providing to? you
The most powerful people of the world
power of convince
control over adults, and (over or also?)the world
positive purpose
power, and its opportunities
make use of it in the way of being---? use it for being

Spelling mistakes resulted from my inattention. I awared of my mistakes about phrases, but I couldn't find correct/appropriate words, or phrases. (Becouse of my weak vocabulary)

Thank you for your time. (Time is one of the most valuable things in our lives. Are you an angel that has sent to help people when they need it[F])

Sincerely,
hadeka
Hello Hadeka, thank you for the flower!

A few answers were not quite right, so I've put corrections below. But you're doing very well – especially as you only have a small dictionary – so don't worry! Your text was very clear in meaning, which is the important thing.

If you change your text and re-post it, I'll look in next time I'm online.

By the way, let me know if any of the corrections are puzzling or need explanations.

See you
MrP



1. person of the world > people in the world

2. Kings, princes, and princesses, which are > ...who are

3. my fellows' answers - correct!

4. I don’t think power is in money > ...lies in money

5. Power is an ability - I'm not sure 'ability' is the right word here, Hadeka: can you think of another one?

6.from making bad things--- > from doing bad things

7. ability to not! compromise---? I'm not sure either! Maybe you could say 'power means you don't have to compromise...'

8. If you have authority - correct!

9. without compromise from your principles > without compromising

10. we don’t name “powerful” to people --- yes, best to use 'call': 'we don’t call people powerful if they only have authority and control over others just because of their strength and money...'

11. strenght > that's right: > strength

12. plays role of king > plays the role of

13. power is related with money > ...is related to money

14. struggling for providing you an excellent future > to provide you

15. they spent sleepless nights just beside of you > they spend sleepless nights beside you

16. even you tear their hair - correct!

17. especially youngers of us? > especially when you're very young (I think this is what you mean, but correct me if I'm wrong!)

18. Businessmen (should it be "businessman"? I'm not sure.) - not quite: 'businessmen'

19. treat you tolerant > more tolerantly

20. struggle for providing to? > struggle to provide you with

21. The most powerful people of the world - not quite: ...in the world

22. power of convince - I think you mean 'the ability to convince'

23. control over adults and the world - that's right!

24. positive purpose > positive purposes (it was just a typo in the original!)

25. power, and its opportunities > the opportunities

26. make use of it in the way of being---? use it for being - not quite: use it to be

Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Show more