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Can someone please help me to amend this e-message and make it look more professional? The reason why I ask this favour is because I had to send my sister to the hospital and look after her last week. I’d really appreciate your help!

Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 110

Dear Mrs Simmons,

Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because you have not provided the necessary documents. You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please find someone who is willing to be your guarantor and get him/her to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.

Your loan will be approved within three working days once we received all the documents.

Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.

Kind regards

H M Lithman

Internet Banking Customer Support
Comments  
Hi,

This looks good the way you have written it. use more paragraphs to make your meaning easier to follow.

Best wishes, Clive

Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 110

Dear Mrs Simmons,

Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for a housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because you have not provided the necessary documents.

You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please find someone who is willing to be your guarantor and get him/her to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.

Your loan will be approved within three working days once you have returned all these documents.

Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.

Kind regards



H M Lithman

Internet Banking Customer Support
CliveHi,

This looks good the way you have written it. use more paragraphs to make your meaning easier to follow.

Best wishes, Clive

Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 110

Dear Mrs Simmons,

Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for a housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because you have not provided the necessary documents.

You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please find someone who is willing to be your guarantor and get him/her to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.

Your loan will be approved within three working days once you have returned all these documents.

Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.

Kind regards



H M Lithman

Internet Banking Customer Support

Hi there,

Thank you for your reply. There is something I forgot to tell. The letter should be changed to make it look passive and not directly hitting on the customer and put them at fault. An example is:

you have not provided the necessary documents to the necessary documents have not been provided / were not provided (not mentioning the customer as it might not be their fault).

I hope you could help me. I had a really stressful week Emotion: sad and need to submit this on Monday (today)
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Hi,

You seem to understand passive, so just go ahead and change it. Then, if you post it here again, I'll have a look (when I come back from my swimming practice in about 3 hours).

It's still Sunday morning here, so you have lots of time. Emotion: big smile

Clive
Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 110

Dear Mrs Simmons,

Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for a housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because the necessary documents have not been provided.

You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please get a guarantor to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.

Your loan will be approved within three working days once all these documents have been returned.

Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.

Kind regards



H M Lithman

Internet Banking Customer Support

Not much different except that I ommited some words and amended some of the sentences. I hope you will help me to make it look better Emotion: smile
Hi,

I've made a few more small changes. This seems fine to me.

Best wishes, Clive

Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 110

Dear Mrs Simmons,

Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for a housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because the necessary documents have not been provided.

You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. Your application form is attached. Please get a guarantor to sign in the guarantor consent column. Your loan will be approved within three working days once all these documents have been returned.

Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.

Kind regards



H M Lithman

Internet Banking Customer Support
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Clive,

Thanks very much.

Mikey