+0
Hi! Thanks you all for helping!
I need help again.
What would you change in this text so that it
can souns more natural? Thanks in advance.

Computer Revolution.
Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine that
today we can't imagine life without them.
Computer technology is the fastest-growing
industry in the world. The first computer were
big and they took up a lot of place. Today some
models can be placed on your palm. And the revolution
is still going on. They're getting smaller and
smaller.

So what are their advantages?
Firstly, they save a lot of time. It's much
faster and easier to surf the Net than go to
the library. Online shopping makes it possible
to find exactly what you want at the best price,
saving both time and money.
Email is a great invention too. Your letter will
be received at once, in few seconds.
They make a great many jobs much easier. We
can now do that which as far back as the beginning
of nineteens could onle be done at the professional
studios. I mean, working with sound, video and
so on.

And what are their drawbacks?
Computers are not very good for health. Monitor
radiation is far lower that it was at least 10
years ago, though. They've become flat, this is also
much better for our eyes. But the radiation
can still be felt after long working.
Because the computer progress is always in constant
motion, you have to update your machine almost
every year and this can sometimes be hard.
Home computers very often make mistakes, sometime
little and sometimes very bad.

After all, computers are to improve our life and
they've already done it. And they'll do that
still better, I hope.
Comments  
Manohonor,

Overall, you've done very well. I will make a few subtle changes.

Computer Revolution.
Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine that
today we can't imagine life without computers.
Computer technology is the fastest-growing
industry in the world.[1] The first computers were
big and they took up a lot of space. Today some computer
models can be placed in the palm of your hand. And the revolution
is still going on. They're getting smaller and
smaller everyday.

So what are their advantages?
First, they save a lot of time. It's much
faster and easier to surf the Net [2] than go to
the library. Online shopping makes it possible
to find exactly what you want at the best price,
saving both time and money.
Second, e-mail is a great invention too. [2a]
E-mail is usually delivered in less than a few minutes.
Third, computers make a great
many jobs much easier. We can now do that which as far back as the beginning
of nineteens could onle be done at the professional
studios. I mean, working with sound, video and
so on. [3]

And what are their drawbacks? [4]
Computers are not very good for your health. Monitor
radiation is far lower that it was at least 10
years ago, though. They've become flat, this is also
much better for our eyes. But the radiation
can still be felt after long working. [5]
Because the computer progress is always in constant
motion, you have to update your machine almost
every year and this can sometimes be hard. [6]
Home computers very often make mistakes, sometime
little and sometimes very bad. [7]

After all, computers are to improve our life and
they've already done it. And they'll do that
still better, I hope. [8]

[1] I am not sure that computer technology is the fastest growing industry in the world. In fact, right now the growth in anemic. I think telecommunications and media are just two of the probably faster growing industries.

[2] I would use "browse" the Internet

[2a] This needs be re-worded. It isn't that e-mail is a great invention, but it is what e-mail allows you to do.

[3] I got lost in these last couple sentences. I think you need to revisit these sentences and rephrase them.

[4] I would use disadvantages rather than drawbacks

[5] I am not sure we feel the radiation. Instead, I think we feel the strain of looking at a monitor all day long that is close and in front of our eyes.

[6] Updating every year seems a bit extreme. I would say "Because computer technology continues to make constant progress, we have to update our computers on periodic basis."

[7] Is it the computers that make mistakes or the users using computers that make mistakes? Or is it poor software?

[8] That closing seem a bit weak or unfocused to me. You need to capture your three or four earlier points: 1) save time; 2) e-mail; 3) make jobs easier 4) ?.

I am sorry that I was not able to rewrite your short essay for you. You need to make some revisions. Perhaps after you complete another iteration, we can write your final version.

MoutainHiker
Thanks for that, MountainHiker, only I think I need a little more than this.

[2a] This needs be re-worded. It isn't that e-mail is a great invention, but it is what e-mail allows you to do.

If it must be re-worded, how exactly?

[3] I got lost in these last couple sentences. I think you need to revisit these sentences and rephrase them.

How exactly? And what did you find wrong?

Reply asap.

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Manohonor,

Your problems are not with English, but rather with logic. You need to think through what you want to say.

Regarding [2a]...

You open the paragraph with, "So what are their advantages?"

You need to state what the advantages are. For [2a] we state, "Second, e-mail is a great invention too." That isn't an advantage. It is simply a statement. Why is e-mail a great invention? If you answer that question, then you have provided an advantage.

Regarding [3]

We can now do that which as far back as the beginning of nineteens could onle be done at the professional studios. I mean, working with sound, video and so on. [3]

You just finished discussing e-mail, so I am not sure what "that" refers to in "We can now do THAT which..."

