1 2 3
Hello Benny

Here are my first thoughts on your letter. I've starting with some general comments, before we look at the text in detail.


Having completed my English-taught BA] Having recently completed a BA

in International Business] Is that the correct name of your degree? or is it e.g. 'International Business Studies'?

in Vaasa] at Vaasa

I am eager to apply for a MA in Marketing] I am now very keen to study for an MA in Marketing at



The most precious personal values of mine I would consider are: the desire of challenging and diligence. After graduating from one of the top high schools in China, I attempted to pursue a BA in international business in Vaasa Polytechnic University from Finland. Confronting the critical selection that only two candidates admitted out of all, I decided to invite one of my schoolmates to apply together who was better at study than me. Admittedly, this act threatened me with a risk on possibility of admission while on the contrary, in my point of view, it stimulated and inspired me to compete for the first significant achievement in my life. After those tough several weeks, I successfully won the first place coming to Finland.


Before we look at this paragraph in detail, are you sure you want to say so much about you and your schoolmate?

For instance, if I were writing the letter, I would use this section to say:
a) Why I chose Vaasa
b) What aspects of the course interested me in particular
c) What I hoped to gain from the experience

(If you want to write a sentence or two on each of these, please do, and we'll work it into the letter.)


The first time that marketing enlightened my interest was during the course International Marketing Management. The professor highly appreciated my adequate accomplishment in advance of the project work in class. I stayed always ahead of the scheduled progress because I had applied my best effort to thoroughly fulfil all the existing and possible future requirements from the professor. Therefore, within a couple of weeks, an initial version of my work had been presented while other people were still busy with how to start. Meanwhile, the presentation of my simplifying modification to a theoretical model was surprisingly awarded an immensely positive feedback for my creativity. The experience not only brought me the extensive knowledge and my favour on it, but also led me realising some key distinction that my future customers, as my professor does in class, may expect from me in business: think in advance, be active and be creative.


In this section, I would pick up on B from the previous section, and explain how your interest in Marketing was aroused.

I would also say more about your 'theoretical model': maybe a sentence or two with some details.



During the overseas studies, I found myself talented for language learning. I attended three courses of progressive levels in Spanish, for which the grades were five, four and four respectively based on our five grading system. As well, another four came from the Finnish language test comprising of both paper and speaking exams. I enjoy learning languages and talking with foreigners to share the colourful cultures. Learning different cultural backgrounds contributes to my better understanding and communication in those languages. Thus it assists me to effectively communicate in marketing activities in my future career.


You have an interesting assortment of languages. I would link your talent for languages directly to your interest in Marketing. For instance, why did you learn Spanish? Was it because you thought Spanish would be an invaluable language for someone who wanted to study global marketing techniques?


In 2004, I worked for internship in a Chinese governmental institution as a consultant for overseas students planning and also, in a joint venture medical equipment company as a marketing coordinator. I realised the worthiness of my cultural experiences in marketing communications in practice and became fascinated on it.


If I understand correctly, here you're saying that Marketing is of use not only in the private sector, but also in public sector organisations: and that you realised this while you were an intern. If that's the case, you may wish to make the link between your marketing studies and your internship a little more overt.


With the strengths and multinational cultural background associated with my Chinese origin, I definitely have the confidence about this suitable programme’s reinforcement to my career under my dedicated effort.


Here I think you have to repeat the structure of section 1:

a) Why you chose
b) What aspects of the course interest you in particular
c) What you hope to gain from the experience



Please feel free to insert any passages on the basis of my comments. But if you'd prefer to keep your letter as it is, and simply fix the grammar etc., that's no problem. We can do it either way!

I'll be back online tomorrow – we can start looking at the text in detail then.

MrP
dear Mr.Petandic
i am so delighted to see your thorough comments. it is exactly what i have been expecting. i have tried a long time to modify my letter by reviewing excellent examples and following the professional advices. please feel free to give any critical or negative comments if there are

Here it goes the improved paragraph exactly according to the criteria given:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having recently completed my BA in Business Administration at Vaasa Polytechnic in Finland, I am now very keen to study for an MA in Marketing at your school.

[My interests suitable for MA]
I found marketing well suited with my personality for my consistent interests in market phenomena analysing. Effective and unique commercials and campaigns have always attracted my sights for not only the benefits they bought me, but also the key to where and how its competitive and impressive impact came from. Perhaps it is from tactical cultural communication, creativity in idea generation or thoughtful designs for customers. I have always tried to figure out whether I would appreciate it as a customer, how it would appear in the long run, and is there any better idea if I were in responsibility within one of those situations.

[My educational background]
After graduating from my high schools in China, I attempted to pursue a BA overseas for a real international experience of education. Vaasa Polytechnic tended to be one of my best choices for its Finnish-Swedish cultural style, various linguistic and professional optional courses. It featured well in association with the stability of Finns and the exploration of Swedish in dealing and promoting the business. I expected to benefit from the culture of those local industrial giant, for example Nokia, Volvo and Ericsson, and enhance my personal capacity by getting involved in learning and practicing within their social surroundings.

