# Help Me With This Essay! Please

•  6
Hi everyone! this is my IELTS task 1 essay, pls check this for me! thank you.

The graphs demonstrate the study motivation of student and the supporting quantity for them by age.

In the first graph, it is clear that there is a gradual decrease in study for career reasons with age. In contrast, the percentage of students who study because of their interest increases gradually. Particularly, 80 percent of under 26 people go to school for their career whereas this quantity is only 19 percent with the over 49 people. However, the students who learn for interest occupy 10 percent by under 26 age group but 70 percent by over 49 age group. There is the same percentage of people who learn for work and for interest in the 40-49 age group.

In the second graph, the under 26 age get the highest support from employers, approximately 60 percent. The employer support drop rapidly to over 32 percent up to the third decades of life. Then it is rise to about 44 percent when people get over 49 years old.

((165 words))
Dear Thanhnam46,

I think you can write a better description of the graphs. I will give you a couple of examples, and then I think you should try again.

The exercise asks for a minimum of 150 words. You really should write more than just 165. Try to enrich your vocabulary. Use your thesaurus to find new words instead of repeating the same ones over and over.

You say: The graphs demonstrate the study motivation of student and the supporting quantity for them by age. No – this is not at all what the two graphs show (it’s written at the top of the page – think about what’s written and then paraphrase what you see).

The first graph indicates that studying for reasons of career advancement decrease with age and that studying for pleasure or personal interest increases with age. It’s interesting to note that 80% of students under the age of 26 study for career reasons while only 19% aged over 49 do the same.

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In the second graph, we wee that students under the age of 26 receive the greatest amount of support from employers. Approximately 60 % of this age group receives assistance in the form of time off of work or participation in the payment of fees.

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Try again and I'll be happy to look at your work.

John
OK! I have had such a busy week. I 've just finished my new essay. Please! check it for me. Thank you John!

The first graph indicates that studying because of career requirement decrease with age while studying for personal interest increase with age. It is clear that 80% people under the age of 26 study for their career whereas only 19% aged over 49 do the same. In contrast, the rate of student who study for their interest is 10% with the group of aged under 26 and is 70% with the over 49 group. It is interesting to note that the percentage of student study for interest and for work is the same at 41% with the age between 40 and 49.

The second graph demonstrates the support quantity of employers for the employee by age group. We see that the student under the age of 26 receive the greatest amount of support from employers. Approximately 60% of this age group receives assistance in the form of time off of work or participation in the payment of fees. The quantity of support drop rapidly to 32% up to the third decade of life, and then increases in late adulthood up to about 44%.

((182 words))
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Dear Thanhnam46,

The words in red are minor corrections I have made for you. The words and sentences in purple contain serious errors and must be rewritten. I can make only a certain number of corrections for you - you must do the rest. Otherwise, you could be accused of plagiarism and you will not improve your English. Try again.

Good luck,

John

The first graph indicates that studying because of career requirements decreases with age while studying for personal interest increases with age. It is clear that 80% of people under the age of 26 study for their career whereas only 19% aged over 49 do the same. However, the rate (what does rate mean here??) of students who study for their own interest is 10% with the group of aged under 26 and is 70% with the over 49 group. It is interesting to note that the percentage of students studying for interest and for work is the same (41%) between age 40 and 49.

The second graph demonstrates the support quantity of employers for the employee by age group. We see that students under the age of 26 receive the greatest amount of support from employers. Approximately 60% of this age group receives assistance in the form of time off of work or participation in the payment of fees. The quantity of support drop rapidly to 32% up to the third decade of life, and then increases in late adulthood up to about 44%.
This is my new essay. Hope that it works this time. Thanks in advance! John.

The first graph indicates that studying because of career requirement decreases with age while studying for personal interest increases with age. It is clear that 80% of people under the age of 26 studies for their career whereas only 19% aged over 49 do the same. However, the percentage of students who study for their own interest is 10% with the group which is fewer than 26 years old and is 70% for the people aged over 49. It is interesting to note that the percentage of students study for interest and for work is the same (41%) between age 40 and 49. The second graph reveals the employers’ support quantity for the employee by age group. We see that the students under the age of 26 receive the greatest amount of support from employers. Approximately 60% of this age group receives assistance in the form of time off of work or participation in the payment of fees. There is a gradual decline in support quantity when people reach 30 years old, dip at 32%. Then it rise again when people get older and reach 44% for the group of people over 49.

((193 words))
Good job Thanhnam46 - I can see that you are really trying, and learning!

Here are some final suggestions.

John

The first graph indicates that studying because of career requirement decreases with age while studying for personal interest increases with age. It is clear that 80% of students under the age of 26 study for their careers whereas only 19% aged over 49 do the same. However, the percentage of students who study for their own interest is 10% in the 26 year-old group and 70% for those aged over 49. It is interesting to note that the percentage of students studying for interest and for work is the same (41%) between age 40 and 49. The second graph reveals the amount of support employers give to employees by age group. We see that the students under the age of 26 receive the greatest amount of support from employers. Approximately 60% of this age group receives assistance in the form of time off of work or participation in the payment of fees. There is a gradual decline in the amount of support (a dip to 32%) when people reach 30 years old. Then it rises again to 44% for the group aged over 49.
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OK! thank you again. I will try harder!!!