It is argued that spendings on the arts such as music, cinema is waste of money and government should invest a huge amount of money in public services instead. Although I agree that spendings on public services such health, education is crucial, investment in the arts do not waste too much money.
On top of that, it is undeniable that investment in public services is vital because they will determine the quality of citizen’s life in each nation. To be more specific, If governments take more care of medical system in their countries, inhabitant’s health will be upgraded and improved. Moreover, development of each nation mostly depend on education. Therefore, If education is invested adequately, economy’s countries will evovle thrivingly. Contrastly, governments allocate deficiently for public services, which can lead to a large amount of social problems such as conflicts between the rich and the poor, calamities, poverty or even wars.
However, this does not mean that the arts should be entirely neglected. Firstly, the arts symbolize for the culture and the spirit of each nation in the world. Thanks to unique culture of nations, their lifestyle and customs seem to be reflected and especially, tourists from other nations can be attracted by them. And gradually tourism stands a higher chance of developing. For example, In Viet Nam , Bac Ninh province, Dong Ho paintings are well-known all around the world, which will promote VietNam’s cultures to other countries. Secondly, unlike the science required about logic and complexity, the arts tend to stimulate creativity and imagination. It means that humans need to observe and imagine to create aesthetic products such as paintings, music, therefore, cognitive human would be enhanced through the arts.
In conclusion, investment in public services would br crucial, however, the importance of the arts on human’s life cannot be neglected.
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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay
Message body:
Topic: Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
My essay:
(Your text here...)
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It is argued that spendings (wrong form) spending on the arts such as music, cinema is waste of money and the government should invest a huge amount of money (The level of spending is not in the task.) in public services instead. Although I agree that spendings on public services such health, education is crucial, investment in the arts do (wrong form) not waste too much money.
You did not answer the essay prompt clearly. The examiner is looking for an answer to this question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
For example:
Although I agree that spending on public services such health, education is crucial, I totally disagree that the government should not allocate some money to the arts.
It is good to know a good handful of adverbs of extent because this is a very common prompt in IELTS Task 2 essays.
Complete agreement / disagreement:
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completely
fully
totally
wholeheartedly
unreservedly
with no reservations
without reservation
unequivocally
unquestionably
with no hesitation
unconditionally
Partial agreement / disagreement:
----------------
somewhat
partially
partly
to some extent / to a limited extent / to a point
with (some / certain / a few) reservations
conditionally
Next, you wrote the wrong type of essay. This is NOT an advantages/disadvantages or "discuss both views" essay. You need to take a position, and then put two reasons for your opinion in the body paragraphs.
Opening Paragraph:. I completely disagree.
Body paragraph #1: The first reason for your answer.
Body paragraph #2: The second reason for your answer.
On top of that, (Wrong usage.) it is undeniable that investment in public services is vital because they will determine the quality of citizen’s life (wrong form. Nations have more than one person. ) in each nation. To be more specific, If (wrong form - "if" is not a proper noun.) governments take more care of medical system (wrong form) in their countries, inhabitant’s (wrong form) health will be upgraded (wrong word) and improved. Moreover, development of each nation mostly depend (wrong form) on education. Therefore, If education is invested adequately, (wrong usage - if the education system is well-funded, ) economy’s (wrong usage - An economy does hot have a country. It makes no sense. ) countries will evovle thrivingly. (wrong word) Contrastly, (That is not a valid word. ) governments allocate deficiently (wrong usage) for public services, (ungrammatical sentence) which can lead to a large amount of social problems such as conflicts between the rich and the poor, calamities, poverty or even wars.
However, this does not mean that the arts should be entirely neglected. Firstly, First, the arts symbolize for the culture and the spirit of each nation in the world. Thanks to unique culture of nations, their lifestyle and customs seem to be reflected in their art and especially, tourists from other nations can be attracted by them. And gradually tourism stands a higher chance of developing. For example, In Viet Nam , Bac Ninh province, Dong Ho paintings are well-known all around the world, which will promote VietNam’s cultures to other countries. Secondly, Second, unlike the science required about logic and complexity, (I don't understand what you mean.) the arts tend to stimulate creativity and imagination. It means that we humans (Wrong usage. We do not use "human" in this context.) need to observe and imagine to create aesthetic products such as paintings, music, (ungrammatical in two ways. You missed a conjunction in the noun phrase. The comma is a comma splice error.) therefore, cognitive human (That makes no sense) would be enhanced through the arts.
In conclusion, investment in public services would br crucial, (comma splice error) however, the importance of the arts on human’s life cannot be neglected. (You never answered the prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?)