+0

What would you rate this essay, and could you give me some advice?

Do not forget your helmet !

The Netherlands accounts for the highest number of cyclists in the world. No matter how awful the weather is, or whether their destination is just nearby or far away, the Dutch definitely do not hesitate to use their cycle as a means of transport. It goes without saying that this habit is extremely beneficial, since it does not contribute to global warming. In addition it is a great way of burning calories. However, the intensive use of cycling does have a downside too. Over the past few years the number of cyclists that has sustained severe injuries due to accidents in traffic has increased. In response, the government has raised the idea to enforce a law which obliges cyclists to wear a helmet. The aim of this essay is to give arguments that advocate for implementing this law.

First of all it would be a wise idea to make wearing a helmet compulsory as purchasing it does not require a lot of money and is convenient to use. I can imagine cyclists do not want more rules to worry about, such as disposing over good brakes, a bicycle bell and lighting of their cycle, which all compromise on their freedom. For this reason a helmet comes as an easy solution for protection as you can take it along with you wherever you want.

Secondly, I want to address the main reason for wearing a helmet, which is obviously to reduce the number of victims in traffic accidents. In nearly every case when a car collides with a cyclist, grievous bodily harm is inflicted on the cyclist, which lasts a lifetime. According to research, much of the damage being done in such horrific accidents can be reduced significantly by simply wearing some kind of proper head protection. Moreover, submitting this law will enable us to cut down on healthcare costs considerably.

Lastly, considering the current trend of our aging population, and the growing popularity of the electric cycle, wearing helmets are of utmost importance. Oftentimes, it are the elderly who fall victim to accidents because of their deteriorated vision, mobility and hearing. This, combined with their extensive use of electric cycles, which can reach high velocities, can be extremely dangerous. A helmet would surely guarantee more safety.

To summarize, enforcement of a new law which obliges everyone to wear helmets during cycling is an excellent idea. Not only is it affordable for everyone, but it is also convenient to use. Wearing a helmet is an effective precautionary measure to guarantee more safety for cyclists in traffic and to prevent much harm inflicted on them in a possible accident. Another reason is the increase of elderly and their widely use of the electric cycle, which makes them more prone to be harmed. So next time we go for a ride, we should not forget to wear a helmet.

482 words

+0

Your first paragraph seems to be a body paragraph with argument points about the benefits of cycling. The first paragraph of an essay needs to present a thesis statement, not argument points. You should cut most of the text in the first paragraph.


The Netherlands accounts for has the highest number of bicycles per capita cyclists in the world. (That is the wrong statistic. China has a population of 1.4 billion and 37.2 percent of them use bicycles. So that is over 500 million cyclists, or about 30 times the number of people in The Netherlands. Be careful when you make such statements.) No matter how awful the weather is, or whether their destination is just nearby or far away, the Dutch definitely do not hesitate to use their bicycle as a means of transport. It goes without saying that this habit is extremely beneficial, since there are no CO2 emissions which it does not contribute to global warming. In addition it is a great way of burning calories. However, the intensive use of cycling does have a downside too. Over the past few years the number of cyclists that has (wrong verb form) sustained severe injuries due to accidents in traffic has increased. In response, the government has raised the idea to enforce a law (Does the law exist, but is not enforced?) which obliges requires cyclists to wear a helmet. I strongly advocate that the law must be strictly enforced, with financial penalties for non-compliance. (Never mention your essay. Instead write a thesis statement.) The aim of this essay is to give arguments that advocate for implementing this law.(Implement is not a good word here.)

First of all, it would be a wise idea to make wearing a helmet compulsory as purchasing it does not cost require a lot of money and it is convenient to use. I can imagine cyclists do not want more rules to worry about, such as disposing over (wrong word) good brakes, a bicycle bell and working head and tail lights, lighting of their cycle, which all compromise on their freedom. (That does not make sense.) For this reason (This is not a logical transition. What is the reason?) a helmet comes as an easy solution for protection as you can take it along with you wherever you want. (Wouldn't the person wear the helmet rather than carrying it? )

Secondly, Second, I want to address the main reason for wearing a helmet, which is obviously to reduce the number of serious injuries or deaths victims in traffic accidents. In nearly every case when a car collides with a cyclist, grievous bodily harm is inflicted on the cyclist, which lasts a lifetime. According to research, much of the damage being done in such horrific accidents the severity of these injuries can be reduced significantly by simply wearing some kind of proper head protection. Moreover, submitting (wrong word) this law will enable us to cut down on healthcare costs considerably.

Lastly, considering the current trend of our aging population, and the growing popularity of the electric cycle, wearing helmets are (wrong verb form) of utmost importance. Oftentimes, it are (wrong verb form) the elderly who fall victim to accidents because of their poor deteriorated vision, mobility and hearing and reaction time.. This, combined with their extensive use of Electric cycles have top speeds that are much higher than bicycles, so they which can reach high velocities, can be extremely dangerous. A helmet would surely guarantee more safety.

To summarize, enforcement of a new law (Does the law exist already or not?) which obliges mandates wearing a helmet everyone to wear helmets during cycling is an excellent idea. Not only is it affordable for everyone, but it is also convenient to use. Wearing a helmet is an effective precautionary measure to guarantee more safety for cyclists in traffic and to prevent much harm inflicted on them in a possible accident. Another reason is the increase of elderly and their widely use of the electric cycle, which makes them more prone to be harmed. So next time we go for a ride, we should not forget to wear a helmet. (This is way too much text. Do not repeat sentences. Just write a very succinct summary of the three main points. e.g. Helmets are an inexpensive and effective measure to increase public safety in a country where there are many cyclists on the roads. It is especially important for older people riding electric bikes. )

Comments  

I wrote this essay below. Can anyone show me if there are any mistakes and give me some advice? Thanks in advance.