The first moment that my special interest in marketing studies was aroused appeared in the course International Marketing Management and then I became fascinated on it. Theoretically I learned how to adapt to the host country market for an MNC by applying integrated entry modes and strategy based on the natural, political and cultural environment. Through analysing some Chinese companies empirically, I found out how the MNCs and Chinese market benefit bilaterally from investments in the most popular forms joint venture and FDI. Moreover, during exploring the theory I simplified a generic model regarding entry strategy to Chinese market with research in depth and applied my modification with MS Exel so that my presentation of it became efficiently understood by the professor and other audiences. It was highly appreciated by the professor for the creativity.

“The following part may be too long. I tried to squeeze but perhaps more efforts may still be required.”
[Multi-linguistic experiences]
During the overseas studies, I found myself talented for language learning. I obtained seven credits from Spanish language courses and two from Finnish. The grades are all five or four based on five grading system. Language is inevitably the key component of the communication in successful international marketing. Spanish, right after English, covers second largest world’s area in usage that is popular in the whole continent of American besides out of Spain. Combined with English and my mother tongue, they formed an optimistic foundation supporting my studies and practices in global marketing techniques.

I enjoy talking with foreigners to share the colourful cultures. Learning different cultural backgrounds contributes to my better understanding and communication in those languages. Additionally, cultural values imply different effective marketing strategies. I have ever flied to Hong Kong, being surprised by extra-small apartments for most people working in that prosperous trade centre; had an overview of the world famous money maker-Melaka Channel in Singapore and Malaysia knowing that Singaporeans buy fresh water from Malaysians at four cents per cubic litre and sell it back at fifty after usage and filtered; and stroke by the low rate of English speaking people in Italy. Not only enjoyed the splendid cultures and their properties, I also tried to discover the consequences they would bring to local people in their attitudes towards behaving and judging. It assists me to effective react in an international business environment.

[conclusion]
With personality and experience stated, I found MA in Marketing attractive for me in the aspects of daily life applications, multi-cultural involvement. I definitely have the confidence that this MA will guide my further study in the field and reinforce to build a global perspective for my future career.

thanks for your time to consider my request. i am looking forward to your positive response.

yours faithfully
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Hello Benny

I think you've got some good material there. It will take me a little time to look over this, and make suggestions – how long have you got, before you have to send the letter?

MrP
please take your time and comment as much as possible. i am not sending this letter until next week. thank you very much for looking over
Hello Benny

I’ve extracted passages from your post, and put them together in what I hope will be the right kind of letter for the institution you’re applying to.

We probably need a final paragraph that states why exactly you’re applying to the institution in question – if you add a final paragraph, we’ll work it in.

Don’t hesitate to say if anything is incorrect!



Having recently completed my BA in Business Administration at Vaasa Polytechnic in Finland, I am now very keen to study for an MA in Marketing at .

After graduating from high school in China, I decided to study for a BA overseas, so that I could experience the greatest possible breadth of education. Vaasa Polytechnic was my preferred choice for several reasons. First, it offered exactly the linguistic and professional courses I wanted, such as <***> and <***>. Second, it was well placed for a student of business administration: I expected to benefit from examining the culture of local industrial giants such as Nokia, Ericsson and Volvo. Third, I was interested in the Finnish-Swedish cultural style, which contrasted strongly with my Chinese background.

While at Vaasa, my special interest in marketing studies was aroused by a course in International Marketing Management. As part of this course, I learned how a multinational corporation can adapt to the host country market by applying integrated entry modes and a strategy based on the natural, political and cultural environment. By analysing data from a number of Chinese companies, I learnt how MNCs and the Chinese market can benefit bilaterally from joint ventures and foreign direct investment. Lastly, while exploring the theory, I simplified a generic model of entry strategy for the Chinese market and, after some additional in-depth research, created a new model in MS Excel, so that my findings could be easily understood. This model was highly commended by my tutors.

It was also at Vaasa that I found I had an aptitude for learning languages. As well as learning Finnish, I studied Spanish: language is inevitably the key component of communication in successful international marketing, and Spanish is the world’s second language, in terms of business opportunities. Combined with English and Chinese, these languages have given me a firm foundation for the study and practice of global marketing techniques.

In addition to the linguistic benefits, experiencing different cultural backgrounds has contributed to my better understanding of how to promote business in those cultures, since different cultural values require different marketing strategies. During my travels in Hong Kong, Singapore and southern Europe, I have not only enjoyed the local cultures and their heritage, but also tried to discover how these can affect the ways in which people react and behave. This I hope will help me to respond effectively in an international business environment.


This is your background. Now I think you have to add, briefly:

a) Why you chose the institution you’re applying to
b) What aspects of the course interest you in particular
c) What you hope to gain from the experience

Probably all we need is a paragraph!

