Essay on "Eyes"?

3 replies
Forums · ESL Reading and Writing · Essay, Report & Composition Writing
Hi

I am writing a 300-word essay on "eyes". Could you please tell me how you find the first paragraph? Any suggestion is welcome.

Leaving anatomy aside, eyes are perhaps the most important part of a human body. The graceful lines of (the??) great mountains, the verdant greenery of prairies, the enchanting twists of rivers, the infinity of the oceans, and all the other beauties of the world, be it the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal, are meaningless to the blind. All means of entertainment, television or books, films or games, the internet or sightseeing are null and void if one is deprived of eyes. Nothing could be worse than to live all your life with the people you love, but with no vision to see them!

Thanks,

Tom
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Leaving anatomy aside, The eyes are perhaps the most important part of a human body. The graceful lines of (the??) great mountains, the verdant greenery of prairies (Prairies may be green in some seasons, but they are not 'verdant', which smacks of lushness, and 'greenery' is taller, decorative plantlife), the enchanting twists ('Enchanting' is pleasant; 'twist' is not) of rivers, the infinity (it is big or they are many?) of the oceans, and all the manmade beauties of the world, be they the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal, are meaningless to the blind. All media of entertainment, television and books, films and games, the internet and sightseeing are null and void (Wrong register, rather stuffy!) if one is deprived of eyes. Nothing could be worse than to live all your life with those you love and no vision to see ( 'Vision' = 'see') them!
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My sincere thanks, MM. (What would I do without you!!)

Do you find the word choice better now? Please cross out the word you don't like.

The eyes are perhaps the most important part of a human body. The graceful lines of great mountains, the openness/ flatness of prairies, the enchanting movements/dances of rivers, the vastness of the oceans, and all the manmade beauties of the world, be they the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal, are meaningless to the blind. All media of entertainment, television and books, films and games, the internet and sightseeing are insignificant/ unimportant if one is deprived of eyes. Nothing could be worse than to live all your life with those you love and no power to see them!

Tom
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Much better, even if I don't like either option in two cases. Those words don't focus on the essential quality (for this text), I think. On the other hand, you could very well keep 'dances' if you made all the adjectives for the other nouns as imaginative as that.

The eyes are perhaps the most important part of the human body. The graceful lines of great mountains, the openness/ flatness of prairies, the enchanting movements/dances of rivers, the vastness of the oceans, and all the manmade beauties of the world, be they the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal, are meaningless to the blind. All the media of entertainment, television and books, films and games, the internet and sightseeing are insignificant/ unimportant if one is deprived of eyes. Nothing could be worse than to live all your life with those you love and no power to see them!
SystemAdministrator: A system administrator takes care of the inner workings of the entire system. These users have the ability to promote, ban and modify other users.Teachers: Users in this role are certified teachers. This may include DELTA, CELTA, TESOL, TEFL qualified professionals. Email a scan of your qualification to an admin, if you wish to be considered.

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