I am guessing that your "nineteens" is referring to 1900s? But in the 1900s, you could not do sound, video and so on. So maybe nineteens doesn't refer to 1900s. I don't know what you are attempting to convey. I think "onle" is only. That is pretty easy to infer.

You need to make it a bit easier for the reader to follow your thoughts.

One last small but important point, you wrote "Reply asap". I think you meant, "Please reply asap."

I hope this message is helpful.

MountainHiker
That's how I rewrote this quickly:

Computer Revolution.

Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine that
today we can't imagine life without computers.
Computer technology is one of the fastest-growing
industries in the world. The first computers were
big and they took up a lot of space. Today some computer
models can be placed in the palm of your hand. And the revolution
is still going on. They're getting smaller and
smaller everyday.

So what are their advantages?

First, they save a lot of time. It's much
faster and easier to browse the InterNet [2] than go to
the library. Online shopping makes it possible
to find exactly what you want at the best price,
saving both time and money.

Second, e-mail.
E-mail is usually delivered in less than a few minutes.

Third, computers make a great
many jobs much easier. We can now do what as far back as the beginning
of ninetes could only be done at the professional
studios. I mean working with sound, video and
so on.

And what are their disadvantages?

Computers are not very good for your health. Monitor
radiation is far lower that it was at least 10
years ago, though. They've become flat, this is also
much better for our eyes. But we still feel
tired after long working.

Because computer technology continues to make constant
progress, you have to update your machine on periodic
basis.
Home computers very often make mistakes, sometimes
little and sometimes very bad.

After all, computers are to improve our life and
they've already done it. And they'll do that
still better, I hope.

What do you say now?
Thanks in advance.
Please reply asap.Emotion: smile
Manohonor,

Much better!!

Computer Revolution.

Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine that
today we can't imagine life without computers.
Computer technology is one of the fastest-growing
industries in the world. The first computers were
big and they took up a lot of space. Today some computer
models can be placed in the palm of your hand. And the revolution
is still going on. They're getting smaller and
smaller everyday.

So what are their advantages?

First, they save a lot of time. It's much
faster and easier to browse the Internet than go to
the library. Online shopping makes it possible
to find exactly what you want at the best price,
saving both time and money.

Second, e-mail.
E-mail is usually delivered in less than a few minutes.

Third, computers make a great
many jobs much easier. [In the early 1990s, we needed a professional studio to perform complex multimedia editing and production. Today, most serious hobbiests with a powerful home PC can equal or surpass the quality of earlier professional studios.]We can now do what as far back as the beginning
of ninetes could only be done at the professional
studios. I mean working with sound, video and
so on.

And what are their disadvantages?

Computers are not very good for your health. Monitor
radiation is far lower that it was at least 10
years ago, though. How much lower?They've become flat, this is also
much better for our eyes. But we still feel
tired after working for a long period of time.

Because computer technology continues to make constant
progress, we have to update your machine on periodic
basis.

Home computers very often make mistakes, sometimes
little and sometimes very bad. [This sounds to me like computers
are independent living creatures. Do you mean the users make bad mistakes, or
that the software is buggy? What mistakes are you referring to?]


After all, if the purpose of computers were to improve the quality of our lives, then
they've already done it. And they'll continue to improve, I hope. [Why wouldnt' they continue to improve?]

MountainHiker
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
MountainHiker,

working on and on...

And yet another version:

Computer revolution.

Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine
that today we can't imagine life without
computers. Computer technology is one of the
fastest-growing industries in the world. The
first computers were big and they took up a
lot of space. Today some computer models can be
placed in the palm of your hand. And the revolution
is still going on. They're getting smaller and
smaller everyday.

So what are their advantages?

First, they save a lot of time. It's much faster
and easier to browse the Internet than go to the
library. Online shopping makes it possible
to find exactly what you want at the best price,
saving both time and money.

Second, e-mail. E-mail allows for faster communication and
with faster communication, we can increase productivity.

Third, computers make a great
many jobs much easier. In the early 1990s,
we needed a professional studio to perform complex multimedia editing and production.
Today, most serious hobbiests with a powerful home PC
can equal or surpass the quality of earlier professional studios.

And what are their disadvantages?

Computers are not very good for our health.
Monitors have become flat and that is much
better for our eyes, though. Nevertheless,
we still feel tired after working for a long
period of time.

Because computer technology continues to make constant
progress, we have to update your machine on periodic
basis.

Different computer programs can conflict
with each other and so cause a number of
mistakes, sometimes little and sometimes
very bad.

After all, if the purpose of computers were to improve the quality of our lives, then
they've already done it. And they'll continue to improve, I hope.
They're doing this all the time, you see.

What now?

Thank in advance.
Please reply as soon as possible.
Manohonor,

Are you having fun yet?

I am only going to make some small changes. I think you're ready.