MrP
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
dear Mr.Pedantic
thank you very much for the correction and suggested paragraphs. i benefit a lot from them.

three questions i would like to raise
1.for the starting of my background, shall i state the relation between my special interests in daily reflections and marketing knowledge learning to attract the audience?or it will be much too burdensome?
here is the paragraph i wrote in the last post. of course there may be some corretion needed

[My interests suitable for MA]
I found marketing well suited with my personality for my consistent interests in market phenomena analysing. Effective and unique commercials and campaigns have always attracted my sights for not only the benefits they bought me, but also the key to where its competitive and impressive impact came from, for example tactical cultural communication, creativity in idea generation or thoughtful designs for customers? I have always tried to figure out whether I would appreciate it as a customer, how it would appear in the long run, and is there any better idea if I were in responsibility within one of those situations.

2. for the concluding paragraph, i have it briefly written. or shall i extend it a little bit more in details of the course and my further vision?
hereafter goes the conclusion

[conclusion]
With personality and experience stated, I found MA in Marketing well suitable and attractive to me for the characteristics of its daily life applications and multi-cultural involvement. I definitely have the confidence that this MA with prestigious qualifying education at your institution will guide my further study in the marketing field thus reinforce to build a promising perspective of expertise in cultural based communication, global market strategy analysing and handling for my future career .

3. on observing corrections to other sample letters made by Mr.MH, i noticed he suggested us not mention the name of the school in the first paragraph of the letter for our objective because the audience surely knows where he is, he implied. so, for the better, shall i mention the specific name of the school in the first paragraph for any reason or keep it brief?
Hello Benny,

In answer to your questions:

1. I think you probably have enough about your special interests etc – the person who reads the letter will be able to infer them from the description of your previous work.

(Would any part of your Excel model look good as a screen shot or print-out, by the way? For instance, does it have any impressively complex dialog or input boxes? Did you have to write any special VBA procedures for it?)

2. I think the concluding paragraph has to be a little more specific. If I were the person reading all the motivation letters, I would be looking for someone who had thoroughly grasped a particular aspect of what my institution could offer, and could explain why he had chosen my institution above all others. For instance, is the institution well known for a particular kind of expertise?

3. In England, if you know your own name and the name of the institution you're applying to, you're probably already doing better than 50% of the applicants. But MountainHiker has more experience of writing these letters than me, so I would follow his advice and keep it brief.

It might be a good idea to use the paragraph about your internship as well. It gives a sense of balance: 'this person knows the public sector too'. What do you think?

MrP
for conclusion, i added something so it appears as following

With evidence stated, I found the MA in Marketing at your school perfectly matched my expectation. The outstanding record of your graduates working well-paid in world famous companies proved the distinguished edge and simultaneously, provided them more opportunities for better employment. I definitely have the confidence that, with your UK top ranking expertise in marking and close relationship with those famed companies, I will be reinforced in my further study to build a promising perspective of expertise in cultural based communication, global market strategy analysing and handling for my future career.

as to the internship paragraph you suggested, i structured the ideas. please check whether it makes proper sense and works well.

To further prepare myself better in practice, I worked for practical training in a joint venture medical equipment company as a marketing coordinator and also, in a Chinese governmental institution as a consultant for students going overseas. During my work, I found the invaluable benefit of marketing for not only private sectors to seek for value added profits in business, but also public sectors in terms of creating better interaction with residents to build bilateral understanding and confidence in common services, hence improve economic growth and social well-being.

finally, for the question regarding the name of specific school, i suppose i would agree with what you said. we have to know exactly where we are going then we are able to achieve the goals along the way. am i right?
thanks for your advice
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Hello Benny

Here are suggestions for the final paragraph and the internship section. I feel we need something specific in the final paragraph, so have left a gap for you to insert an aspect of the course that particularly interests you. If these paragraphs look ok to you, we'll put the whole letter together in the next post.


Final paragraph:

I am applying for the MA in Marketing course at for three reasons. The first is that the course exactly matches my particular area of interest in marketing: namely, <***>. The second is the high reputation of for producing outstanding graduates and keeping pace with changes in the world of marketing. The third is your close relationship with well known global companies, which ensures that theoretical expertise is supported by real experience of culture-based
communication and global market strategy analysis. The combination of these factors makes your MA in Marketing course the natural choice for me at this point in my career.

Internship:

As further preparation for a career in marketing, I have worked as a marketing co-ordinator in a joint venture medical equipment company, and also in a Chinese government institution as a consultant for students going overseas. This public sector work has balanced my understanding of the private sector's need for profits with an appreciation of the value of interacting with local residents to create confidence in public services, which in turn promotes economic growth and greater social harmony.


Regarding inserting the name of the school in the introductory paragraph, I think it will be fine either way. So please feel free to choose whichever alternative you wish!

MrP
Show more