Do not forget your helmet !

The Netherlands accounts for the highest number of cyclists in the world. No matter how awful the weather is, or whether their destination is just nearby or far away, the Dutch definitely do not hesitate to use their cycle as a means of transport. It goes without saying that this habit is extremely beneficial, since it does not contribute to global warming. In addition it is a great way of burning calories. However, the intensive use of cycling does have a downside too. Over the past few years the number of cyclists that has sustained severe injuries due to accidents in traffic has increased. In response, the government has raised the idea to enforce a law which obliges cyclists to wear a helmet. The aim of this essay is to give arguments that advocate for implementing this law.

First of all it would be a wise idea to make wearing a helmet compulsory as purchasing it does not require a lot of money and is convenient to use. I can imagine cyclists do not want more rules to worry about, such as disposing over good brakes, a bicycle bell and lighting of their cycle, which all compromise on their freedom. For this reason a helmet comes as an easy solution for protection as you can take it along with you wherever you want.

Secondly, I want to address the main reason for wearing a helmet, which is obviously to reduce the number of victims in traffic accidents. In nearly every case when a car collides with a cyclist, grievous bodily harm is inflicted on the cyclist, which lasts a lifetime. According to research, much of the damage being done in such horrific accidents can be reduced significantly by simply wearing some kind of proper head protection. Moreover, submitting this law will enable us to cut down on healthcare costs considerably.

Lastly, considering the current trend of our aging population, and the growing popularity of the electric cycle, wearing helmets are of utmost importance. Oftentimes, it are the elderly who fall victim to accidents because of their deteriorated vision, mobility and hearing. This, combined with their extensive use of electric cycles, which can reach high velocities, can be extremely dangerous. A helmet would surely guarantee more safety.

To summarize, enforcement of a new law which obliges everyone to wear helmets during cycling is an excellent idea. Not only is it affordable for everyone, but it is also convenient to use. Wearing a helmet is an effective precautionary measure to guarantee more safety for cyclists in traffic and to prevent much harm inflicted on them in a possible accident. Another reason is the increase of elderly and their widely use of the electric cycle, which makes them more prone to be harmed. So next time we go for a ride, we should not forget to wear a helmet.

482 words

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If this is an IELTS Task 2 essay, it is way too long.

The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task completion or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples.

Fourth, you will take a lot of time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.


Fifth, you will not have enough time to spend on Task 1, and get a lower score there.

Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

I wrote this essay for an exam I do in the Netherlands, the minimum amount of words is 300. Could anyone read it and give me some feedback/advice and point out any errors? Someone said my essay is a somewhat wordy. If you think the same, could you please show me where this is the case and show me how I could have done it differently?

Thanks in advance.

Do not forget your helmet !

The Netherlands accounts for the highest number of cyclists in the world. No matter how awful the weather is, or whether their destination is just nearby or far away, the Dutch definitely do not hesitate to use their cycle as a means of transport. It goes without saying that this habit is extremely beneficial, since it does not contribute to global warming. In addition it is a great way of burning calories. However, the intensive use of cycling does have a downside too. Over the past few years the number of cyclists that has sustained severe injuries due to accidents in traffic has increased. In response, the government has raised the idea to enforce a law which obliges cyclists to wear a helmet. The aim of this essay is to give arguments that advocate for implementing this law.

First of all it would be a wise idea to make wearing a helmet compulsory as purchasing it does not require a lot of money and is convenient to use. I can imagine cyclists do not want more rules to worry about, such as disposing over good brakes, a bicycle bell and lighting of their cycle, which all compromise on their freedom. For this reason a helmet comes as an easy solution for protection as you can take it along with you wherever you want.

Secondly, I want to address the main reason for wearing a helmet, which is obviously to reduce the number of victims in traffic accidents. In nearly every case when a car collides with a cyclist, grievous bodily harm is inflicted on the cyclist, which lasts a lifetime. According to research, much of the damage being done in such horrific accidents can be reduced significantly by simply wearing some kind of proper head protection. Moreover, submitting this law will enable us to cut down on healthcare costs considerably.

Lastly, considering the current trend of our aging population, and the growing popularity of the electric cycle, wearing helmets are of utmost importance. Oftentimes, it are the elderly who fall victim to accidents because of their deteriorated vision, mobility and hearing. This, combined with their extensive use of electric cycles, which can reach high velocities, can be extremely dangerous. A helmet would surely guarantee more safety.

To summarize, enforcement of a new law which obliges everyone to wear helmets during cycling is an excellent idea. Not only is it affordable for everyone, but it is also convenient to use. Wearing a helmet is an effective precautionary measure to guarantee more safety for cyclists in traffic and to prevent much harm inflicted on them in a possible accident. Another reason is the increase of elderly and their widely use of the electric cycle, which makes them more prone to be harmed. So next time we go for a ride, we should not forget to wear a helmet.

482 words

 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.
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baai 92 Someone said my essay is a somewhat wordy. If you think the same, could you please show me where this is the case and show me how I could have done it differently?

I gave you a lot of feedback particularly on the wordy sections.

Please do not just repost the same essay in a new thread.

You can ask questions about the feedback and revise your essay, posting it as a comment or reply.

Also, please do not create two different user accounts - you seem to have "Baai" and "baai 92". Please chose the one you want to use.


https://www.englishforums.com/user/cpwvh/profile.htm

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You have a great essay, aside from grammatical errors. I am learning Spanish and I understand how important it is to be able to write texts correctly in the target language. I would like to recommend a [commercial site removed by moderator. Please do not put this in a post; put links to commercial sites in your profile] where there are many good essays in English. Daily reading in English will help you learn the language faster and remember how to correctly formulate sentences and spell some difficult words.