As I am preparing for TOEFL exam, I practice for essay writing. I woud be happy if anyone correct my essay and give feedback to improve my writting.
Thanks in advance.

It has been proven that hard work leads you to success in your life but there are also other factors to be considered. We have many examples of people who are successful in their lives. Obama was born in United States and started his life as a lecturer and became the president of United States as we all know now, and this was possible because he worked hard and had other qualities too. In other words, if you want to be successful in life you should possess skills like qualification, good attitude and better organization skills.

The first step is to have good qualification. You should have a degree from a good university and if possible you can also get a diploma from a community college and that will give you practical experience. Language is also important. You can learn English which will help you to get a better job and you can also learn other languages like French that will give you more chances of getting a better job than others. Interpersonal skill is considered to be very important. You should be able to communicate with friends and family efficiently and also with your co workers. in general qualification gives you the basic knowledge you need in your life.

Secondly, you should have a good attitude. You should never lose hope and be positive, even if you have a junior position. You might not succeed now but later in life just like an athlete who thinks he will succeed even after loosing the match but succeeds later in life. Always be friendly with your coworkers and friends and especially with your family. Be confident especially when you are giving speech or presentation or starting a new work. If you have good attitude you have nothing to lose, because it give you a feeling of success.

Lastly, organization skills are very important and without that you can never be successful. Many employers are looking to hire people who are good at coordinating things like negotiating with others and efficiently managing meetings. Never start something without making a plan, especially when you are starting a new job or planning for your future studies or project. You have nothing to lose, even if you don't work you can use your organization skills at home.

Other people think that only hard work will lead to success in your life. However, the overwhelming evidence suggests the contrary, that hard work has nothing to do with success and is actually counterproductive. If hard work is supposed too produce success, then it would stand to reason that everyone who works hard would be successful. But that is far from the case. Most people who work hard never come close to being successful. In fact, most hard workers have a much higher incidence of non-success than they have success. Like Janitor works all their lives cleaning buildings, moping floors, vacuuming carpet and sanitizing washrooms. They don't even get pay rise and have to work more hours.

There are many reasons people should have these sets of skills like qualification, good attitude and better organization skills. Because you don't want to be left behind from others in your life and by having these sets of skills you have nothing to lose and you will be more successful and will have more secure future.
Here's a site where native speakers will correct your essays:
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Hope it helps!
Hi,

I beleive that site charges money.

Here at English Forums, we provide a free correction service.

Best wishes, Clive
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can you please check my essay:


“Solitude, Spending Time Alone Is One Of Our Best Teachers.”

A human being begins his life by his parents’ side. He learns about right and wrong, and then moves on with his life, he starts school, finds friends, has a teacher and learns from the people and things around him. Then he one day takes a step onto the outside world where he finds more people some good and bad, but knows what path to choose.

What I am trying to say is that I do not agree with the theory that spending time alone is our best teacher. We learn from other people who are in many ways more experienced than us. Or from our friends who teach us many of the things we aren’t aware of.

Solitude isn’t a good idea. Because according to me, it just brings your self esteem down. First we should ask ourselves this question. “What does solitude involve?” Well. a person sits alone and ponders his own thoughts, he would usually think about what he observes. This isn’t always a good thing. For example, seeing someone smoking a cigarette, or taking drugs. It will make the person think whether it is a good or bad thing. About whether the person is taking the drug for good, and it can even drive the person in for a craving to “try it” which may lead to many problems

Discussing your problems and asking questions is another way to gain knowledge and learn between right and wrong. When we are in a problem or confused about a question, who do we turn to? Someone we can trust with an answer. Usually our parents, or our friends, or someone real close to us. Because we know that they will give us advice for the best of us.

Even though a person himself learns through the mistakes he makes, and has to realize the wrong he has done on his/her own, he always needs people to tell him that he is on the wrong path and he needs to turn away. If we used solitude and didn’t listen to anybody but ourselves, we would continue the wrong we are doing.

So in conclusion I would like to say that I disagree that solitude is our best teacher.
Just a few glaring issues...

“Solitude, Spending Time Alone Is One Of Our Best Teachers.”

A human being begins his life by his parents’ side. He learns about right and wrong, and then moves on with his life, he starts school, finds friends, has a teacher and learns from the people and things around him. Then he one day takes a step onto the outside world where he finds more people some good and bad, but knows what path to choose. (Get to the point.)

What I am trying to say is that I do not agree with the theory that spending time alone is our best teacher. We learn from other people who are in many ways more experienced than us, or from our friends who teach us many of the things we aren’t aware of.

