Hi guys, please help me to correct the grammatical errors in this sentence. i felt that there is something really wrong with it, but i can't seem to spot it. pls help me, thnxx.

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Thus, to fight for his freedom, Marcus secretly creates an underground network of youth, others whom shared his ambitions and his beliefs in public’s rights, including his girlfriend, Angela, and his close friend, Jolu, in hope that together, they will be able to revolutionize people’s minds about security and liberty.

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Thus Marcus secretly creates an underground network of youth to fight for his freedom. Others who share his ambitions and his beliefs in public’s rights, include his girlfriend, Angela, and his close friend Jolu. They hope that together they will be able to revolutionize people’s minds about security and liberty.
Hello, 11996 - and welcome to English Forums.

I have underlined some problem areas. See if you can fix them, and then post your revised text here and we will check it for you.

Thus, to fight for his freedom, Marcus secretly creates an underground network of youth, others whom shared his ambitions and his beliefs in public’s rights, including his girlfriend, Angela, and his close friend, Jolu, in hope that together, they will be able to revolutionize people’s minds about security and liberty.
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Thanks for the warm welcome. Mister Micawber

Just so you know, my teacher force it to be a sentence without any semicolon and stuff.

Here's my take at it:

Thus, to fight for his freedom, Marcus secretly creates an underground network that consisted of many youth, others beside him who shared his ambitions and his beliefs in people rights, in cluding his girlfriend, Angela, and his close friend, Jolu, in hope that together they will be able to revolutionize people's mind about security and liberty.

I think i got some of them, but not all. I'm sorry because I'm not that great at English as it's my second language. Please help me by fixing it and explain. I would be GREATLY graceful. Thanks
Thus, to fight for his freedom, Marcus secretly creates an underground network of youths, including his girlfriend, Angela, and his close friend, Jolu, who share his ambitions and his beliefs in human rights, in hope that together they will be able to revolutionize people's attitudes/feelings about security and liberty.
Thanks a lot for your time! I really do. Wish you the best of luck ;D
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