Untitled

Bare to soar mine lips to kisses
Touch me not to a fully tease
Moan a soul thou as wild as a beast
Thrust thine eye as deep as it is
For I have succumbed to thine very tips
Guide me not to a blury mist
Knowing thou have been burried inside mine hips

Peculiar moves dancing for its grace
Grasp the air and bless...
Thou made me amaze!
Linger to mine back when our eyes meet at a gaze
Knowing not a time we both have waste
Only the sweetness dew thou love to taste
Let our love lure reasoning the base

I let thee, thyself lead meneither to heaven nor hell
Blend our lust we know we'd love it well
Forbidden sin...
We both ignore the ding dong bell
Sweat and deep breath of a perfect combination thou would tell
Sigh I hear from thine lip when ram coz it's smell
Darlin, hold me tight and let mine lips sip every drop of this thick sweet caramel

June 14, 2006

Rule 1: Don't publish in colours. It is a poem, not a painting, and you just distract from the words.

This is a very interesting poem, and I think you have promise as a serious poet if you work hard at it. I would like to see you join us here in the 21st century by modernizing all the thous and thines-- those went out with Ben Jonson... and you have used some of them wrong anyway. It is a stilted, archaic style which works against the effect of a poem in the same way that the colours do: they distract and preoccupy the reader, who should be paying attention to what you are saying.

There are many turns of phrase that I find very compelling, some very strong visual images:

to a fully tease
Thrust your eye as deep as

buried inside my hips (one r in buried)
Let our love lure reasoning

Others are cliche and should be rephrased:

made me amaze
not a time we both have waste
we know we'd love it well


And a couple are really bad and must be dumped:

coz it's smell
the ding dong bell


Overall, however, it is a very solid piece of work, and well worth putting more time into fixing. Thank you for posting and good luck.
Thanks a lot for the critics and comment, I know I need to learn more about old English...too bad that the lesson is no longer exist in my university...maybe you could teach me then Emotion: smile

E!
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Mister MicawberRule 1: Don't publish in colours. It is a poem, not a painting, and you just distract from the words.

What colours?