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Please correct any mistakes in the story. If any of the sentences can be better phrased, please amend them. I would appreciate any suggestions to improve the story. Thanks for your help.

One day, a boy and his sister, who are from a rich family, were walking in the park when they saw a thin and frail elderly man. He was wearing tattered and torn clothes. He was sleeping under a tree. His old and dirty shoes were beside him.

The children were sad at seeing such a poor man. They decided to help him by giving him some money. So they put twenty dollars in one of his shoes. They knew that he would be happy when he saw the money.

As they wanted to make sure that no one took his money, they sat on a nearby bench. They also wanted to find out how the man would react when he saw the money.

About half an hour later, he woke up. When he got up to put on his shoes, he was surprised to see the money in his left shoe. He wondered who had given him the money. He was very happy because he could use the money to buy some food for himself. He had not had his breakfast yet. After putting on his shoes, he stood up and walked away. The children followed him as they wanted to find out where he would go. The man went to the nearly food centre to have his breakfast. When the food was served, the man ate quickly. He must have been very hungry, the children thought.

The children were happy that they had done a good deed. When they reached home, they told their mother what they had done. She was glad that her children were kind-hearted. She told them, “I’m proud of both of you. Instead of using all your money to buy things for yourselves, you’ve used some of your money to help a poor man.” Ivy said, “Mum, he looks so weak and poor. We felt sorry for him. That’s why we decided to give him some money.” Jack said, “Mum, if you were there, I think you would have done the same thing.” Their mother smiled.





















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I have given it a quick shufty and:

One day, a boy and his sister, who are from a rich family, were walking in the park when they saw a thin and frail elderly man. He was wearing tattered and torn clothes.

He looked very down at heel -- or shabby

He was in the land of nod lying under a tree. His old and dirty shoes were beside him.

The children were sad (at) seeing such a poor man. They decided to help him by giving him some money. So they put twenty dollars in one of his shoes. They knew that he would be happy when he saw the money.

As they wanted to make sure that no one took his money, they sat on a nearby bench. They also wanted to find out how the man would react when he saw the money.

About half an hour later, he woke up. When he got up to put on his shoes, he was surprised to see the money in his left shoe. He wondered who had given him the money. He was very happy because he could use the money to buy some food for himself. He had not had his breakfast yet. After putting on his shoes, he stood up and walked away. The children followed him as they wanted to find out where he would go. The man went to the nearly food store to have his breakfast. When the food was served, the man gobbled it up. He must have been very hungry, the children thought.

The children were happy that they had done a good deed. When they reached home, they told their mother what they had done. She was glad that her children were so cheritable. She told them, “I’m proud of both of you. Instead of using all your money to buy things for yourselves, you’ve used some of your money to help a poor man”. Ivy said, “Mum, he looks so weak and poor. We felt pity for him. That’s why we decided to give him some money.” Jack said, “Mum, if you were there, I think you would have done the same thing.” Their mother smiled.

Enjoyable anecdote or allegory.

There are too much repetition of words, which you should steer clear of.

















Incho

I appreciate very much your corrections and comments.

He looked very down at heel -- or shabby ( Just to make sure. Do you mean I can choose between 'at heel' and 'shabby'? )

He was in the land of nod lying under a tree. ( I've learnt a new expression. Thanks.)

I hope you do not mind if I let you know that it should be charitable, not cheritable.

There are ( should be is, if I'm not mistaken ) too much repetition of words, which you should steer clear of.

There are too much repetition of words, which you should steer clear of. (Thanks for this observation. Could you highlight which words are often repeated? Thanks.
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There are too many repetitions or too much repetition -- I should be more careful.

He looked very down at heel -- or shabby ( Just to make sure. Do you mean I can choose between 'at heel' and 'shabby'? )

yes.

"I hope you do not mind if I let you know that it should be charitable, not cheritable."

Thanks. It was a typo.

Too many personal pronouns.

Seemingly, you are cautiously attentive to trying to avoid touching a raw nerve.

You do not need to be so civil with me.
Incho

I hope you do not mind if I let you know that it should be charitable, not cheritable."

Thanks. It was a typo. ( I know it was a typo, but I didn't mention it. Sorry about that. I remember you had problem typing with your laptop.)

You wrote, 'Seemingly, you are cautiously attentive to trying to avoid touching a raw nerve.'

What does 'toughing a raw nerve' mean? I've not heard of this phrase before. Thanks for increasing my knowledge of expressions.
Hi Incho

There are too much repetition of words, which you should steer clear of. (Thanks for this observation. Could you highlight which words are often repeated? Thanks.

You haven't highlighted the words often repeated. Could you please let me know so that I can remove those words or rephrase the sentences.
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Hi Yong,

I am busy now, but I will come back to you later today, if you do not mind.

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=83979&dict=CALD

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=30239&dict=CALD

Cheers
Hi Incho

Thanks for your help.

I look forward to hearing from you later.
Hi

He was wearing tattered and torn clothes. He was sleeping under a tree. His old and dirty shoes were beside him.

He was sleeping under a tree dressed in shabby clothes and with a pair of worn out shoes (being) beside him.

3 sentences = 1 sentence.

The children were sad (at) seeing such a poor man. They decided to help him by giving him some money. So they put twenty dollars in one of his shoes. They knew that he would be happy when he saw the money.

The heart-breaking sight of the vagrant aroused the children's sympathy, and they put 20 dollars in the man's boots, knowing how pleased he would be.

3 sentences = 1 .

As they wanted to make sure that no one took his money, they sat on a nearby bench. They also wanted to find out how the man would react when he saw the money.

They decided to stay near the tramp lest someone else take the money and to watch secretly what his reaction would be when noticing the manna from heaven.

2 = 1

About half an hour later, he woke up. When he got up to put on his shoes, he was surprised to see the money in his left shoe. He wondered who had given him the money.

He woke up only to see that there was 20 dollars in his shoe and wondered who put that there.

He was very happy because he could (use the money to) buy some food for himself. He had not had his breakfast.

You can say: 'The tramp had not had a square meal for a long time.' (no full stop after ')

After putting on his shoes, he stood up and walked away. The children followed him as they wanted to find out where he would go. The man went to the nearly food centre to have his breakfast. When the food was served, the man ate quickly. He must have been very hungry, the children thought. The children were happy that they had done a good deed. The children were ve When they reached home, they told their mother what they had done. She was glad that her children were kind-hearted. She told them, “I’m proud of both of you. Instead of using all your money to buy things for yourselves, you’ve used some of your money to help a poor man.” Ivy said, “Mum, he looks so weak and poor. We felt sorry for him. That’s why we decided to give him some money.” Jack said, “Mum, if you were there, I think you would have done the same thing.” Their mother smiled.
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