Solitude isn’t a good idea. Because (incomplete sentence) according to me, it just brings your self esteem down. First we should ask ourselves this question. “What does solitude involve?” Well. a person sits alone and ponders his own thoughts, he would usually think about what he observes. This isn’t always a good thing. For example, seeing someone smoking a cigarette, or taking drugs. It will make the person think whether it is a good or bad thing. About whether the person is taking the drug for good, and it can even drive the person in for a craving to “try it” which may lead to many problems (I don't understand your point.)

Discussing your problems and asking questions is another way to gain knowledge and learn between right and wrong. When we are in a problem or confused about a question, who do we turn to? Someone we can trust with an answer. Usually our parents, or our friends, or someone real close to us. Because we know that they will give us good advice for the best of us.

Even though a person himself learns through the mistakes he (sexist) makes, and has to realize the wrong he has done on his/her own, he always needs people to tell him that he is on the wrong path and he needs to turn away. If we used solitude and didn’t listen to anybody but ourselves, we would continue the wrong we are doing.

So in conclusion I would like to say that I disagree that solitude is our best teacher.
I am currently correcting your essay but there are a lot of edits I am making. I am not just correcting your grammar, vocabulary, sentence structure etc. but I feel obligated to tell you that the points you are making are not strong enough to substantiate your argument about hard work.

Black: yours
Red: Mine / new sentence of mine
Blue: Correction of your statement

Don't begin your writing with such a sentence. Maybe you can start with a quote e.g.

1st paragraph: "A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work."
- Colin Powell

followed by/or simply begin with an opening paragraph. You need an impactful introduction that strengthens your opening statement about hard work having proven to lead you to success in life.

2nd paragraph: It has been proven that hard work leads you to success in your life, but there are also other factors to be considered.We have many examples of people who are successful in their lives. In the case of President Barack Obama (Be respectful, he is not your friend whom you can address so casually), it was not just hard work that led him from being a lecturer to become the 44th President of the United States of America/ An example is President Barack Obama who was born in United States (it doesn't matter where he was born; on the contrary, I think it was more impressive that he underwent schooling in Indonesia) and started his professional life as a lecturer (he was not born a lecturer) and is now became the president of the United States... as we all know now.

I cannot correct your following sentences and essay because I do not agree with them. Good qualifications (which is not a skill), a good attitude and better organization skills are not enough to be successful in life. Furthermore, your example is that of a president, whom I am certain requires more skills/other qualities than these to govern over millions of people.

Glancing through the rest of your essay, you also tend to generalise too much. You do not need a degree in order to succeed. Look at Bill Gates, who never did graduate from his class of 1973 at Harvard. This negates your point about good qualifications immediately.
Furthermore, interpersonal skills in the 1st paragraph and your explanations about good relationships with co-workers in the 2nd paragraph are revolving around the same point. Also, interpersonal skills have nothing to do with good qualifications so it should not be appearing in the 1st paragraph in the first place.
Chinese is fast becoming the main language-to-know, English is more of convenience. Now, a lot of foreigners are picking up Chinese in order to venture into the Chinese market. French has never been one of the main languages to know, not unless you want to work in France, Switzerland, Belgium or only a few other countries. Rather, the main languages you should learn are English, Chinese and Spanish because they are the most common languages.

A good attitude does not neccessarily make you feel successful. I think what you mean is perseverance and strong will to succeed in the face of overwhelming obstacles and oppositions.
Your example about the athlete is contradictory. I understand that you think it's all right if a person may succeed in life even if he failed at what he originally wanted to succeed in, but this is not a universal statement. Not many people have the skills to succeed at something other than what they have worked so hard for. However, you can give the example of Billy Beane, the manager of the Oakland Athletics team and protoganist of the Academy Awards-nominated film Moneyball. He failed as an athlete but as a manager, was extremely successful, so much so that he was offered a salary of $12.5 million to manage the New York Yankees, where he would have become the highest paid general manager in sports history, if he had accepted the offer..

Negotiating has nothing to do with coordinate things.
Your point about employers looking for people with good organization skills have nothing to do with your next point about you "never start[ing] something without making a plan".
"You have nothing to lose, even if you don't work you can use your organization skills at home. "WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN? You think you are successful in your own home because you can organise your furniture, come up with a timetable for housework etc? The fact that you have so much time to waste on organizing your things at home which you have explicitly said have nothing to do with work already shows that you have failed.

Please re-consider the factors you have given and come up with better points to substantiate your main argument. From what I have read so far, it is not a problem of vocabulary etc that is a problem; rather it is a matter of content.
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