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Hello, I'm in grade 12 and preparing for the university entrance examination. I decided to take the IELTS exam to gain admission to my dream university. This is my first time using this platform. I hope someone can comment on my essay so that I can figure out what is wrong with it. Thanks a lot in advance <3


Companies should try to make their workers satisfied at work. Do you agree or disagree?

Many people believe that businesses should pay attention to and fulfill their employees’ satisfaction. I personally think that there is little to disagree with in this idea.

It is undeniable that employee satisfaction plays a vital role in the company’s development. To begin with, high levels of job satisfaction can lead to higher productivity. If a company can satisfy its workers by offering a handsome salary or providing a healthy workplace, the employees tend to devote themselves more to the company. As a result, this feasibly increases the total productivity as well as the workers’ performances, which can ultimately bring the company a substantial profit. According to recent research, business units where employee satisfaction is over 80% have a 50% higher success rate on productivity outcomes, on average.

What is more, if employees are happy and have high job satisfaction, they are more likely to stay longer with a company. In other words, the company’s turnover rate can be reduced, enabling them to possess loyal workers, who can work conscientiously for the company's sake. Additionally, when a company is known for its job satisfaction, it can attract potential employees, especially elite ones, who may make a great contribution to the company’s growth. For instance, Adobe - a computer software company, where 94% of employees are satisfied with their jobs, has attracted thousands of decent workers every year. This helps the company to create a diverse working environment and thus results in increased profit.

In conclusion, my firm conviction is that companies should try to satisfy their workers owing to the significant benefits it may bring.

I wrote 2 versions though it still sucks:<

There is an opinion that university students are better off living on campus rather than at home. I personally believe that each type of accommodation, mentioned above, has its own benefits, so one is not necessarily better than another.

It is undeniable that living in a dorm does wonders for students. Living far away from parental care, students have a chance to develop independently and be responsible for their own life. For instance, they will possibly need to do things by themselves, ranging from trivial things like doing chores to important ones such as managing personal finance, taking care of themselves and making decisions. Most of these self-reliant activities equip students with vital skills for their later life. Furthermore, when sharing accommodation, students need to learn how to keep a harmonious living environment with others, thus possibly enhancing their social skills. For instance, my sister used to be a poor communicator, which hindered her dream of being an MC. However, after moving to a dorm and living with other people, there has been a considerable improvement in her communication skills, and she is now a successful MC.

On the other hand, living with parents provides students with significant assistance. With parental support for finance, health care and household chores, students will no longer need to spend time working for living expenses, caring for everyday meals, or cleaning their dorm. This possibly leaves students adequate time to focus on their studies and after-school activities. Regarding the former, students can gain better academic results or achieve valuable scholarships and golden opportunities. Furthermore, regularly engaging in extracurricular activities such as joining clubs, volunteering, or doing an internship can help students enrich their knowledge and acquire practical skills they might need in the future.

In conclusion, living with parents and staying on campus benefit children differently, so it is unreasonable to reach a conclusion with regard to which accommodation is more advantageous for university students.

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lnvdrbCompanies should try to make their workers satisfied at work. Do you agree or disagree?

Many people believe that businesses should pay attention to and fulfill their employees’ satisfaction. (Fulfill satisfaction is not a native collocation.. You can write "fulfill their employees' needs so they feel happy and satisfied at work." ) I personally think that there is little to disagree with in this idea.

It is undeniable that employee satisfaction plays a vital role in a the company’s development. To begin with, high levels of job satisfaction can lead to higher productivity. If a company can satisfy its workers by offering a handsome salary or and providing a healthy workplace, the employees tend to devote themselves more to the company. As a result, this feasibly increases the total productivity as well as the workers’ performances, (Performance is non -count.) which can ultimately bring the company a substantial profit. According to recent research, business units where employee satisfaction is over 80% have a 50% higher success rate on productivity measures, outcomes, on average.

What is more, if employees are happy and have high job satisfaction, they are more likely to stay longer with a company. In other words, the company’s turnover rate can be reduced, enabling them to retain possess loyal workers, who can work conscientiously for the company's sake. Additionally, when a company is known for its job satisfaction, it can attract potential employees, especially elite the most talented ones, who may make a great contribution to the company’s growth. For instance, Adobe - a computer software company, where 94% of employees are satisfied with their jobs, has attracted thousands of decent highly qualified workers every year. This helps the company to create a diverse working environment and thus results in increased profit.

In conclusion, my firm conviction is that companies should try to satisfy their workers owing to the significant benefits it may bring.

Comments  

thank you so much for your help