Hello everyone. This is my first post in this forum. Can anyone help me check my essay, please? Thanks in advance.
Question: (see the picture above)
My answer:
The line graph indicates four sectors in terms of the number of acid rain emissions that they produced over a period of 17 years in the United Kingdom.
Overall, it is clear that acid rain emissions declined from 1990 to 2007 in all areas, namely electricity, gas and water supply, transport and communication, domestic and other industries. Also, it is notable that through the period, the quantities of emissions underwent the most dramatic decrease.
In 1990, it was nearly up to 3.5 million tonnes in the number of acid rain emissions in the field of electricity, gas and water supply. Meanwhile, that in the domestic sphere stood at roughly 0,5 million tonnes while the number of emissions of transport and communication remained at about 0.75. Approximately 2 million tonnes belonged to other industries.
From 1990 to 2007, the figures for the electricity, gas and water supply sector experienced a significant fall to round 0.5 million tons, dropping about 3 million tons. A gradual decrease was seen in domestic and other industries during the whole period. In contrast, the number of acid rain emissions from transport and communication grew unstable and was highest at more or less 1 million tons in 2005.
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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay
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My essay:
(Your text here...)
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Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:
IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice
Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post
Thật NguyễnThe line graph indicates (1) four sectors (2) in terms of the (3) number of acid rain emissions that they produced over a period of 17 years (4)in the United Kingdom.
1. The verb "indicates" is not a good choice. Read my advice about the appropriate verbs.
2. "Sectors" is not specific. What sectors are on the graph? List the names of these four.
3. Numbers of emissions would be a count of the number of times that emissions occurred. For example: The factory emitted acid rain chemicals six times in the past week. I cannot see the graph, so I do not know if the units of measure is, for example, average number per week or total number per year.
4. The period of 17 years could be from 1893 to 1910 or 1940 to 1957 or any other 17 years in all of history. You must be specific.
Thật NguyễnThe line graph indicates (1) four sectors (2) in terms of the (3) number of acid rain emissions that they (4) produced over a period of 17 years (5)in the United Kingdom.
1. The verb "indicates" is not a good choice. Read my advice about the appropriate verbs.
2. "Sectors" is not specific. What sectors are on the graph? List the names of these four.
3. Numbers of emissions would be a count of the number of times that emissions occurred. For example: The factory emitted acid rain chemicals six times in the past week. I cannot see the graph, so I do not know if the units of measure is, for example, average number per week or total number per year.
4. There is no referent (noun) for this pronoun. You should use the passive voice.
4. The period of 17 years could be from 1893 to 1910 or 1940 to 1957 or any other 17 years in all of history. You must be specific.
The line graph compares the amounts of acid rain emissions that were produced by four sectors in the UK between 1991 and 2007. The four sectors are transportation, utilities, households and outer industries. Units are millions of tonnes (Mt).
Overall, it is clear that (Avoid dummy it clauses. They have no information. Do not write any opinion words in Task 1.) acid rain emissions declined from 1990 to 2007 in all areas, namely electricity, gas and water supply, transport and communication, domestic and other industries.
The following sentence has no more information than the first one. It is repetitious. Delete it
Also, it is notable that (Avoid dummy it clauses. They have no information. Do not write any opinion words in Task 1.) through the period, the quantities (wrong word) of emissions underwent the most dramatic decrease.
In 1990, it was nearly up to (That is not good English. What is the subject? ) 3.5 million tonnes in the number (wrong word) of acid rain emissions in the field (wrong word) of electricity, gas and water supply. Meanwhile, that in the domestic sphere (wrong phrase) stood at roughly 0,5 million tonnes while the number of emissions of transport and communication remained at about 0.75. Approximately 2 million tonnes belonged (wrong word) to other industries.
From 1990 to 2007, the figures (wrong word) for the electricity, gas and water supply sector experienced (wrong word - emissions do not have experiences. Only people have experiences. Read my advice.) a fell significantly fall to round (wrong word) 0.5 million tons, dropping about 3 million tons. A gradual decrease was seen in domestic and other industries during the whole period. (The previous sentence is repetitious from the overall paragraph.) In contrast, the number of acid rain emissions from transport and communication grew unstable (wrong word) and was highest at more or less 1 million tons in 2005.
Here is the picture including the instruction and map. Would you check it again?
Can you see my picture?
Sample essay:
A "secret trick" for Task 1: define short names and abbreviations you will use in the body paragraphs in the first paragraph.
Then your essay will not be so tediously repetitive. In this case, four words - "electricity, gas and water supply" - gets a one-word replacement: utilities, and the units get the common scientific abbreviation "Mt".
Also, there are combinations and proportions to give the "big picture." The utilities caused about half the emissions in 1990, but only 1/6 in 2007.
The writing style needs to be completely scientific and mathematical, suited for a university math lecturer.
There are no human action verbs "see", "witness" or "experience." Numbers, time periods, sectors, and other inanimate nouns cannot perform these actions. Some IELTS advisors use these words, but these anthropomorphic are used for newspaper accounts, fiction, and historical novels, not for science and math university lecturers.
There are no "opinion words" like "clear" and "obvious."
Outline:
Paragraph 1: Describe all aspects of the graph- time period, number and names of curves and units of measure.
Paragraph 2: Pick 2-3 "main features" - the things that "jump out" to you.
Paragraph 3: Pick some interesting details for comparisons. Combine categories where possible.
The graph compares the emissions of acid rain from four sectors in the UK between 1990 and 2007. The sectors are the utilities (electric, gas and water), transportation (including communications), domestic (households), and all other industries. Values are given in units of millions of tonnes (Mt).
Overall, total emissions declined substantially over the period due to reductions in all sectors except transportation, which was about the same level at the end as the beginning. Utilities was the worst emitter in 1990 but it had fallen to third place in 2007, after other industries and transportation. Households contributed the lowest amounts.
In detail, the total emissions in 1990 was nearly 7 Mt, and about half of that (3.4 Mt) was from the utilities sector. In contrast, it was just under 3 Mt in 2007, with other industries being the highest contributor at 1.2 Mt. The most significant decrease was in the utilities sector, which had cut its emissions by more than two thirds, from 3.4 to 1 Mt between 1990 and 1999 and halved again, to 0.5 Mt by 2007. The amounts from transportation ranged between 0.6 and 1.0 Mt, and households showed a fairly steady decline from 0.6 to 0.2 Mt.
I see your reply. First of all, please accept my deepest gratitude. I will definitely apply what you commented on in my next essay. I need time to review what you wrote. Wait and see!
Thank you for the response.
You need to apply yourself to studying vocabulary and natural collocations, especially for math/science contexts.
Task 1 and Task 2 are very very different.
In Task 1, you have to accurately report on a figure - it could be a graph, pie chart, bar chart, map, diagram, flow chart or a combination. You must not give any opinions, deductions or conclusions. Your report must be precise and accurate using math/science terms.
In Task 2, you have to persuade the reader to accept your opinion or explanation. A large range of vocabulary is very helpful for your score, but do not use antiquated or obsolete words. It has to be fluent, natural English. A conclusion is required.
Here are the five essay types for Task 2. Each one requires a different approach. For example, "on the one hand/on the other hand" are for "discuss both views" or "advantages/disadvantages" essays. Do not use these phrases for the other essay types.
Here is a general description of Task 2.