MountainHiker

Computer revolution.

Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine
that today we can't imagine life without
computers. Computer technology is one of the
fastest-growing industries in the world. The
first computers were big and they took up a
lot of space. Today some computer models can be
placed in the palm of your hand. And the revolution
is still going on. They're getting smaller and
smaller everyday.

So what are their advantages?

First, they save a lot of time. It's much faster
and easier to browse the Internet than go to the
library. Online shopping makes it possible
to find exactly what you want at the best price,
saving both time and money.

Second, e-mail. E-mail allows for faster communication and
with faster communication, we deleted words increase productivity.

Third, computers make a great
many jobs much easier. In the early 1990s,
we needed a professional studio to perform complex multimedia editing and production.
Today, most serious hobbiests with a powerful home PC
can equal or surpass the quality of earlier professional studios.

And what are their disadvantages?

making changes here and there to your next paragraph
Computers are not very good for our health. People suffer from repetitive movement injuries as well as eye strain. Monitors have become flat, however, and that has helped reduce problems for our eyes. Nevertheless,
our eyes still feel tired after the end of a long hardworking day.

Because computer technology continues to make constant
progress, we have to update your machine on periodic
basis.

making changes here and there to your next paragraph
Different computer programs can conflict with each other and cause the us grief.
Sometimes the conflict causes the computers to close down programs or even completely shutdown.
Other times, some of our data is lost or corrupted. Although computers are very helpful in increasing
productivity, they sometimes cause frustration, especially when we loose a lot of work because of
software or hardware incompatibilities.

All that said, if the purpose of computers were to improve the quality of our lives, then
success has been achieved. I am confident that computers will continue to become smaller, faster, and better, with less of the problems that currently plague us. In the future, computers will become even more ubiquitous than they are today. Children will think no more of using a computer than they do of opening the fridge.

You're done. Look it over and see if you are happy with it.

I don't think this is a "perfect essay" but it is probably inline with where you skills are. I didn't want to write the essay for you. I wanted you to do the work with little bits of help from me here and there.

Make any changes you like.

MountainHiker
Manohonor,

I spent an additional few minutes and improved your essay somewhat. I don't think you should use it, however. But I thought you might be interested in seeing this revised version.

Computer revolution.

Computers...

50 years ago people couldn't even imagine that today we can't imagine life without computers. Computers have progressed tremendously over that time frame and are likely to continue doing so. In fact, computer technology is one of the fastest-growing industries in the world. As an example of the progress that has been made, computers 50 years ago were big and they took up a lot of space, often an entire floor of an office building. Today that same or more computing horsepower can be found on the desktop of most office professioals.

So what are the advantages of computers?

First, they save a lot of time. For example, it's much faster and easier to browse the Internet than go to the library. And, online shopping makes it possible to find exactly what you want at the best price, saving both time and money.

Second, e-mail. E-mail allows for faster communication and with faster communication, we increase productivity. Much of the increased productivity during the last 20 years is attributable to computers. We are able to communicate our complex ideas to people around with world in only mere minutes by using e-mail. Our e-mail often contains attachments, which can be full length reports and other assorted information.

Third, computers make our work easier. As an example, in the early 1990s, we needed a professional studio to perform complex multimedia editing and production. Today, most serious hobbiests with a powerful home PC can equal or surpass the quality of earlier professional studios.

And what are the disadvantages of computers?

First, computers are not very good for our health. People suffer from repetitive movement injuries as well as eye strain. As we have learned through experience with repetitive movement injuries, we have begun to design better equipment. For example, we now have ergonomic keyboards which are curved. These curved keyboards help to reduce carpal tunnel syndrome. With regard to our eyes, monitors have become flat and use LCD technology,and that has helped reduce eye strain. Nevertheless, our eyes still feel tired after the end of a long hardworking day.

Second, because the growth in computer technology is still very rapid, the interaction amongst all the hardware and software is not always as smooth as it ought to be. For example, different computer programs can conflict with each other and cause the us grief. Sometimes the conflict causes the computers to close down software programs or even completely shutdown the computer. Other times, some of our data is lost or corrupted. Although computers are very helpful in increasing productivity, they sometimes cause frustration, especially when we loose a lot of work because of software or hardware incompatibilities.

Third, because computer technology continues to make constant progress, we have to update your machine on periodic basis. Our computer equipment becomes outdated within 3-5 years. Thus we constantly need to spend money to upgrade both our hardware, the actual physical components of the computer, and the software, the programs that we use on the computer.

All that said, if the purpose of computers were to improve the quality of our lives, then success has been achieved. I am confident that computers will continue to become smaller, faster, and better, with less of the problems that currently plague us. In the future, computers will become even more ubiquitous than they are today. Children will think no more of using a computer than they do of opening a fridge.
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