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QUESTION : Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause social problems, as well as practical problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.
Write at least 250 words and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

HELP ME EVALUATE THIS ESSAY AND MARK IT AS YOU WISH (1-9 in IELTS). THANKS FOR YOUR HELP VERY MUCH.

MY ESSAY:

These days, due to the gradually increase in many people’s living needs, some choose to live and study abroad where they have to speak a foreign language. Regarding this respect, it is argued by some that this can lead to both social and practical matters. I, however, partially agree with this idea, as now will be discussed in this essay.
On the one hand, I agree that one can face up to several certain social and practical problems when they are residing in a nation of which main language is completely different from their mother tongue. To this aspect, they have to confront with new cultures and customs indigenous to the country, which would be mostly resulted from language barrier if they had not had enough knowledge and thorough study for that language. For instance, my Vietnamese uncle who is living in the US used to experience some undesirable problems that are annoying while the way native people use their language and interact with others are a far cry from his Vietnamese language, thus he underwent some social and practical problems as he could not seek employment and sometimes misunderstood the native residents’ sayings when he got to ask for others’ help when getting lost or seeking information.
On the other hand, I am against this idea and firmly believe that speaking a foreign language will not absolutely cause social and practical problems. When one stands the chance of speaking a foreign language where they live, they can take optimal advantage of this so as to improve their foreign language studying. Moreover, once studying thoroughly the language in which country we are living, we can integrate ourselves into the country’s culture and get gradually accustomed to it, therefore, minimize unexpected problems. Take an example of my French friend, because he had a good command of Chinese when he was studying and working in China, it was not difficult for himself to get a stable job and communicate with others in his daily life.
In conclusion, while it is undeniable that living in a nation where we have to speak a foreign language can result in social and practical problems, I partially agree when these matters can be totally removed.

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It is nearly 370 words, and that is too long. The minimum is 250. The ideal length is 270-290.

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These days, due to the gradually (ungrammatical . An adverb cannot modify a noun.) increase in many people’s living needs,(That does not make sense. I think you mean that people want to get a better education. ) some choose to live and study abroad where they have to speak a foreign language. Regarding this respect, (wrong usage.) it is argued by some that this can lead to difficulties in both social and practical matters. I, however, (wrong usage) partially agree with this idea, as now will be discussed in this essay.

(Delete. Do not mention your essay. The examiner knows you are writing an essay. )

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On the one hand, (It is better to have a definite opinion on one side or the other. This is not a "present both views" essay type) First, I agree that one can face up to (wrong usage) several certain social and practical problems when they are residing in a nation where the of which (wrong usage) main local language is completely different from their mother tongue. To this aspect, (wrong usage) they have to confront with (wrong usage) new cultures and customs indigenous to the country, which would be mostly resulted from language barrier if they had not had enough knowledge and thorough study for that language. (Your sentence falls apart because it is too long and has several ideas. Also, it is not logical. I cannot understand your point. Be clear.) If they do not study the language and culture well ahead of time, they will have difficulties in shopping, getting around and making friends. For instance, my Vietnamese uncle, who is living in the US, used to experience some undesirable problems that are annoying while the way native people use their language and interact with others are a far cry from his Vietnamese language, thus he underwent some social and practical problems as he could not seek employment and sometimes misunderstood the native residents’ sayings when he got to ask for others’ help when getting lost or seeking information. (That is a very long run-on sentence. You need to put one idea in each sentence, not mash them all together. "Undergo problems" is not a natural collocation. I think this is what you mean. You need three sentences to express the ideas clearly.)

Take my uncle for example, a native of Vietnam, who is living in the US. When he first arrived, he found that the way the local people spoke English was very different from the same expression in Vietnamese and that caused some real misunderstandings. He could not get a good job, or ask for directions when he got lost, or get help when he was seeking some information.

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